I am a 30sF throwing an adults only birthday party this year. I love children and have hosted birthday parties for myself in the past where I allowed kids. The problem is that my nieces and nephews (mostly under 10 years old) understandably demand a lot of attention from their parents (my sisters also in their 30s) and from me as they love spending time with me when I’m in town.
For this year, I just want an adults only gathering I can enjoy celebrating my birthday with friends and family without the need for anyone to be distracted by children. It is being held 3 hours away in my current city and my family is having to come into town for that weekend to attend the celebration. I’ve arranged and paid for their accommodations to make it convenient for them.
I gave both of my sisters with children 3 months notice that I intended to have an adults only birthday celebration. One sister is completely fine with it and has already arranged care so she can attend my party with her husband. My other sister typically relies on our mom for childcare but our mom will obviously be attending my birthday party and cannot care for the children. Even though this sister constantly spends time with her in-laws, she only trusts our mom to take care of her children. She has basically said that if my mom can’t take care of her kids, she cannot go to my party.
I expected this response and while I’m extremely disappointed she can’t make it, I want my mom there and it boggles my mind that my sister doesn’t trust ANYONE else with her kids. I have many issues with this sister, including her noncommittal nature for everything, leaving our family plans to spend time with her in-laws, and generally just not valuing spending quality time together. It seemed like she was really excited to attend my birthday party with her husband but as soon as she realized she couldn’t leave the kids with our mom, she gave up on the idea of going. And she absolutely will not go without her husband; she has already shot down the idea of just her going and having her husband take care of the kids.
I am a child free person but I do respect children, I don’t hate them! I also know that because I’m not a parent, maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh about how particular my sister is on who she leaves her children with. While I am sad she won’t attend, I am not making her go to my birthday but it sounds like she is hinting that she wishes I would allow kids at my party. I don’t want to suddenly allow children so that she can go.
I guess I want to know if I’m the asshole because maybe I’m being too strict or not being empathetic enough? Is there some thing I’m not thinking about here?
EDIT: I want to be clear about my issue. If my sister just doesn’t want to go or can’t find care and left it at that, it hurts but I understand. My problem is that she’s wanting my mom to stay behind and take care of her kids or change the rules and allow kids to go so she can go and I feel like an asshole for wanting to be firm. At the end of the day, I know it’s ok for her to say no and not attend. I hope that clears this up.
NTA
No one making your sister do anything. She made the choices here. If she cannot trust even husband to care for their kids then it’s really her problem. You don’t have to change your party for her.
NTA it is fine to have an adults’ only party. It is fine for her to decline though.
NTA!!!
Your party, your guest list. Sure, it is too bad your sister won’t be attending, but that is HER choice. Please don’t make an exception to allow your sister’s kids – that isn’t fair to everyone who has made childcare arrangements.
Don’t give it another thought and enjoy your party. (Also, HBD from this internet stranger!)
NTA – she had 3 months . If she can’t pry herself away from her (I’m assuming toddlers ) for a day , she should stay at home . She doesn’t get to be upset with you though .
NAH
A adults only party is fine and your choice … She has her options go alone or not.
NAH. Throw whatever you party you like, invite who you like. But no way would I be driving 3 hours and getting child care to attend an adult birthday party. If my sibling is turning 36 I’m phoning them to wish happy birthday and wouldn’t expect anything more than that from them on my 42nd birthday.
Yes, unless this is a major birthday, I don’t understand all this pressure. Driving 3 hours to go to an adult’s birthday that doesn’t end in a 0 seems a LOT.
OP is paying for rooms etc though, which is great. Makes it more like a mini break. I think the people that think this is great should come, and those for whom it is a PITA can stay at home.
NAH
NTA. Your party, your guests list. You informed everyone it was child free and gave plenty of time to find childcare. Its not your fault she can’t bring herself to leave her children with a trusted adult for a night. That’s all on her.
Your sister has options, she has just decided that she won’t use them. That’s not on you.
>it boggles my mind that my sister doesn’t trust ANYONE else with her kids
NTA for the story, but a huge YTA for this comment.
Respectfully, you have absolutely no idea you are talking about, and if you want to maintain even a sliver of credibility around other parents, I highly recommend against saying or even thinking stuff like this.
I was going to comment about that statement as well. You’re right — OP has no idea.
NAH you can invite whomever you want to your party. She can decide with whom she feels comfortable leaving her kids. You are asking her to leave her kids overnight, while she is hours away, for a birthday party. Thats kind of a big ask.
Finding overnight sitters is tough. Maybe there is a reason she doesn’t feel comfortable having the in laws babysit overnight. Maybe the in laws don’t want to do that. Maybe she knows it would be too upsetting for her kids. Maybe she doesn’t want to waste an overnight sitter to go to a birthday party for a sibling.
You have whatever party you want. Don’t be mad when someone declines the invitation.
Totally sucks but you have your preferences and she has hers. Neither of you are wrong. Yes, it would be great if she was cool with another sitter, but she’s not. For her it would be great if you always wanted her kids around, but you don’t. You both have different priorities and both just have to accept it.