Context: I (F17) have been best friends with who we will call Amy (F15) since we were toddlers. We’re very close, go to the same school, I drive her to and from school every morning, we go dress shopping together for dances, etc. etc.
About an hour ago from when I’m writing this, I got a snapchat notification from Amy, and it was a voice note. Now, the entire conversation was ON snapchat, so I can’t screenshot without snapchat telling her in order to post them here, but I’ll write out the conversation as it went out.
Amy: (voice message) "Nobody tells you how hard it is to make 3D art without an actual piping bag, cause that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done"
Me: piping bag?
Me: so like
Me: on a cake?
Amy: no
Amy: on canvas
Me: oh what?
Amy: 3d painting??
Amy: literally the thing we’re doing in art by monday
(Amy and I have the same art class, I’ve been out of school for three days because of having the flu)
Me: i haven’t been to school
Amy: she posted it i think
Amy: yea she did
Amy: 3d elements
Amy: it’s the theme 1
Me: Artcycling? (name of the assignment referenced)
Amy: no
Me: that’s the name of theme 1
Amy: oh yea that one
Me: I see
Me: What project r u doing?
(Each "theme" in our art class goes like this; teacher gives a broad theme ex: anatomy, each student plans out a specific project that’s unique to FIT that theme)
Me: it’s not due till February 27th (replied to msg where Amy said ‘the thing we’re doing in art by monday)
Amy: no project rn
Me: then why r u doing 3d stuff if u don’t have a project? lol
Me: and what’s due monday?
Amy: i was working on my sketchbook cover
Me: Ohhh
Me: That makes more sense
Amy: (voice message) "No you f\*cking idiot, I was doing 3d art just to do it"
Me: well you didn’t say that, how was I supposed to know?
Me: you’re kinda bad at explaining things bro
Me: I actually get really p\*ssed off when you call me a dumbass or an idiot for YOU not explaining stuff properly
Amy: you call me a dumbass all the time
Me: I do, but when you call me stupid it actually gets on my nerves especially when I’m trying to actually understand things that you’re explaining but you’re BAD AT EXPLAINING IT
Amy: sorry i assume you can put two and two together
Me: I can’t read your mind. How am I supposed to know you were talking about doing the 3d stuff for fun when you didn’t SAY THAT and then went on to mention the art theme, something about something being "by monday", then called me dumb, then only AFTER that said you were doing it for fun. I literally cannot read your mind.
I messaged her that, and have been on opened since. I feel like my points are valid in the fact that she did do a very poor job at explaining things, but I’m not sure if I overreacted or am being an AH in the way I messaged her. AITA?
Hmm. Maybe esh? I think if you call her a dumbass and she calls you an idio*, then that balances out. You both refer to each other in a derogatory way, so neither of you can complain about it. Unless you both agree to stop doing it.
INFO: why do *you* get to call *her* a dumbass but not the other way around?
I know that sounds kind of bad, I know when she said “you call me a dumbass all the time” she meant whenever I call her dumb in a joking way, like for example a few weeks ago, she dropped something in the back of my car, and I said “Haha dumbass”, in a joking way and we BOTH laughed it off. The way she spoke in the voice message was with no joking tone, just plain rude, which is why I got upset over it. I never get mad whenever it’s over something small and it’s clearly a joke, but she wasn’t joking here at all and was very rudely just calling me an idio\* for not understanding what she was getting at.
Are you sure it doesn’t bother her when you do it? People will laugh things off in the moment to smooth social situations but actually be hurt.
Info why is it ok when you say it?
This whole thing is so petty lol
(Copied from previous reply to different comment)
I know that sounds kind of bad, I know when she said “you call me a dumbass all the time” she meant whenever I call her dumb in a joking way, like for example a few weeks ago, she dropped something in the back of my car, and I said “Haha dumbass”, in a joking way and we BOTH laughed it off. The way she spoke in the voice message was with no joking tone, just plain rude, which is why I got upset over it. I never get mad whenever it’s over something small and it’s clearly a joke, but she wasn’t joking here at all and was very rudely just calling me an idio\* for not understanding what she was getting at.
So…you call her dumba**, and that’s okay?
But when she calls you an idiot, that’s not okay?
You’re right, she wasn’t explaining well. But, just like when you call her a dumb***, she probably thought she was explaining better than she actually was.
Maybe the actual problem is that you both use name calling and it’s hurtful. And you both need to stop?
Agreed on ESH but I think this is a very easy problem to solve with some time and conversation. I’d talk to her in person after you guys give each other a little space and tell her you cherish your relationship and realized you don’t like this thing (being called dumb) but you realize you have the same bad habit. Propose you guys both work on it together and hold each other accountable so you can continue being great friends without something silly like this getting in the way. Thankfully you guys are so young, if you can get good at this type of communication now, you’re setting yourself up for an easier time than most young adults.
She explained it poorly and then it became really difficult to discuss over chat. She overreacted to your difficulty understanding. You expressed how you didn’t like to be told you were stupid for not understanding her confusing thing. NTA.