hey guys, this is a long one so buckle in and grab a snack !!
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to give some background this BEGAN freshman year of high school. we are all freshman in college now for context!
freshman year, i was part of a very close friend group led by a self-proclaimed group leader (i’ll call him joey). we were extremely close and shared things we wouldn’t even tell our parents. over time, joey became mean-spirited and very manipulative. he would pit people against each other over small issues, often just because he was in a bad mood. senior year, after he didn’t get into the college he wanted, he literally told me to “d i e.” no one defended me because they were afraid of him and what would happen if they said something. i’ll admit the dynamic between us all was strange because he’d be cruel one day and then nice and funny the next, and things would go back to “normal.”
joey was closest to one person in the group (let’s call her gwen). their relationship was frankly very unhealthy. gwen had a crush on joey early on (he ended up being gay). gwen was hurt and jealous, which joey interpreted as homophobia. after that, their friendship became extremely worrisome to everyone around them.
gwen’s twin sister,(let’s call her jules), and i tried to support her. gwen was getting physically sick now over joey, but it was obvious he didn’t care about her well-being. by senior year, jules and i noticed joey treating us and gwen worse, so we began distancing ourselves which was admittedly hard because we were all so close and basically hung out everyday.
joey continued facetiming gwen and being cruel to her, but she never stood up to him. he also told her that he knew jules and i hated him. one night, gwen broke down sobbing and admitted she knew joey was a bad person but felt unable to stop being friends with him even after he told jules that he wouldn’t care if something terrible happened to her. we tried to help gwen distance herself, and she seemed genuinely hopeful she could finally break free from joey and his deplorable words and actions.
for a few weeks joey ignored gwen, and she spent more time with jules and me. i honestly thought things were improving but that was until we all left for college. gwen and joey ended up at the same school, and she became isolated again, relying on him because he was the only one around despite everything he’d done.
later, our friends asked when they could see gwen, since she hadn’t been home in two months and they missed her. she admitted she made plans already to spend time with joey instead. while on the phone with him, she told joey she was annoyed with us for making a big deal about her seeing him, even though she had previously admitted he was bad for her health. she also told him we’d called him a bad person and said he wasn’t good for her, which led joey to confront us in a group chat.
there’s so much more, but that’s the summary. so, am i the asshole for not wanting gwen to be friends with joey?
Hmmm, not sure id have to think about it
NTA, but this is an abusive relationship between them.
NTA and in fact I would say if you didn’t speak up, you’d be the AH. Gwen is seemingly trapped in an abusive relationship, probably complete with all the things that go with that. Gaslighting, fear tactics, etc. Are there any parents involved in this? Sounds like you’re all technically adults, but if this had gone on since HS, has no one involved parents or trusted counselors? Not victim shaming but sometimes situations like this might be better shared with someone who can help carry the burden. Especially because relationships like very likely end in physical abuse (although mental abuse is just as bad).
hi, this is “Gwen’s” sister and yes, our parents have been involved and been made known about this situation, though after countless talks and discussions about seeking help, giving advice and or even trying to set her straight with reality, she refuses to listen and sees the talks as an attack. They are completely against their friendship though Gwen blocks it out and continues to keep the relationship.
NTA
You can only do so much. She knows where you stand. This is absolutely an abusive relationship and she absolutely should get away from this person, however, you have already done everything you can do. She knows that you don’t like the man, but shy of doing something illegal, you can’t force her to stop spending time with him. Hopefully in the future, she will figure this out and get away from him. But you can only do so much.
NTA. Honestly OP, as much as it may pain you short term, I would just avoid the whole situation altogether. Enjoy your college, new friends, and new opportunities to grow yourself. Always leave the door open for Gwen if she needs a friend but move on from it. This Joey character is a toxic and negative fella and you don’t need that as you grow into a wonderful stage of your life.