My brother is 10 years younger than me. I’m in my late 70’s; he’s late 60’s. He has chosen to quit his treatment and enter hospice at home. We have always had a great relationship but have never lived close as adults. He currently lives 2000 miles from me..
I explained to him as best I could that I don’t want to see him dying. I want to remember him as I choose to remember him. He said he chooses to see only his kids and grandkids and totally understands. But part of me thinks he may be saying that to make me feel better.
I keep vacillating between what I want to do and what I think may be expected of me. Thoughts?
YTA, go see him, it’ll be too late for regrets after.
NAH This is above Reddit’s pay grade. The fact that you’re asking this means you might regret not seeing your brother one more time. If both of you are truly okay not seeing each other again, that’s okay. If you think your brother is covering to spare your feelings- well, that’s something else. I suspect you would regret not going more than you would regret going.
I watched my baby girl die in my arms and I stood by the bottom of the bed as my Mum took her final breaths.
I’m not gonna lie and say these things aren’t traumatic but I can’t imagine not being there in their final moments when they were hurting and scared.
Ultimately it is up to you but if you are questioning your decision now I’d be willing to wager you will always wonder and it will turn to regret.
Go and say goodbye.
YTA – he would want to see you, and you should prioritise him in this moment over yourself. You still have all those other memories, seeing him doesn’t undo all of that.
YTA, and it’s troubling that you mention he lives inconveniently far away before you mention that you don’t want to see him dying; neither are good excuses but the fact that it’s a long trip is the weaker one. Nobody likes long plane rides, but your brother is dying. This isn’t a mistake you’ll have a chance to fix later if you make it now.
Honest question:
You’d rather have a memory than have as much real face to face time with a loved one as possible?
I sure as hell know which one I’d choose.
YTA. This isn’t about you and how you want to remember your brother. This is for your brother, and to ease his transition. Your stance comes off as selfish, considering by your own admission you have a good relationship with him.
Suck it up and go see him. These are the things that will haunt you later on if you don’t do them.
I’m trying to think how to say this gently, because I’m sorry for your brother and for you, but, you are being selfish, and honestly a bit cowardly. I have cancer. I hope everyone I love is there for me at the end and not hiding from the situation. I do hope the best for you all.
YTA. I think you should step up and accept the grief to visit him personally, his last moments are more important than your memory of him.
YTA
Sometimes it isn’t about you. Sometimes it’s about the person you supposedly love. Sometimes tou have to do things that are hard because it will ease someone else’s burden.
It’s hard to see a loved one die but does that mean it’s better to abandon them before they do?
“I want to remember him when he was young and strong!” Ok, but how are you going to forget that you wasted the time you had left with him when he wasn’t?
Gentle YTA. I understand you for not wanting to see your brother pass away. But this isn’t about you, this about how your brother wants to spend his final moments. While you live on without witnessing your brother’s death, your brother passes away without a final goodbye with you. I don’t think it will end well for you and you might live to regret it.
Yta. You being there isn’t about you. It’s about supporting them. I’ll probably get down voted, but your perspective is selfish. You’re putting your discomfort above their comfort. It’s like when people choose not to be there when they have to put their animal down. It was one of the hardest things I’ve done, but it was for them. Not me.
If my brother didn’t want to see me when I was dying because he wanted to remember me looking pretty, I would be devastated. Soft YTA.
I just lost my brother after several years in stage 4 and can’t really relate to anything you just said. We were only 250 miles apart but I saw him as often as I could. My child is heartbroken that he didn’t get to make more memories with his uncle. I want to say NAH but actually telling a dying person “I don’t want to see you dying” comes across as wildly uncaring and self-centered. So sorry his cancer is bumming you out. Are you going to skip the funeral as well? Because those are known to be bummers as well.
He’s putting on a brave face because his situation – perhaps even MORE of a bummer than your having to witness it! – is already bad enough. He doesn’t want to add to it, by sharing his disappointment in you, with you. Your brother is handling his impending death with a heckuva lot more grace than you are.
tl,dr: go see your brother. Not gonna call you an AH, but if you can afford it, go see your brother.