31M. For some simple context, parents have been divorced for my entire life, grew up raised by my mother, halfway across the US. Visited my dad for summers and holidays growing up, but visited less once I started having to pay my own way to fly over and back post high school.
We dont do much for birthdays or holidays when I dont happen to be with him. I haven’t gotten a birthday present from him since college, though many Christmases past have paid my way on expensive trips to resorts to be with the family and always gotten everyone gifts (him, step mother who I get along very well with, step sister). He always plans these trips and other occasions and then just says to send him a check without really consulting me on the itinerary and knows they hit my wallet pretty hard- he makes a lot of money, I very much don’t. The trips include me paying for the family to go out to meals, etc… He treats but likes to be treated and decided it to be so, and is loose with his own and others money.
I’m finally in a better paying job this past year, and recently visited again for Christmas, where I once again paid my way through an expensive resort stay and big gifts all around for everyone. Tried to be extra generous too since I had the money for it and Ive always tried to make Christmas special.
Now hes asking me and my stepsister to buy him a fancy new iPhone for his birthday in March. The 1k up style ones. He’s just retired, but makes much more than I do even in retirement, my stepsister is closer to my income bracket and still lives at home with him. The text he sent us about it also oozed in guilt tripping… And his typical "send me the check" assumption rather than really asking.
Ive got a laptop with a broken keyboard, I’ve lost several weekends of work to the winter storms this month, and I have a birthday before his… for which I dont expect to get anything again, and all of which he knows. He also knows I tapped myself hard at Christmas.
AITA or just stingy? Its not like this \*size\* of a gift is something he asks for often (the expense sure, but not just a gift), but I also worry that a big spend like this opens the gateway to assuming that just because I finally make a wage I can properly live on I can also start making these kind of gifts a regular thing
NTA
If you haven’t gotten a birthday gift from your Dad since college, and if you have to pay your own way to visit him, your step-Mom, and your step-sister, then I guess I don’t understand why you feel obligated to lavish your Dad with gifts, especially since it sounds like he can afford a new phone all by himself.
NTA reply to your dad and assume that you are all chipping in. Something along the lines of “happy to contribute $xx towards sisters phone, that was the amount I have budgeted for her gift”
You need to stop this dynamic. All of this sounds completely unnormal and unnecessary.
No one should ask their kids for specific, extraordinary expensive gifts. He should also not plan those expensive trips without checking in with everyone if they can pay their share.
No way. This is rude and entitled and completely out of line. “Sorry, Dad, I already got your your gift.” Then blow up a nice photo of him with your stepmom & stick it in a nice frame. Done. And with all future paternal shake-downs, go with telling him either that he knows you always like to get gifts early or tell him that then it wouldn’t be a surprise.
Or, in the alternative, you could start telling him about how you want a new SUV for your birthday.
NTA
This! ^
NTA. He’s behaving like an infant.
My suggestion is that you ask him for the same model of iphone for your upcoming birthday. If he doesn’t get it for you, maybe that will be a wake-up call for him when you don’t get one for his birthday. If he does buy if for you, then keep it in the cellophane wrap and just give it to him for his bday.
In all seriousness, he is being unreasonable and seemingly doesn’t understand that gift occasions are not meant to be a chance to give your loved-ones a shopping list. He is unlikely to change his behaviour unless you proactively push back on his expectations.
NTA.
Personally I’d be asking him for a new laptop for your birthday. A MacBook. See how he responds. If he does get it for you, return it and get him the IPhone.
Why would you tell him and his family how much you earn , he’ll expect more lavish stuff , especially as retirement goes on. You’ll be guilt tripped into more and more because the old chestnut of ‘ oh I don’t work anymore I need to watch my savings’ will come out every year. If I were you I’d be saying sorry , work is slowing down and I’ve got to take a pay cut. How’s he gonna know.
NTA
Tell him straight out, that while you’d love to be able to get him the iphone, you simply can’t afford it.
NTA
Reply with
Please send me a cheque for $2500 for my birthday so I can replace my laptop and can work again to pay for your birthday present!
Send him a link to the new laptop YOU want for YOUR birthday, which comes before his. Then plan HIS birthday based on his response. NTA
He doesn’t buy you birthday presents, but expects you to buy him expensive stuff?
Tell him you are happy to pay for his gift – you will spend the average of his last five birthday gifts to you.