For context, I (33F) moved in with my sister (40F) a year ago to provide childcare for her two children after her divorce. As adults, we’ve always gotten along very well, but we do have a complicated family background and every once in a while we clash a bit over our perspectives, expectations of each other, etc. As much as we do our best to communicate with one another, this has been happening more and more recently.
Today, I mentioned a few times that after noon I would need to buckle down and work until going to bed (I work remotely). My sister had plans to go grocery shopping. She went out to shop, called on her way back to send my nephews out to help bring things in, then put the groceries away and got in the shower. I was in my bedroom, door open, working on my computer.
She texted me from the bathroom that next time I won’t be available to help with groceries to let her know so that she can figure out how to allot her energy. For further context, she struggles a lot with physical and mental health, though has good days or leveled-out energy fairly frequently and it’s unpredictable. More often than not, I am there to help put away groceries, and I do most of the household chores.
I texted her back that she should feel free to ask me if she needs help, and explained that I was working and had sent the boys out to help carry in the groceries as she had asked. I acknowledged that it’s often difficult for her to ask for help, but that I also can’t always assume that I’m needed when I’m doing other things.
She said she knew where I was coming from, but if she knows it’s my work crunch-time then she doesn’t want to pull me away from that, and said she was just communicating her needs. She said she’d be careful not to assume in the future.
I heard banging around the kitchen and could tell she was upset, so I went out to ask if she needed to talk because she sounded very angry. She cried and said it felt like I had slapped her across the face.
She went on a drive to cool down, we sat down and talked, but we didn’t get much of anywhere because she’s saying it was unfair of me to put it back on her to ask for help because she’s always going to need help, and that it’s my responsibility to give her more of a heads up when I’m not available to help with tasks like putting away the groceries.
I’m baffled and a little bit in shock that things came to a head so severely over this, so I’m trying to look at it objectively and figure out if I did anything wrong here.
Your sister sounds exhausting.
You didn’t do anything wrong. She has unrealistic expectations, didn’t communicate her desires properly, and didn’t listen when you said you needed to work.
If you continue to clash, it may be healthier for you to move out. Close by so you can help, but in a more structured way where she has to communicate effectively with you.
NTA
NTA I feel your sister. I’m the same way. I have a difficult time asking for help.
That said, at the end of the day, you’re not a mind reader and she NEEDS to ask for help. That also said, you’re doing a lot to support her and you deserve to do what you need to do too. Hopefully she realizes that and appreciates what you do for her instead of resenting you for not doing more.
NTA but you guys need to work on your communication.
I would suggest a weekly sit down to align schedules and plan when your working and when your available to support her. You’re not a parent here and you are amazing for living with her to help but you guys are going to clash a few times before you settle into a rhythm that works.
Try a weekly planning meeting and get ahead of the issues before they arise. Stuff will still come up that you don’t expect but you need to try pre empt some of these issues.
Also you both need to forgive each other when communication fails. You both have needs and neither of you can read minds so you both need to give a little grace to the other.
This is great advice, but the sister needs to stop feeling entitled and actually start asking for help when she needs it. Without her asking and thereby acknowledging sll her sister does for her she’s likely to become more entitled over time.
Very true. OP needs to have some boundaries in place. There to help does not mean live in servant.
NTA – you sound like a great sister, I think your sister is struggling so don’t blame yourself too much for her reaction. When people are struggling they will react poorly, it’s not their fault, just sit her down and have a chat and acknowledge her struggle and she needs to communicate better as you’re always happy to help when needed.
NTA How difficult is it to put sway groceries? Her children were helping her, anyway. You had told her you needed to work. Time to get your own place. She’s got far too comfortable expecting you to do too much.
As a sister helping my sister, I get you OP. It seems there’s one of two things- 1) she’s ultra stressed about something all little things add up to become a Big Thing to blow up on or 2) she has mental fatigue and doesn’t want to make ALL the decisions.
I would have another sit down n have a broader talk. Are yins splitting decisions as equal as they could be? Is she feeling overwhelmed n may benefit from therapy to gain mental health tools to deal? Etc..
NAH, just life being life
You’re not a mind reader…your situation sounds unbearable to me but props to you for helping her out with the kids. If she needs help she need to ask you are NTA
You moved in to provide daycare for her children after her divorce. However, you have a job! Luckily for her, it is remote but that does not mean it does not have to be done and she needs to realise that. When you are working, you are working. You are not 24/7 daycare and mental health support at her beck and call.
Saying she understands then banging around in the kitchen till you come down to find out what’s going on then victimising herself then going out for a drive to cool down, leaving you when you are supposed to be working to look after your nephews is selfish and irresponsible.
These are her children. She needs to appreciate the help you are giving her. In my view, you need to back off, set your boundaries and stop rescuing her.
NTA.
I’m sure her limitations are frustrating for her as well as others in her life, but she needs to make peace with that! You are sister NOT her mate or nurse. YOU are not – or should not- expected to read her energy levels. Nor should the kids as they age . And she Knew it was your crunch time and could have planned grocery shopping better around Your time limitations. We ALL have various amounts or types of obligation / limits. NTA for expecting her be more vocal and more focused on ways TO HELP EACH OTHER !
NTA You told her you needed to work. She had help with putting the groceries away. She can’t expect your help with every household chore.