I am 31F. My GMA (84F) and GPA (86M) are alive and well and live in an assisted living center about 45 minutes from me. Their two children are my mother (61F) and uncle (58M). My grandfather has always been a bit rough around the edges – big ego, always would flaunt his accomplishments (which, come to find out, he would pretend that other peoples’ accomplishments were his), kind of did that to hide the fact that he isn’t really a smart guy. Would also hang with sketchy people. But harmless. My grandmother- grouchy, would complain a lot and pick out your issues, whatever. Despite this I never had any strong ill feelings towards my grandparents until about 4 years ago- my family did not like my significant other at the time for various reasons (a lot of them racist, I believe) and my GPA took it upon himself to find my ex’s ex and call her family and ask for dirt on my ex – assumably, to use against him. I found this out through my ex’s 12-year-old daughter who witnessed it. When I confronted my grandfather about this (via phone) he pretended to not know what I was talking about. Then he exploded on me, called me names like a "piece of \*\*\*\* granddaughter", and basically told me that he didn’t care if he saw or spoke to me ever again.
About a month went by without word from him, and, only when my mother and uncle confronted him and told him what he did was extremely inappropriate and he should apologize to me, he did. He emailed me to ask to meet him in public- I did, hesitantly – and during that meeting he never apologized for what he did, just kept saying how overwhelmed he is and stressed with taking care of my ailing grandmother … basically playing the victim card. (Grandma has had worsening dementia for over a decade now).
So I think I’ve definitely had a lack of respect for my grandparents through the years and what my grandfather did just made me resign myself from really getting close to them again. Now to present day, I only see them on holidays for the most part and keep conversations civil but basic. My grandmother mentally isn’t really there anymore- my grandfather is with it but I do not try to engage with him any more than I have to. I feel some guilt especially when I see my cousins seeing them more often, but I feel like I have the right to not want to pursue a deeper relationship with them if I don’t want to. Thinking ahead, I do not feel like I will regret this when they pass.
AITA?
NTA. You have every right to set boundaries, especially after your grandfather verbally attacked you and showed no real accountability. Maintaining basic, civil contact on holidays is more than enough. Your well-being comes first, and you don’t owe a deeper relationship just because of guilt.
NTA.
Your grandparents don’t deserve your time or attention.
NTA, but just a medical note, even though your grandfather doesn’t have similar degeneration, the frontal lobe does slip as they age and they become more rude or more volatile and quicker to react emotionally.
You don’t have to put up with it, and if you won’t regret it do what’s best for you, but don’t let the way in which they declined taint any good memories you may have
You aren’t doing anything wrong. Polite but distant is not rude.
INFO: Did your ex that your grandpa was checking on end up being a problem?
NTA. You don’t owe toxic people your time.
NTA
IMO, what your grandfather did was out of bounds and wildly inappropriate.
Wow, your grandpa is toxic. NTA
NTA, you don’t owe anyone your time or energy
While no one is perfect, it doesn’t sound as if he really cared anyways that you disappeared from his life. I’d say that the ship has sailed on that relationship given the age and mental state of the two of them. Any initiative now might be seen as self-serving, hypocritical or an attempt to influence an inheritance. People do tend to speculate on things like this. Just attend to the formalities that will come up as they age and pass. Support of your parents who are responsible for those things would be best.
NTA
No matter how old the asshat is, they’re still an asshat. You’ve no time or space for those.
Remind anybody that might say that “blood is thicker than water”, that the full saying is “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”.
NTA
Just because you are no longer with the man your gpa tried to dig up dirt on, it still is Deplorable what he did
Keep your boundaries and don’t feel bad about it.
NTA
My grandad was a misogynistic asshat. He treated my gran and any female relative like shit.
My dad, who kinda looked after him, died before him. I used to keep an eye on him until he told me to fuck off loud enough for me to hear. Due to me trying to talk to him about his situation.
I wrote him a letter that ended with: I’d rather eat my foot than have anything to do with you again.
That was the last time I saw him until he was on his death bed.
His cleaner and my dad’s ex business partner were the main beneficiaries in his will.