First time posting ever on reddit, so sorry if it doesn’t follow the traditional format. But this genuinely pissed me off so bad, and I have a few people saying that I am in the wrong so I just wanted a general census to see if I need to make it right.
My (M22) mother (F54) and I do not have the best relationship. And thats being generous. I want to give the best understanding to the situation so here is a little background. My mother recently had her birthday, and she had a little party. I was not invited to this, and was told it was due to it just being a small thing, and there being bad weather. That’s fine, except for the fact me and my older brother live together, and he was invited regardless of both of those facts.
In my opinion, since there was cake, flowers, and gifts, it was a party
After the party came and went, I went to her house for an unrelated task, and we got to talking. She said she was upset with me, because I do not prioritize her. And I told her im very busy at this time in my life, and where does she think she should be in priority? She said she thinks she should be second priority in my life behind only my wife. Now think about what that really means
#1 wife
#2 my mother
#3 God or religion?
#4 my job that pays for my livelihood? (She doesn’t pay any of my bills)
#5 my home that just had the HVAC go out?
#6 my own health and physical needs?
The reason this all came about, is because she asked me to go to the store for her, and I said no. Mind you, I was at the movies, and had dinner plans. The store was 30 minutes away, and she lives another 30 minutes away. Meaning this would be a 2 hour trip, for groceries she could get herself, or have her husband or other children get.
For context, she a husband, and 6 total children
During telling me that she should be my second priority, my dad walks in, and asks what we are talking about. And she says, "OP is taking me to brunch next week". I did not offer that, did not want to do that, and barely had time for it in the first place. But I reluctantly agreed to keep the peace in the situation.
Fast forward to yesterday. We are at lunch, me, her, my wife and brother. At brunch we have good not great conversation, like I said, me and my mom are not on the best terms. But at the end, the check comes. I look to my mom, and I ask what we are doing. And she says, "whatever you want OP." So, I split the checks. I paid for me and my wife, and her and my brother were on their own. Thinking nothing of it.
But after a little chat around the table. She gets up from the table and storms off, angry.
Now im upset because we go through all of this trouble, and she is still upset with me. My dad is now calling saying I messed up so bad, the only way to make it right it to invite her to dinner and pay for it.
Im so mad, I barely even want to talk with her again, because she embarrassed me, never ever cares about how im doing or prioritizes me, and now im the bad guy.
So reddit. AITA?
NTA, but I feel like there’s more to this than you’re telling us.
NTA. You already bent over backwards to accommodate her: agreeing to a brunch you didn’t want and splitting the check when she left it up to you. Expecting you to prioritize her above your own life and then get angry when you don’t is unreasonable, and paying for her meal doesn’t fix that entitlement.
See that was my first thought. Im like do people normally prioritize their mother over their job? Their house? The health and mind? I don’t feel im wrong for that lol
I love my mom, but she can drive me nuts sometimes. You’re not in the wrong for this at all
completely agree, she’s being entitled and mindless
NTA; if the meal is someone else’s idea they’re on the hook for their own meal
There was a little pushback i got on this, I completely agree with your sentiment.
I said, it was her idea, therefore why would I buy her brunch?
But the pushback i recieved was that “she just threw out the idea, you are the one who actually set it up, picked the location and date, and whatnot”.
I still think It’s not my responsibility, because she suggested it, but others think otherwise because I actually took the idea and did it, set everything up yk
NTA. I still pay for every meal my 2 twenty-something boys want to join me for. Momma sounds entitled!
NTA and I genuinely feel sorry for the toxic environment you were exposed to growing up because she did not just become this way and nor did your dad. In the same breath, I feel sorry for her because this is a learned behavior that she may have gotten from her parents. I suggest you hold strong and take the higher road. It’s easy to just cut her out and blame her for all of the problems between you two, but being there and really having a conversation with her, you and your siblings could help. It may not change anything, but it will definitely make everyone aware of how you’re feeling and the stance you choose to take. Good luck
Thank you. I feel like this is genuinely good advice.
I think your mom is awful but you did agree to take her to brunch, not meet her for brunch… NTA but I can see where this confusion arose
Thanks for you POV. That’s what my dad saw it as too. Miscommunication, but i was in the wrong. But idk im just so upset by her reaction to it. Maybe im being too sensitive.
**ESH.** OP sounds juvenile. The mother may be a pill, but OP comes off as painfully milquetoast.
Why not just call her out for not inviting you to the party? Why not say, *in front of your dad*, that you never agreed to brunch? Instead, you… agreed to brunch, went to brunch, and then decided not to pay for her at her birthday brunch? That’s not principled — it’s convoluted and passive-aggressive.
What great hardship did you actually endure here? You went to brunch. You didn’t pay. That’s it. This whole thing is being framed like a major ordeal when, in reality, it’s just awkward self-inflicted drama. What embarrassment, not being invited to a party, it sounds like you never wanted to attend? What’s with calling your dad her husband? Your siblings, but you say… her other children? Eye roll.
If OP had been honest from the start — said no, set a boundary, and then the mother reacted badly — this would be an NTA. But that’s not what happened. Instead, OP avoided confrontation, agreed to something he didn’t want to do, and then tried to make a point after the fact.
It takes two to create this kind of dysfunctional dynamic. Either confront her and have an actual conversation, go low/no contact, or try to repair the relationship — but don’t pretend you’re making a good-faith effort while communicating entirely through passive-aggressive gestures. Neither of you is being direct, and that’s the real problem here.
NTA, your mother is actually wild for thinking the way she does. She believes you should prioritize her so highly yet she does so little for you, she expects you to be her errand boy it seems cause I imagine that the whole grocery thing isn’t the first time she’s tried to have you do things that are definitely not convenient. I also highly dislike the fact that she forces you into taking her out to brunch, especially after the fact she didn’t even invite you over when it was her birthday? So I don’t think you owe her anything? Then to have a hissy fit when you didn’t pay for her meal was absolutely childish. You don’t owe her anything as she clearly isn’t going to prioritize you, so why prioritize her? I’d distance myself from your parents if I were you, as they’re clearly rather selfish and need a reality check. Tell them why you’re distancing yourself if you do and if you plan to have kids, don’t let them be around your parents alone as it’s obvious your mother may show favouritism in some form of way as she invites your brother but not you? That’s just odd to me but I’d definitely stop doubting yourself OP as you aren’t the asshole! Your mother and whomever is calling you the asshole are. <3