Edit: To be clear, I am paying for the repair myself and am okay if it cannot be paid back. There is no financial risk in that, only the social repercussions of having made the decision. Added words and italicization for clarity regarding the payment.
My close friend and roommate (28F, let’s call them CFR) and I (29M) are having a significant disagreement. I’m more straight laced/risk avoidant, whereas CFR has voiced+shown a much greater risk tolerance. Some examples:
* Adopting a kitten but refusing to take them to the vet (except getting spayed) justified by CFR saying that they know what care is best and can’t afford unnecessary vet bills
* Driving multiple months on a spare tire/donut after bursting a tire during filling, justified by CFR saying they couldn’t afford a new tire and that they’d be able to keep control in the case of a flat or blowout
We’ve argued previously about such compromises based on cost and CFR’s reluctance to accept help, saying they’ll do what they’re able (but implicitly ignoring the offered help’s existence).
Yesterday, CFR needed to transport a car \~25 miles around 8pm– it has broken brakes, just a hand brake. They were going to Uber, then drive back on their own, using the handbrake to stop. I share my discomfort with the idea, and CFR justified that it’d be fine because they’ve done it before/know how to use the hand brake to safely and slowly stop/go slowly in the right highway lane.
Thinking of risk to themselves/others, the potential for worsening costs/damage, and the legal implications, I repeatedly insisted that they get AAA for a tow or use my membership instead.
CFR was considerably reluctant to accept this but eventually accepted a ride from me/tow from my AAA, said it was mainly to help me feel better. We had it towed to a trusted shop. I ask CFR before bed what their plan is if it’s too expensive, and they respond (paraphrased), "Well, maybe I’ll just drive it home on the handbrake…" to which I responded by disengaging and saying goodnight.
I call mechanic this morning, and the cost isn’t trivial. The rear brakes had the pads gone+the calipers/pistons destroyed. It comes time to say whether or not to do the repair.
These thoughts flash through my mind:
1. It is wrong for me to okay this without my roommate’s say (overstep/boundaries)
2. I believe my roommate will drive it home with only the handbrake
3. A tow away is expensive and necessitates another tow/drive to eventually fix it
4. I’m willing to lose my money and damage the friendship to limit risk to my friend/others
I say "do it." CFR wakes, we talk, and they’re understandably upset that I made the decision without them. CFT says it’s not like they’re being reckless, that I don’t trust them to operate the car/am too narrow in my view+focused on only doing things the "right" way. I say I’m fine losing the money if they can’t *pay me back*, that it’s not about trust, and just don’t want them to end up worse/incur risk to themselves+others.
It sucks. Making the decision without them was shitty and I hate that it felt like the least consequential "big-picture" choice. But I didn’t feel right believing CFR would drive it again unfixed. AITA?
ESH mainly her because she is intentionally breaking the law and risking other peoples safety. You became the ah when you okayed work on a vehicle you don’t own, knowing the owner can’t pay it. You put them and worse the innocent shop owner in a bad spot. Simply call the non emergency line next time and report them and the route they would take. Let them get written up.
The shop owner isn’t at risk, as I’m paying for it in full and am okay with that money being gone. You’re not wrong that it puts her in an uncomfortable spot, and I hate that it’s true. If they get written up, they’re in an even worse off personal/legal/financial situation and I would never want to do that to my friend, though if they were dead set on doing something outwardly dangerous, I agree that there’s some moral obligation to report an outwardly unsafe act I know is happening.
Have her pay the amount she could afford. This is literally an emergency. Tell her she can pay you back one day or not at all, you are okay either way. I had a friend once hand me a large sum of money I did not ask for, but desperately needed. She said I did not have to pay it back either. It took me years to pay it back, but I will never forget the kindness. NTA
NTA.
NTA – it is very generous of you to pay for your roommate. But you have to understand that not every one has the same tolerance and problem solving than you. I understand that you don’t care to get repaid or not.
If you take the other side the roommate doesn’t want to be redeemable. This may cause allot of tension between you and your roommate.
I cannot imagine that this shop would have let them drive the car off their property without calling the police on them. I imagine the shop could be liable for letting them and wouldn’t risk it. I’d bring this idea up as well and see if the shop will back you up. I do not know that much about cars, but I have known someone who was not able to get their car back from the shop because it was unsafe to drive. Regardless if this is the case or not, NTA. Imagine if you didn’t do this and your friend crashed and died/killed someone? I imagine you’d have a much harder time living with yourself.
I was thinking the exact same thing, and I should’ve asked before giving an initial answer to the shop. I’ll be heading to the shop shortly and will absolutely be bringing this up. Will update here afterwards if I’m able.
there is being a risk taker and then there is just being reckless. Your friend is bad with money, and he makes it everyone else’s problem like with the cat. That’s not a good friend, that is not a good person. I would have let him start off driving home with the handbrakes and then I’d have called the police to deal with the situation to make sure he faced real consequences for his choices.
NTA, but u realize u r going to b the one who ultimately eats the price of that repair, u said ur ok with handling it so I hope u r…. IF u had said yes and actually expected ur friend to pay then YTA. Since u know they don’t have the extra money u should have just presented it as a gift bc that’s what it’s going to b, u would have saved urself the headache.
If I end up ultimately bearing full cost, I accept that. I’d not have done this if I absolutely *needed* to be paid back.
ESH. Your roommate is irresponsible. She shouldn’t have a car or a pet. Your heart is in the right place, but it was patronizing of you to pay for her care repairs without discussing it first. You’re not her parent or her husband, though even they should also discuss these types of things before stepping in. (This is hypothetical.)
When she accuses you of not trusting her, tell her the truth. She’s not trustworthy. You should also tell her that you did it out of concern for her safety and the safety of others. She really needs to grow up. Bailing her out of situations doesn’t help her in the long run, though, in this case, you might have saved her life.
Your roommate is an asshole and needs to get their head out of their ass. Idc what her situation is, that’s not okay. It doesn’t just put her life at risk, it puts anyone she passes at risk. It’s shitty that she is choosing to be reckless with other people’s lives because she’s so wrapped up in doing everything herself. She should get therapy before she gets any more comfortable putting other people’s lives at risk over her mental issue of not being able to accept help.
Their heart is so good, but I feel like they tend to plan for if everything goes perfectly and aren’t taking seriously that the risk of this situation truly extends beyond them.
If you’re willing to absorb the cost with no strings attached, NTA. This girl needs a therapist.
Are you trying to date her, why are you as a full ass adult putting up with this kinda behavior?