My friend struggles with her mental health and goes through major bouts of anxiety, depression and mania. She’s had a tough life and has spent time in psych wards, the most recent being last year after an attempt. I don’t know what happened while she was sectioned but it’s had a really bad toll on her mentally and physically to the point where she can’t sleep anymore and it’s really fucked with her head. I feel like i don’t know my friend anymore and all the trust we had for each other is almost nonexistent now.
The thing is, we are part of the same friend group and we all go travelling a few times a year. Usually it’s been as a big group with 5-7 but the past few trips it’s been me, her and another friend. The other friend knows about her struggling and is very direct about making her open up if she needs help. She has no problem confiding in my other friend about things she’s stressed about or how she feels mentally, but when it comes to me she’s skittish and refuses to tell me anything other than a flat out lie or“it’s fine”. Obviously this has caused some tension. Our last trip ended in a massive row because so many things had been miscommunicated by her not talking to me and me walking on eggshells around her to avoid upsetting her further.
I will be honest, i’m not the most comfortable with emotions and i’m a very closed off person when it comes to my own private life. I’m also not the type to push to get someone to tell me something they aren’t comfortable with. However, i’ve tried to make it clear to her that if she needs anything from me or isn’t feeling right and needs support or to vent that i’m always here for her. That doesn’t seem to have helped. We took a trip last month, just me and her, and she acted like i was a complete stranger. Everything she did around me was hesitant, she wouldn’t make eye contact and every time i asked if she was ok i would get a surface level answer or she’d roll her eyes at me. She avoided talking with me, if she did it would be one words answers or “i don’t know”. We can’t make plans because she doesn’t want to make decisions but when i propose something her response is “i don’t mind”. Yet my friend back home who we usually travel with knows what’s happening and has had to message me to check everything is ok because she’s worried. I’ve asked many times if it’s something I’ve done but she’s assured me many times that she trusts me and is confortable around me but in her head she can’t open up to me and she doesn’t know why.
It’s grating on my nerves how she can be open and honest with everyone except me and i don’t even get an answer as to why. Every time we hang out either one or both of us leaves agitated and insecure and it’s gotten to the point where im starting to resent our friendship and don’t think i can keep putting us both in this position if we can’t resolve it. But i also don’t know how to put that across without it sounding selfish or like im a bonding her when she’s struggling.
I went through almost the same. A mentally exhausting friendship.
She actually unfriended me because I apparently “liked” someone’s post she was having an argument with.
I miss her because we were friends for quite a few years.
But she did drain me.
NTA but it sounds like you both need to sit down and talk about the actual issue at hand which is both of you not communicating your needs. As well as a direct conversation as to why she isn’t comfortable speaking up to you and how that affects the relationship.
Obv idk if yall have had that convo. But if you want to give it one last try it could be good. Either way some space would benefit you both. It’s never good to feel negativity about your friend or yourself after spending time together.
It sounds like she does have some issue with you and is afraid to be honest. I think the only thing you can do is step back and let her take the lead.
NTA
NTA because needing to decompress after spending time with (me) people with mental health struggles is totally fair.
There seems to be some issue about you being a bit difficult for your friend to be really open with and IMHO is something you need to examine and perhaps work on. Again, NTA but some introspection may be helpful.
NTA – she’s acting weird and if the friendship has run its course, it’s a good time to step away quietly and let her live her life without you in it
Can you back away from this friendship without making it “a thing”? Stop traveling with her unless it’s a much larger group. Stop initiating contact, only responding if she reaches out. If she asks, you’ve been “busy”. No need to talk about or try to fix things, just limit your interactions to the extent possible.
If she isn’t willing to communicate what her issues are, there isn’t much you can do. Relationships where one party has to do all the work emotionally is exhausting so I typically opt out of that scenario.
Better to be completely upfront and honest if your going to pull back as much as you are trying to spare both of you from an awkward convo, simply pulling away can have a negative impact on someone struggling with mental health ,(I’m borderline personality and I’ve had this happen to me recently and my head space currently resembles what it was like when I was diagnosed)
Always be upfront and honest but never just start changing how you interact with them in a passive aggressive manner like not travelling together as much, or only talking when she calls…it’s noticed and it makes them question EVERYTHING.
NTA you get to prioritize your own well being too, and if hanging out with her or traveling with her is upsetting to you, you don’t have to do it.
I’m guessing you’re the only one proposing to do things together? Just…stop. Take a break from her. If she wants to maintain the friendship she can reach out to you too, or you can take a break and try again if you want to. But it’s ok to put a little distance between you if it’s affecting you in a negative way.
It’s ok to break up with friends if they are not a positive influence on your life.
If you need space from your friend, why is it bothering you that she doesn’t want to open up to you? She can clearly sense that you need space so let it go…
Nothing says you have to be her spiritual scratching post.
She’s told you that she “can’t open up” to you and “doesn’t know why”.
I think most people would read that as “there’s no longer a friendship here.”
NTA – this is not your problem to fix.
I’ll give you the advice I received years ago when my “friendship” ended with what I thought was my bestie.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Maybe her season is over. It’s sad but sometimes that is how it is.
Let me get this right. OP is a very private person who isn’t comfortable with emotions and doesn’t share things important to her with her friends, but expects a friend who is mentally ill to be comfortable enough to open up and share important emotions/things with her?
Seems like there’s no room for a friendship between these two because of OP’s very contradictory attitudes towards sharing personal information/emotions.
OP, seems like YTA.