This is a sensitive post about my relationship with my father.
I (18M) have a younger brother. When I was younger, my parents were separated but had an okay relationship. My brother and I mostly lived with our mom.
About 4–5 years ago, my dad met a new partner. They quickly became serious and eventually had a child together. At first, my brother and I visited him every other weekend. After his new child was born, the visits slowly became less frequent and eventually stopped completely.
My dad would text us maybe once or twice a month asking if we wanted to come over. However, he required us to confirm about 1.5 weeks in advance if we were coming. At the time, we were kids and didn’t know what our schedules would look like that far ahead. Plans would change, school and other things would come up, so we often answered honestly that we didn’t know yet.
After a while, the contact became less and less. Eventually, he stopped texting us entirely. We were children and didn’t understand what we had done wrong or why our dad suddenly stopped contacting us.
Now we haven’t seen him in 3–5 years, and our younger half-sister probably doesn’t even know we exist.
Our mom has tried to contact him over the years, but it seems like his partner doesn’t want him communicating with her or with us. Our mom has always told us that we didn’t do anything wrong and that she is here for us no matter what.
Recent events (January 2026)
On Wednesday, January 14, 2026, my brother and I received identical text messages from our dad.
In his messages, he said that after he met his partner and had a child, we “disappeared,” took distance, stopped visiting, and stopped contacting him. He said he is sad and disappointed in our behavior and suggested that maybe when we become adults, we’ll realize that what we did wasn’t okay. In the same message, he also asked us to return a key to his apartment.
Over the next couple of days, he sent additional messages repeating that he was disappointed and asking why we hadn’t responded to the rest of what he said.
On Friday, January 16, I sent a long reply. In it, I acknowledged his feelings and told him I understand that he is hurt. I also explained our perspective:
That we were children at the time
That we experienced it as him slowly disappearing from our lives
That visits became less frequent after he started a new family
That we felt confused, unwanted, and emotionally pushed aside
That we didn’t know how to handle these emotions as kids
And that it is the adult parent’s responsibility to maintain contact with their children, not the children’s responsibility to chase the parent
He has not replied since. His last message was on Saturday, January 17, 2026.
So now I’m wondering:
AITA for having a bad relationship with my dad and not reaching out more over the years?
Nta but your parents kind of are neither your mom or your dad should have tried to make kids a part of the scheduling visits.
How is the mom a AH? It is the father’s responsibility to keep contact with his kids. Asking them for an rsvp 1.5 weeks in advance is crazy for a parent to do.
> Our mom has tried to contact him over the years, but it seems like his partner doesn’t want him communicating with her or with us
Sounds like mom isn’t TA here either. I’ve seen a ton of parents with primary custody do their best to facilitate visits, but if the other parent doesn’t cooperate they can’t really force it.
NTA. Don’t let him gaslight you. You are right that it is the parent’s responsibility. Put the key in an envelope and send it to him. Perhaps look into options for counseling/therapy to help get clarity, and help setting boundaries if/when needed. Im sorry your dad sucks.
NTA
When your dad left you must have been tween-ish. You were not in control of your schedule. Your parents were the ones who should have been talking to each other about when you and your dad would spend time together.
This was not your responsibility and your dad should not be laying it on your shoulders!
There may be dynamics between your parents that you didn’t see that may have influenced how often you saw your dad, but those – if they exist – would also not be your responsibility.
NTA. You and your brother were children too young to even have drivers’ licenses. It was 100% his responsibility as your parent to arrange time with you/follow whatever custody schedule existed/etc. If you “stopped visiting” him it’s because the adults responsible for you (read: him, possibly your mother but she’d have needed cooperation from him) weren’t arranging the visits.
Unless your mother was actively withholding custody from him (which I highly doubt and which also wouldn’t have been your fault as a 12-13 year old!), it’s his own fault he didn’t see you.
NTA. At all. I’m sure this is hard on you so make sure you have someone you can talk to.
NTA, your dad sucks and failed at every single aspect of being a parent.
Wow – your parents really did everything wrong here. What were the visitation terms spelled out in their divorce? One or both of them failed to honor that agreement.
It sounds to me like the second wife set unreasonable conditions on when and how you visited. I get that a mother with a newborn is exhausted and doesn’t want extra visitors in her house, but she had no right to demand nearly two weeks advance notice if the agreement was for alternate weekends. Your father was wrong for humoring her. It was HIS duty to honor the visitation schedule – and now he is blaming YOU?
The dynamic in your father’s new family was to shut you out. You are NTA.
He could have visited you anytime IF he wanted to, he is gaslighting you, I can’t blame you for keeping your distance, nta
NTA never in this world. ALL of the communication you described should have been through your parents facilitating your visits. Not on a pre-teen/child. Children have NO scope to plan like your father requested. Those are adult time frames and expectations. It’s your father’s fault for not fostering a good relationship with you, for his lack of communication and now this horrible emotional dumping he’s doing. Your father failed you, his emotions are his, your lack of relationship was a result of his actions.
Your dad is TA twice. First for completely abandoning his kids, and second for victim blaming the very kids he abandoned to placate his shame about it.
>That we didn’t know how to handle these emotions as kids And that it is the adult parent’s responsibility to maintain contact with their children, not the children’s responsibility to chase the parent He has not replied since.
Wow. That’s a mature take for an 18 year old.
Assuming this is genuine:
This dad was attempting to project his own disappointment in himself onto OP so he didn’t have to feel like he failed as a parent. OP stopped that cold. Now the Dad is either processing his own failings or engaging in the time honored tradition of denial and repression.
If it’s the latter, expect him to text again in a few months with more blame shifting. NTA.
NTA. You’re right, you were children. It was your dad’s responsibility to keep up contact (and it sounds like your mom even tried as well, so it doesn’t seem to be her fault either).
A decent parent doesn’t just go “oh, well my children aren’t texting me much, guess I’ll just not bother trying to see them for YEARS and then try to guilt trip them once they’re adults”.