AITA in this: I m30 have broken up with my ex 3 years ago. I chose not to have contact with her in any kind. For the better of me and for the better of her. My parents have kept in contact with my ex and told me in the past about stuff like „is dating somebody“, „has a new boyfriend“ and very recently „is engaged now“. I have always told my parents I don’t want her to have updates on my life and don’t need updates from her life.
But since the last update I chose to write a letter to my parents that „I don’t need updates“ always equated to „I do not want updates“ and made that more clear. I also told them that I know why my ex gives these kind of updates to them and I do find it worrying and also unfair for her to use my parents to let me know of her life and her „worth“ or whatever her goals are. In this letter I also gave feedback on my parents bringing up my ex in conversations with my gf of 2.5 years which I find unfair for my gf.
After the letter there first was no reaction. Today I kindly chatted them up on WhatsApp if they received the letter which was answered with „yes, and we think we have to talk, cause there seems to be stuff to talk about.“ I answered that there is nothing more to talk about. I want them to accept and respect the two boundaries and that’s it. I told them that I do not have a problem with them, only with my ex sneaking updates on me. They said they have open questions and they want to talk about them in person which I negated.
I told them that there is no need for questions, when they accept my boundaries and I told them there is no bad blood between us.
During the conversation they kept telling me I had an aggressive undertone in my messages and then told me that when I am in the mood for it we should talk…
That’s when I thought: Let’s fucking dance and dropped a story which I kept for myself the last months and I had almost forgotten: My parents asked me if I needed help, I took the offer. Afterwards my mom told my dad that I only contact them when I need something while in fact I contacted them cause my dad asked for it cause they were worrying since they didn’t hear from me in a while. I heard what my mom said about me from my dad and being asked to correct that statement of my mom he told me he can’t cause he promised her not to tell me to contact them cause of them worrying.
After dropping this my mom answered with „see, I knew there is stuff to talk about“ (like it’s a fucking sitcom. Don’t think she saw the humour in this one)
What do you think? Did I overreact?
I gave in a lot in the past in the relationship with my parents and think I can’t anymore.
Edit: it’s not a discussion if I am over my ex or not. That’s not the topic and with the 3000 letter limit there is not much room for these kind of interpretations because there is no place for details on the past relationship or the breakup 🙂
NTA
You have learned [Don’t J.A.D.E.](https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain)(Justify Argue Defend Explain). Keep doing that.
NTA. Your parents are extremely inappropriate and have failed at their parenting [job.You](http://job.You) are not obligated to explain your boundaries to anyone.
NTA
But i am curious why your parents even want to have contact with her if there are no kids involved and you even have a new gf and she is engaged.
That’s the question. I also do not know who keeps initiating the contact. I personally do not care as long as I am not getting updated.
My mother insisted on letting me know things like this. She wanted to control who I went out with etc.
I just put up boundaries and that ended it.
INFO: Is it not possible they wanted to talk to you about how you’re feeling and apologize? It seems like you immediately jumped to a conclusion that them wanting to talk was a rejection of your request. And maybe that’s how they roll but absent that information, it does seem like you overreacted.
NTA. You just fell for “J.A.D.E.”– Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.
She nagged and pushed until she could start a fight so she could be the victim and you could be wrong about 1 thing, that becomes in her mind and the abusive system they’ve set up, you being wrong about Everything.
Next time they don’t change the subject after you say “I’m not going to discuss that,” just hang up.
“No” has to mean something and that something has to be you not being there to manipulate.
You’re right that they’re not being kind or fair to your girlfriend, either.
Hold your ground.
NAH. This honestly reads like they don’t know what to talk to you about so they figured you must be interested in your ex, but after getting the letter, they knew something esle was festering in you and they were right.
You don’t have to give more, but if you don’t give them anything, they don’t have anything to give back either ya know?
So…
You: I have two and only two boundaries and they are both “Don’t talk to me about my ex.” That is literally all I want and the only problem I have with you.
Your parents: Your letter sounded a little aggressive, can we talk?
You: LET’S GO MOTHERFUCKERS HOW ABOUT THAT TIME MOM SAID SOMETHING MEAN BECAUSE DAD DIDN’T TELL HER THAT HE
I mean, yeah, no shit your mother thought there was something to talk about after you trauma-dumped on her about something unrelated she probably doesn’t even remember in the process of telling them that the only thing you had an issue with was them talking about your ex.
ESH. Your parents because they shouldn’t be constantly telling you about your ex; you because you started a fight and dug up issues even you’d almost forgotten instead of just continuing to say “I don’t see a need to talk about this, I just need you to know that every time you start talking about my ex I will hang up or leave your house.”
YTA/ESH.
OP admittedly does have a condescending tone throughout the post, which likely carried over into his letter. It also seems narcissistic to assume his ex is using his parents to relay information. It is more likely that she genuinely cares for them, given that she has been treated as family for three years. It’s not normal to stay in contact with your kid’s ex, but it’s not totally abnormal, especially if one parent got particularly close. The ex’s continued contact may have nothing to do with him, and given that she is now engaged, she clearly isn’t struggling to move on.
While the OP has a fair point about asking his parents not to share updates that trigger or upset him, his attempt to “gotcha” his parents is immature and unrelated to the core issue. There is an unexpected level of immaturity here for a 30-year-old. Also, it doesn’t sound like OP actually wanted to have a conversation, just speak AT his parents, exemplified by his choice to do a letter, and unwillingness to even hear their point of view. It sounds like they are worried, and may have wanted to talk less about not sharing updates and maybe more about OP’s mental health in general post-break-up.
Ultimately, the OP seems like the problem. The post reflects a sense of forced victimhood and passive-aggression, and his attempt to call out his parents for unrelated matters makes OP’s perspective feel convoluted. If you wanted to stop hearing updates about an ex, this was a weird way to go about it. YTA with a tinge of ESH because the parents should respect that he isn’t ready to hear life updates about his ex.
NTA for telling your parents to stop talking to you about your ex/to your ex about you and for not wanting your ex brought up around your current girlfriend. Honestly, I do feel like you should be open to having a discussion with your parents after they read your letter. Not to justify your stance, but to hear them out and reiterate your stance if necessary.
HOWEVER – boundaries aren’t you telling someone what they can’t do. Boundaries are you telling them IF you do \*insert action\* then I will do \*insert action\*. So in this case a boundary would be: “I don’t want to talk about my ex. If you bring up my ex, I will end the call (if you’re talking on the phone) or I will leave (if you are visiting their home).” Boundaries don’t control their behaviours, boundaries control your reactions to the behaviours.
ESH. These are two separate issues and quite frankly your parents were right. If you told them in the past to not talk about your ex they should have stopped but it does seem like you were actually angry about other things.
When they asked you what was wrong that was your opportunity to bring up the other issue. I don’t know why you focused so much on the ex situation.
That’s not how boundaries work. You set them for yourself to follow, not for other people to follow. Example:
“Parents, I have told you I don’t want to hear about Ex and you have disregarded that. I will no longer be present for discussions or activities where Ex is a topic of conversation, whether that means leaving the group chat/not responding to texts/ending a phone call/leaving the location.”
And then you actually follow through.
Agreed. You can’t really force anyone to behave a certain way, you just have to decide what you’ll tolerate. And if they really don’t want their ex getting updates on their life, then they are probably going to have to stop giving those updates to their parents…