Background context: partner (44m) and I (45 f) married for 25 years; we were fighting a lot but still sharing a home and had 4 kids at home 12-22).
I was diagnosed with multiple massive saddle pulmonary embolisms (lung clots) this past September. At the time, it was very unexpected. Walked into er w/ trouble breathing and pain and then quickly diagnosed, started IV and transferred to larger hospital w/ icu (just in case).
When it happened, my partner did not do any research on PE; visited me very briefly in the hospital; went out with friends to a music show while I had my thrombectomy (partner did not know at the time but doctor did tell partner that they’d try and squeeze me in that evening); and expected me to take a taxi home when I was discharged (b/c partner volunteered to go into work; I had given a heads up the night before that I’d be getting discharged that day or the next).
Partner did help jump and pick up our car; transport kids and get the food, ie, house and kid labor. I was very upset with partner and found the support lacking but he says I should have said how serious it was and that I should said what I wanted done. Partner also says that I ignored him when he visited in favor of talking to my 18 yr old.
All of partners friends agree w/ him. Partner says I’m the asshole for not communicating how bad the situation was, not saying what I needed and then getting angry. I said I was in shock, very sick and partner could have talked w/ any nurse or doctor
Edit: I told husband a few hours after I went into the ER (and before I was transferred) that I had multiple pulmonary embolism (blood clots); infarction (dead lung tissue); and my heart was strained. Day of thrombectomy (next day) in the early morning, doctor told him that they would try to squeeze me in for the surgery by end of day (not a given though b/c schedule was already set for surgeons)
I texted him, letting him know I may be discharged the next day and that I was hoping for a ride home
Does he not have eyes? Can he not see what needs to be done?
NTA The fact you had breathing trouble is a huge clue as to how serious it was.
The fact that you were transported to have an ICU if needed should have been a major indication of how serious it was..
NTA
NTA.
I usually feel like people not communicating their needs is the problem in these situations but I really don’t think you should have had to spell out exactly what you wanted or needed in this scenario, even if you had been able to. This feels very ‘if you just told me what housework needed doing I’d do it!’ Figure it out, man!
Did he ask what you needed or how he could support you?
I’m a doctor. You’re describing a serious, life threatening illness. I’m glad you survived.
I think the context here is important- is this behavior typical for your husband? Does he deny or minimize things? Or is your relationship so deteriorated that he is indifferent to you?
Because you could have died and left your kids without a mother. Does he realize that?
Basically the answers to those questions should determine what you do next.
NTA
He is a grown adult. You had a PE, and were likely short of breath. Also, transferring you to another hospital with an ICU is a huge ass red flag that you were in serious condition. He could have picked him phone up and Googled PE. Do NOT let him gaslight you. He sounds like an overgrown kid.
NTA.
I cannot imagine going to a concert or volunteering for extra shifts at work if my wife was in the hospital. There should be no reason for you to try to convince him that the issue was serious. “Admitted to the hospital” should be enough.
Your partner SAYs all his friends agree with him, and they may indeed have voiced some agreement with his position. I imagine if all of his friends were together with all of their partners, it would be a much different verdict.
Clearly your partner considers themselves a co manager of the household, as opposed to being your life partner at this point. That is sad. But it’s good to know.
NTA.
Supporting a partner in the hospital should really go without saying in my opinion. With an age range of 12-22, the older kids can hold things down just fine, so it’s not because of the kids that he wasn’t visiting. Especially given that he was going out with friends.
It honestly comes off like you’re separated and coparenting as roommates more than an actual partnership.
Also, something unsettling me about this is that he was bothered by you talking to your child more than him. By his own standards, couldn’t he have simply communicated that he wanted to be included more?
NTA. First I’m sorry you went through that basically alone. its kinda common sense if my partner is in the hospital no matter how big or small. I would be there whenever i can and help in any way. It’s saying something as well that his friends agree with him, i’m sorry to say but they lack common sense and consideration. Like seriously!
NTA, partner was, BIG time.
I tend to go NAH. Are you sure your partner really understood how serious your condition was? As you said it happened unexpectedly and he only visited you briefly in the hospital. If you were not straight up coughing up some blood during his visit, he may have thought it’s just some routine procedure and they just keep you in for observation. Maybe a nurse even assured him you will be fine.
Not saying it’s your fault. It’s just a prime example of miscommunication. But this is all just a guess. We simply don’t know his perspective and what he was told about your condition.
Personally, I would also attend a planned event, even if my partner was in hospital, if it is (or at least I assume it is) a routine procedure.
The doctor told your partner that you were probably going to have a thrombectomy, and they didn’t think to ask “Gosh, Doctor, is that serious?”…they just decided it was no big deal and went off to a concert?
Then, they volunteered to *go into work* while you were still an inpatient after the surgical procedure?
Geez, do you have to remind them that 3 follows 1 and 2?
You are aboslutely NTA.
NTA. Doesn’t matter whether he researched it or not. My hubby would never leave me in the hospital alone knowing I had surgery and he would NEVER tell me to take a taxi home. EVER!
I hope you are healing well and when you are better, I would seriously take a look at the relationship. Sounds to me like he’s a roommate and not a partner. I don’t know what you are willing to put up with but for me that would be a deal breaker.
You were in the hospital with a life threatening illness and he did the bare minimum of taking care of his own children. Give the man a medal. What a guy! But expecting him to care about you, his life partner? Be present when you go into surgery where you could die? Learn something about your illness? Why are you asking so much from his tiny burdened soul? /sarcasm
Does your partner always expect you to carry the emotional burden and support even when you’re the one who needs it? NTA but ask yourself, what are you getting out of this partnership? If you had a terminal illness, would you be spending your last days catering to his feelings?