I (30F) live in city A and my best friend (29F) lives in city B. She invited me to her 30th birthday dinner with a month’s notice, but I was happy to attend as this is a milestone birthday. I booked a 4-hour train ride ($70), and bought a birthday gift ($130). All of this was within my planned budget.
Originally, the dinner was booked at a Thai restaurant where everyone orders their own plate. But then, a day or so after the restaurant was communicated, she changed the venue to a Japanese izakaya. The dinner is now a group booking with a set menu of shared tapas for the table, costing $80 per person (tax & gratuity are included, drinks are not). The dinner is also @8 p.m. meaning I’ll be killing time in the city for most of the day.
Now, I have dietary restrictions after going through a health ordeal the past few years. I’ve narrowed down my triggers and even got tested to confirm my sensitivities, which is that I don’t eat seafood or mushrooms (they cause reactions). I’ve been doing well with my health lately because I’ve managed to keep a strict diet. Anyways, I let her know about my food restrictions early, and to her credit, she went back to the restaurant and asked the chef to create a group menu with this in mind. I told her not to fuss too much about it, and as long as there were 1-2 things that I could eat on the regular menu of 6 dishes, I’d be okay.
A few days pass and she sent me a “no seafood/no mushroom” version of the set menu, which includes things like salad, pickled vegetables, stir-fried vegetables, fries & vegetable sushi. Apparently I’m not the only one with dietary restrictions, there’s someone that’s vegan. So I guess us special people get our own menu.
At this point, I’m realizing I’d be paying $80 to eat a selection of vegetables, while the rest of the group will be getting multiple protein-heavy and specialty dishes which are of course seafood dishes. This is understandable if I was vegan, but I am not vegan and enjoy chicken/beef. So after killing an entire day in the city waiting to come to the restaurant, the idea of paying $80+ for a few veg tapas is really unappealing and financially tough. I don’t want to make things difficult or take away from her special birthday, but I also feel uncomfortable paying that much for a meal I can’t fully enjoy. For reference, when I accepted the invite, I thought it was going to be individual plates, and was looking to spend $40 max on my plate considering how much I already spent for travel.
I was thinking of asking if I could order 2 tapas à la carte off the regular menu and pay for my own food and drinks, instead of participating in the shared set menu. But I’m worried this might come across as rude or selfish, especially since it’s her birthday and a group dinner. She’s also a massive foodie so being able to share a specially prepared meal with a group of friends means a lot to her.
So, AITA if I ask to opt out of the set menu and order my own food instead?
Call ahead to confirm they’ll even allow that — there’s a good chance they won’t. If that’s the case, don’t go
I think your want is completely understandable but I would communicate w your friend first, and then the restaurant. If they can’t accommodate: try to go to the ‘after hours’ or whatever might be happening after the dinner
NTA but in the grand scheme of friendship rules, she will feel like she’s gone above and beyond for you and the other people with dietaries so for you to now opt out I don’t think will go down well.
The amount you’ve spent on getting there etc also may not register as if that was a big factor, you could’ve declined the invitation, even when it was 40 less for the food. Be prepared for backlash or even your friend just being disappointed (not that this is entirely fair on you, rather just the way it is sometimes).
NAH But that likeyl won’t work, because it is a fixed group offer .
Discuss it BEFORE going, and if you can’t join, don’t go.
If you go, definitely don’t ask about a la carte. it’s really rude.
I manage a restaurant. It is most definitely not rude. The only rude/awkward part is the friend already went out of the way to coordinate with the resto a special menu. Had she of started out al la carte it would have been fine.
They may not allow anyone in the party to deviate from the set menu, FYI. I would confirm if you even have the option before going, but it would also air on the side of rude.
NAH. Totally understand your perspective, but it’s possible the restaurant will require everyone to get the prefixe. And your friend will likely feel that she went to the trouble to accommodate you, even though it didn’t turn out in a way you liked. Can you return the gift instead?
NTA – if I were in your shoes, I’d either ask the place directly (or check their website) to see if they would even allow it. Oftentimes everyone at the table has to be on the set menu.
Whether they would allow it or not would dictate my next move.
Or, I’d decide all the negatives were stacking up and I’d bow out beforehand because more than likely it’ll end up being a “we should pay for the birthday girl” or “we should split everything including the alcohol evenly” or whatever else group nonsense pops up.
I think the best thing is just to be all in and open to making things a bit awkward in the moment to keep your boundaries, or just not be in at all.
Return the gift and pay the $80
This is the way to go. Think of it as spending $80 to be there with your friend, not for the food. If you make a fuss it’s going to upset your friend and getting her an expensive gift isn’t going to make up for it
This is the way.
Get the friend a much cheaper gift if you really want to buy the real gift is the experience the birthday friend wants
NAH Your friend went out of her way to make sure you could eat on menu. This was very kind of her. She is not an Asshole. You also would not be an asshole to decide that this entire excursion is just too expensive and cancel with sincere apologies.
Ask yourself though if this is really about the food. The money is basically to spend time with your friend for her birthday doing what she wants to do because it’s HER birthday, not to eat what you particularly want to eat. The decision is really up to you. If it’s too much money altogether then it’s too much money but don’t make it about the food.
NAH. Return the gift and get something half the cost, then use part of your extra time that day to enjoy a delicious, filling appetizer somewhere else, so you are ready to join the party as is.