I, (19F) and my sister (23F) and I are very different in terms of what we think is acceptable etiquette when it comes to being on time.
I see a lot of people claiming they have older sisters themselves, and they constantly feel like they’re the ‘head of the household’ because of how they were raised, but my sister seems to be the exception. She’s extremely disorganized (especially where time is concerned), but alwasy uses the excuse that she’s busy and it’s part of being an adult. But now that I’m an adult (I know I’m still pretty young, but my responsibilities seem to grow every day), it gets more and more irritating to me.
I’m an extremely on-time person, quickly anxious when I’m even a little late, so I’m not being a hypocrite here. I will admit when friends/family refuse to be on time (especially if it becomes reoccuring), I can become a bit toxic in response. But you know the saying, you can’t pick your family.
Context, I can drive (though don’t have my own car), but I refrain from it in the winter due to anxiety over icy roads. Plus, normally it’s a longer trip to see our dad, who lives an hour away. But even when she’s not taking me somewhere, she’s always an hour plus late, even for special occasions. She completely lost my trust after making me wait for an hour outside, alone, on my sixteenth birthday (even then, she had asked me that day if she could be late, yet still managed not to be there on time). It’s not about wanting to be driven around, because this is a specific scenario that makes sense to both of us given the long distance between locations.
Normally when she tells me she’s on her way to pick me up, I brush it off and schedule her in my head for 30 minutes after the time she says, if not more. I’m always correct in my estimations, if not always still ready before she arrives.
One day she said in the group chat she’d be coming \[to our dads house\] at a different time, completely ignoring me when I texted seconds after to ask the new time to be ready by. She later claimed it was my fault for not calling her instead of texting.
So, she shows up to my house, and of course, won’t give me five minutes to finish getting ready before threatening to leave me there. I figured that since I’d always given her time, she’d give me a few minutes for once.
I said: “do you not care about anyone else by yourself?” which I know was a little harsh, but she’d just put me under a bunch of pressure that I never give her when she’s late. She retorted back, and we got into an argument, where she claimed I was conceited and had entitlement issues. Her fiance (26) stayed silent the whole time, bless his heart, refusing to get in the middle. After the outing I got out of the car without saying goodbye, thinking I might scream at her again if I tried to ignore the issues she refused to take accountability for. I’ve not talked to her since then, and given that she never apologizes to me for anything, I don’t expect to for a while.
AITA?
NTA I’ve definitely delt with people (family) like this and I no longer initiate plans or count on them for anything. Im friendly and will hang out with them but I’ve managed my expectations over time. If you want to be the bigger person and apologize for your outburst and explain where the frustration came from, you can, but in the future these things are better addressed earlier and more directly by stating facts rather than being accusatory (e.g. “I’ve been patient with you plenty of times when you’re running late, you can give me a 5 min courtesy”)
ESH.
You admit to being very anxious; “toxic” in your reactions to your family; you say that your sister “completely lost” your trust after a previous incident; and you are clearly very reactive.
Your sister gave you no leeway, ignored your request for an ETA update, and was dismissive of your feelings.
Then you get into an argument in front of someone else, which is unacceptable.
You’re as bad as each other, and you both need to set some ground rules for future outings, and stick to them, with the prior understanding that any changes to plan, and any delays, need to be expressed and agreed upon by both parties.
And get treatment for your anxiety so that you can drive yourself, or get a taxi.
NTA
But you need to find a way to stop relying on her. For ANYTHING.
Absolutely. Op needs to find a way to work through their anxiety or use public transit/cabs as much as they can. Public transit can suck but taking an hour bus is less of a headache than being frustrated waiting around for an hour not knowing when someone will show up.
LOL, your sister actually said it’s an adult thing to be so busy that she can’t be on time? Did I read that right? If so, that’s a huge crock of crap. Part of being an adult is being mature, respectful and responsible, esp about *other people’s time* GOODNESS GRACIOUS.
NTA.
Also, you said nothing wrong to your sister. You’re holding her accountable. Stand by what you said and do not back down or apologize.
My advice to you is to drive yourself even if you have to learn how to drive on icy roads and be less economical. IMO one thing that’s more valuable that money is time!
Follow the 3 strikes out rule. She’s OUT! Don’t subject yourself to this manipulation by your sister. She’s making it up as she goes along.
Edit to add: DO NOT WAIT FOR HER ANYMORE. If yall are supposed to meet up or attend a birthday or special occasion somewhere, START WITHOUT HER. She must have never had consequences for her tardiness because everyone has bowed before her or put up with it. Just stop. Refuse to put up with it.
“ i’ll meet you there”
Nta
ESH
It is very rude of your sister to be extremely late and impatient with you. She shouldn’t do that. She should also be more forthcoming about changes in plans/ETA.
You, however, need to learn to manage your anxiety and responses. Becoming a “bit toxic” over a petpeeve is not normal or productive. And getting into a screaming match with the person who is giving you a free ride, is also not good. If being late truly bothers you that much, then don’t travel with late people.
Also, how do you know she specifically ignored your text instead of just not seeing it because she was driving/getting ready to leave? In the future, if you have a question that requires an immediate response, you should call them.
Both of you need to apologize to each other, talk it out, and come up with some more firm ground rules.
ESH, and you are not as grown up as you think you are. If her timeline is a serious problem for you, then as an adult, you should find an adult way to solve that problem.
ESH her lateness does suck with that being said.
You need to work on treating and fixing your driving anxiety. Your behavior here wasn’t cool. Now I’m going to sound like a, boomer but people especially younger ones need to stop hiding behind their mental health a d anxiety and what not and instead focus on getting better
Your sister is being rude by constantly being late. You’re screaming at your sister for giving you a free ride. ESH