I (24F) am Filipino and recently started working full-time. I don’t make a lot, but I budget carefully and save most of my income.
At a family gathering last month, my aunt stood up during dinner and announced that her daughter (22F) would be going back to school and that *I* had “kindly agreed” to help sponsor her tuition since I’m “the one with a stable job.” Everyone clapped. I was completely blindsided.
I pulled my aunt aside and told her I never agreed to that and can’t afford to pay someone else’s tuition. She said it wasn’t a big deal because it wouldn’t be “that much” monthly and that I don’t have kids or major responsibilities anyway. She also said it would be embarrassing to take it back since she already told the family.
When I later told my cousin directly that I couldn’t do it, she cried and said she was already telling her friends she was going back to school because of me. Now my aunt is telling relatives that I “gave her daughter hope and took it away” and that I’m selfish for prioritizing savings over family.
Some relatives say I should at least help for the first semester to “save face.” Others say my aunt was wrong but that I still should’ve handled it quietly instead of saying no outright.
I feel like I was volunteered for something I never agreed to, but now I’m the bad guy.
**AITA?**
NTA. Send those relatives your bank account details and ask them how much they are willing to contribute monthly.
And sure, make it a public text / mail.
If you don’t receive enough to cover tuition, you can’t pay.
At the next family gathering, announce that all your aunts and uncles (who are saying you should pony up the money) have agreed to pitch in to help the girl with her tuition. See how that goes.
Or announce that in return for helping her daughter your aunt has volunteered to pay for your rent, utilities, groceries, and gas
Or that they have agreed to take care of all of your household chores and errands as thank you.
I feel like this one would backfire
Unfortunately, in our culture it won’t work. They’ll try to smart shame you and paint you as selfish as they have their own responsibilities.
The play is shame. Shame on the liar and the aunt / uncle that can’t provide. Everyone else will just deflect.
NTA
no, but you should’ve addressed this publicly not just pulled them aside.
I’m a firm believer that if people embarrass you in public, they need to apologize in public and you need to call them out in public.
Because when you’re kind enough to take them aside and discuss the situation, you’re giving them wiggle room to then go back to the public and frame it the way they want to to still be the good guy.
i know that there’s a lot of you that says that I am not the A-hole. Thank you very much for that, this really help me relieve some of my stress
Why would anyone think you were.
She publicly put you in a very awkward position where she hoped you’d have to agree. You were ambushed.
I would watch out for anyone else who supports them and tries to guilt you into paying.
NTA
NTA and set the record straight. Tell everyone that your aunt never asked you and nor did you ever offer to sponsor your cousin. She put you in the spot in public so the pressure would be on you to do it cause otherwise you’d be seen as the villain just like what’s happening rn. Don’t give a single cent, the only person who has to “save face” as your relatives say, is your aunt for her blatant lies and giving her own daughter false hope by telling her you were paying even though she never even talked to you about it beforehand. She’s the a-hole her, not you
NTA. Send out a mass message to the family. “Hello everyone. I am sure you were stunned by the gracious gift that was announced by (aunt’s name) at our family gathering. No one was more surprised than I was. (Aunt) had never discussed this with me and announced this without knowledge. While I love (cousin) dearly, this was never something I would have offered as I am unable to do so. It was a shock to me and I am heartbroken (cousin) was told someone would do this for her and is now disappointed. Understandably, this is a horrible situation I was put in. Financially, personally and within the family. I hope you can all understand this was something announced without any discussion with me. I hope you all can show compassion towards (cousin) and understanding that this is not a financial undertaking I am able to accept. I hope that, in the future, no other family have something like this done to them.”
This is perfect. Since the Aunt’s announcement was public, the response should address the entire family as well to set the record straight and hold Aunt accountable for her actions.
Should also mention, that if everyone pitches in – publicly, that perhaps we (as a family) can help her return to school.
I like this because it not only sets straight a mess that was made publicly, but rather than simply being negatory (as in sorry I cannot) but also tries to come up with a way that IS do-able.