I (26F) and I’ve been living with my mom and my younger brother (21) for the last few years (about 2–4). The apartment we’re in now was kind of a rushed decision, mostly made by my mom, after we left a previous place that had become unsafe. There was an electrical fire in my room, ongoing bug issues, problems with the AC, and the landlord was trying to illegally force us out and double-charge rent. I suggested we slow down and look for cheaper options, but we moved fast just to get out.
The plan was that my brother and I would each pay $500, and my mom would cover $1,000 toward rent and utilities. It was expensive, but at first it was doable. Around 6–8 months ago, my brother lost his job and hasn’t contributed financially since. That left me covering more than I could realistically afford, but I tried to keep things afloat.
Everything got worse when my mom was placed on medical leave (not laid off!) and then she was diagnosed with leukemia in December/early January. For the last month or two, I’ve been the only one working. I’m taking overtime whenever I can, while also trying to handle bills, errands, researching housing options, and basically keeping everything running. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed.
There are also a lot of day-to-day issues that make this situation feel impossible:
• I work with the public, and my mom’s chemo has left her extremely immunocompromised, so I’m constantly anxious about bringing something home.
• We have cats, and one scratched her by accident recently. It took about 10 minutes for her blood to clot, which really scared me.
• She’s become very sensitive to smells, especially the litter box, but still insists on being nearby when it’s cleaned, which creates tension and health concerns.
• I’m currently the only provider, but I’m also expected to take care of basic household problems and tasks that the others are physically capable of doing.
• Mentally, I’m worn down. There’s a lot of pressure, little appreciation, and my food and personal items are often used without asking.
• There are times when they buy food for themselves without including me, even though I’m struggling to afford groceries at all.
• It also seems like she is so against applying for help and grants. Or really helping herself in general. I also think she will get more assistance if my income is not cited on the lease with her.
On top of all this, my mom can barely manage the stairs in this apartment, and financially we just can’t keep living here. I’ve asked her multiple times to look into housing options or assistance, but most of that responsibility still falls on me, even though I’m already stretched way too thin. I’ve offered to help her find a new place for her and my brother because eventually she will have disability and more services to help. I’m just drained and conflicted. Please give your honest opinion reddit users!
It’s becoming more and more common for young men to try to live off of the empathy of women. Brother needs to bring in money in anyway possible to feed and shelter himself and contribute to the household.
This sounds really tough, OP. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with it. Your brother is definitely TA, as are any other family in the area if there are. Your mom is not necessarily TA since chemo messes with your mind, but it sounds like she might not have been the most reasonable person before. Either way, you are trying to bail out a sinking ship and you are right that the situation is not sustainable and you are certainly NTA.
Look into getting a social worker to help you.
NTA – if you get too burnt out you wont be able to help yourself, let alone your family.
Leaving while your mother has cancer and your brother clearly doesn’t care may be selfish but sometimes you have to be selfish for your own mental health!
Theres nothing wrong with making a “selfish” choice sometimes. Its okay to choose to put yourself first.
Also, you leaving may make your brother finally look for work and/or your mother to claim the assistance she needs
First of all, fuck cancer. And I hope your mom makes a full recovery. Good luck to her and I’m hoping for the best for your family.
However. Your brother is the AH for not attempting to pick up his slack. This is a tough situation to be in, I cannot call you the AH with good conscious because I don’t believe you should put your life on hold for someone else (so hell, maybe I’m the AH) but I also don’t think you should drop all responsibility right away either and leave them high and dry. That could have the potential of your sick mom being left homeless.
OP, can you provide more info? Are you planning to leave within a close time frame (2-4 weeks from now)? Have you spoken it over with them in any capacity for them to be aware of what you want to do? If you do move out, how quickly can they recover from the loss of things you bring to the household, like the income to cover rent or bills or the things you do around the house?
NTA! Sometimes, the best help we can give our loved ones is to remove ourselves from the equation. You can’t pour from an empty cup nor can you provide care for a cancer patient. By you moving out, hopefully it will force her to reach out to get the proper care she needs.
For you, you need to put up boundaries for yourself on what you are willing to help with and what you can’t help with. You can’t do it all nor should you!
NTA big on the immunocompromised point because that’s hard. I lived with my parents over COVID, and my dad was told at the beginning of the pandemic that bc of his health issues, he would not survive getting COVID. I stayed at home in lockdown with them for almost 2 full years, and it damaged my mental health in ways I can’t even explain. Talk to your brother because he needs to help support your mom in this situation, too. I get wanting to take care of yourself, too. You don’t have to live together to support each other.
You’re doing all you can to help and receive zero gratitude. Let alone any effort from your brother. NTA. If moving out will bring more assistance and benefits for your mother and also bring you more mental peace, all the better. I hope this will force your brother to spring into action.
NTA. You are at wits end and:
* Your mom is not helping through her refusal to apply for benefits that would reduce some of your burdens; and
* As long as your brother does not get a job, of any kind, that brings in some money, he’s being an added negative to this scenario.
Sometimes, the only thing to do is to remove yourself from the financial equation so as to force the issue. This is one time to do so.
Don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I would have a serious conversation with your brother and tell him he needs to get off his ass and get a job. Then talk to both of them and explain that the current situation is no longer tenable and issue an ultimatum. Let them know that you will have no choice but to leave if things don’t change.
Wow this is so beyond Reddit…you’re looking for help, not an opinion.
How will anything be cheaper for you if you live on your own? You can create boundaries for yourself. All three of you are adults and you need to make a decision together…like a serious family conversation, bring your financial info together (how much things are costing, who is contributing what) and talk about options. Tell them it’s untenable the way it is now and you need their help to figure it out together, or you have no choice but to find a cheaper option for yourself.
There is not ‘AITA’ about this…you need assistance, not opinions.
Give the brother a 30 day timeline to get a job or move out.
Maybe if mom had kicked out the freeloading son she wouldn’t be about to lose the load-carrying daughter.
NTA. Options: 1. Find a cheaper place for everyone to move. 2. You and mom move to cheaper. 3. You move.
You have to pick and make a change now. Debt will only pile on. Your mom is still responsible for herself. You can help, but you can’t take over. That won’t fix anything.
Your brother needs to step the fck up. NTA