AITA for not messaging my friend for a week?
Hi everyone. I’ll keep this as short as i can. I have a friend (we’ll call her C). Me and C live in different parts of the country because I’m in university currently. Two weeks ago C asked to make plans. I agreed to see her at some point, but we didn’t get round to deciding a day or anything. Before we could decide on a day, a lot of stuff in my life happened at once that i couldn’t have foreseen. My 1 year relationship ending, harassment from my mum who I’m in NC with, conflict with my housemates that i got dragged into, helping out my pregnant sister with baby prep, university commitments (i help run a club at the uni and was asked to step up as the leader was having medical problems), as well as typical lectures and work. It’s safe to say i had a mental breakdown because i felt like i had no room to breathe.
After a week i felt a bit less overwhelmed so i messaged C. I apologised for taking a little while to respond, let her know that I’d had a rough week and it wasn’t personal, but expressed I’d still be happy to make time for her. She replied a week later and it’s safe to say she was pissed. She said she didn’t appreciate not getting a response for a week, and she felt like I’d prioritised other commitments over her. She said I’d neglected her and she wasn’t interested in hanging out anymore.
I confided in another friend from home about the situation because i felt bad (we’ll call her P). P had a different stance. P believes that C is being unfair as me not using my social media was a one-off occurrence, and not a pattern. P also believes the underlying problem here is that i make myself too available too often, which is why C has the impression I’ve neglected her. But the issue isn’t that i haven’t tried enough, it’s that i was giving too much of myself to other people in the first place.
I have mixed feelings. On one hand i didn’t intend to make C feel bad, but P has a point. Yes i was still tending to other commitments, but not out of personal choice. There are people in my life I’ll cross paths with regardless of what I’m dealing with (people from the uni club, my housemates) because they’re part of my routine, so to compare my interactions with her to my interactions with them feels unfair. She was only focused on how my absence affected her and didn’t stop to consider that i might not have been okay as that behaviour is typically out of character for me. I only had enough energy to respond to messages OR deal with face-to-face commitments. I wasn’t even taking care of myself, which is an even bigger problem. I tried to amend the situation and apologised but she wasn’t interested.
I need opinions because i feel very conflicted. So reddit, AITA for not texting my friend for a week?
NTA, I haven’t communicated with my best friend for like 2 months lol. You don’t need to do all this justifying and explaining. True friends don’t squabble over such things.
NTA. You had a burn out and break down and were running the gambit. If she knows you had a lot going plus that and is still pissy… very NTA. Even if she doesnt have context. P can see you make yourself very available and called it accurately.
NTA, but I think a little heads up that “hey, I’m having some rough stuff going in my life, I might not be able respond immediately” or something like that would be nice especially since you sort of had plans soon. I don’t know C but most people I know would respect that and not take it personally
The only long distance friendships that survive many years are the ones that remain understanding and ever so kind. NTA
NTA – True friends pick up right where they left off, no matter how much time has passed. And they generally give a shit about your life, not just theirs.
Info: did she reach out to you at all during that week?
You’d only be an asshole if she was checking in on you and you were blowing her off.
I do think your other friend might be onto something though with you not having boundaries and spreading yourself too thin.
I appreciate the question! To answer it, no she didn’t, from the day that we last discussed potentially hanging out (the 17th of jan) to last night i didn’t hear a peep off her whatsoever. I messaged her on the 24th to apologise, so when i say it was a week i was MIA i was being literal
I have a friend like that – he gets pissy if I dont give him enough attention and always wants me to justify every other time commitment. He has all kinds of social expectations and cannot accept that others are not like him.
I generally try to give a quick text saying I’m too overwhelmed to plan anything else rn but will get back when I can. That works for my solid friends but not him. So I just tell him I’m trying but this is all I can offer. Sometimes he gets mad and wont hang out for a while, or will try to punish me by ignoring my offers to meet up, but thats on him not me. I just dont engage in the games and keep responding like I would with my more reasonable friends.
But if your friend is not usually like this, maybe ask why she is so upset? Maybe there is something big going on with her and thats why she’s trying to see you and why she’s extra sensitive to not hearing back.
I’m a father of two kids. One is 37 and he lives on his own in another country. The other is 14 and lives with me and my wife (his mother).
I love and have a great relationship with both of them. With that said, I haven’t messaged my older son in about a month. Who really gives a shit? If he wants to reach me, he can pick up the phone and call me. If I want to reach him, I can do the same. Sometimes we get on the phone and speak for hours. Sometimes we don’t talk for weeks or even months. It doesn’t change anything.
Why is it that the current generations need constant reinforcement over social media about things that are inherently obvious? We have the technology to reach each other when we want to or when we need to. Shouldn’t that be enough? I don’t need to call my son every few hours to tell him I love him. He knows it and I know it.
You’re not the asshole.
A week of silence during an unusually overwhelming period does not equal neglect, especially when this isn’t a pattern for you. You didn’t ghost her out of indifference, you were dealing with a breakup, family harassment, housing conflict, increased responsibilities at uni, and supporting a pregnant sibling. That’s a lot for anyone, and it’s reasonable that you went into survival mode.
You also handled it well afterward: you reached out, apologized, explained without being defensive, and expressed that you still wanted to see her. That’s healthy communication.
Your friend’s reaction is where things tilt. She’s allowed to feel hurt, but framing your one-week absence as you “prioritizing others over her” ignores context and centers her feelings without acknowledging your wellbeing. Expecting constant availability, especially when life implodes, isn’t realistic or fair. The fact that she replied a week later herself while criticizing you for the same thing also undercuts her position.
P is likely right about one thing: if people are used to you always being available, any boundary or pause can feel like abandonment to them, even when it’s not. That doesn’t make it your fault; it just means some relationships need recalibration.
You didn’t do anything malicious, careless, or dismissive. You had a rough week, took space, then tried to repair. Her choosing to disengage entirely says more about her expectations than your actions.
It’s okay to grieve the friendship, but you don’t need to carry guilt for protecting your mental health.
OP I live a few blocks away from one of my besties of 25+ years. The norm for us can be a 3-5 day response time unless we have already set plans. If C can’t handle it now I promise it will only get worse as you get older. NTA- you apologized when you reached back out. If they can’t roll with this I would start to distance myself.
NTA. A week of silence during a genuine mental health crisis is not neglect. You didn’t ghost her indefinitely, you didn’t cancel concrete plans, and you reached out with an apology and explanation once you had the capacity. That’s reasonable adult behavior.
C is allowed to feel disappointed, but framing this as you “prioritizing other people over her” ignores the reality that some obligations aren’t optional and that you were barely keeping yourself afloat. Expecting constant availability, especially when nothing was scheduled, isn’t fair.
NTA – the fact her instant response wasn’t “oh my gosh you’ve been going through a lot, are you ok now? Can I do anything to help?” Lets you know that this isn’t a you issue! It’s a them issue. Your “friend” is the AH
Side note – I hope you’re doing better now!
NTA, you should listen to P. The normal friend reaction to your response should be a ‘no problem and oh no what happened are you ok?’ C exposed herself by overreacting in a clearly self absorbed manner. She also gave you an out (of the friendship) maybe take her up on it. Sounds like you’ve out grown this relationship.