Am I the asshole for not wanting to move in with my sister in law?
A little context, my fiance (25M) and I (25F) have been together for 5 years. He’s military, great. We have a two year old boy. Well we are PCSing to a new place. We live in my hometown currently because we have been blessed to stay here for a while. The time has finally come for us to move.
Well we are moving to where his sister (whom I have no problems with) lives. She and her husband bought a 5 bed home. They have three dogs. We have 3 dogs. Well they offered for us to move in with them. We are not the best with money so it will give up the chance to get caught up on debt. I understand that. That is great. Thank you.
But my fiance and I, our toddler, and 3 dogs will be moving into their home. In their space. We have never lived with anyone but each other. Well he did have a short term roommmate but it was temporary and he was mostly in his room. We were helping him more than he was helping us to be honest.
From my fiancé’s point of view. We are going to a new place where I know my sister in law, her husband, and one friend I’ve made along the way. So I need the support system. We also need to get caught up on debt and save some money so that we can buy a house. I get that.
But from my point of view we are burdening them, even though they offered. I don’t want to live with 6 dogs. I don’t want to live in someone else’s home. Maybe I’m being ungrateful but I want my own space. But I also understand we need to get caught up. I’m very conflicted.
NAH: this is a 2 yes’s situation but I would take a look at it from a whole. Do you prefer the comfort rn or the debt-free later? There’s no right answer just a decision you both need to make
NTA. Seems like a great idea on the outside, but once it’s actually happening…you have a young child and 3 dogs. You need your own space.
Nta. You get BAH or you can live on base. He also has access to financial planning resources. Use the support that’s available to you.
NAH
I can definitely understand how you’re feeling but sometimes you have to suck it up especially if the outcome is something that will help your future. As someone who lived in a big household, once you get into a routine the more comfortable your living will be.
NAH
Now if he keeps pushing after you say no he moves toward AH territory. Your concerns are valid. And frankly, if you don’t feel super comfortable with them or with your living situation it will increase your stress. Look for low cost housing near them. Get a part time gig babysitting or some other work that is conducive to stay at home parenting if childcare isn’t in the cards. That will also help with debt.
Since you are conflicted, maybe you could just agree to try it? Then, if it isn’t working out you and your husband can make other arrangements. Maybe it will work out great, maybe it won’t, but if you can at least get out of some debt and get some money saved it won’t be entirely a bad thing.
NAH It’s very kind of them to offer to house the two of you, a toddler, and three dogs. VERY kind. Would you and your fiance consider that for maybe 2-3 months, save a little, and give yourselves a chance to look for housing?
Do you anticipate being re-stationed elsewhere in the next few years? If so, you might want to wait on buying a house.
I would do it short
If you choose to do this I would recommend you and your sig-other come to an agreement on a maximum stay. I would set it up as a numerical value of debt reduction and/or a time on the calendar, which ever comes first. Both agree and then unless a huge thing happens, you stick with your plan. Lots of marriages/relationships break up in situations like this due to hidden hostilities towards each other or the other parties or adultery. Be careful.
Does the military offer financial counseling and classes? If so both of you should take advantage of that.
What about a compromise where you stay there for a few months and save like hell, then move out? Because unless your SIL is abusive this sounds like a good opportunity to get ahead financially which will mean you can afford a better place when you move out.
If you DO decide to do this, talk to your husband first on your and his boundaries. Then have a talk with SIL and her husband about mutual expectations. Write it down. Everyone agrees. Don’t go in with any assumptions. Talk all the assumptions through ahead of time.
NAH
Limit the stay to six months then find a very cheap place to continue saving money. nta but be practical.
NAH I don’t think anyone thinks this is a perfect situation, I think your finance is just trying to focus on the upsides rather than discount your concerns. It can both be a great way to recover from debt and moving somewhere where you already know people is always good, it also sounds kinda hellish to be living with that many people and dogs under one roof. Both can be true.
I don’t have an answer, but that’s a lot of dogs.