Am I (26F) the asshole because I don’t want my (26M) boyfriend’s daughter to sleep in the bed with us. We usually have her every other weekend and she is 8 years old. We spent hundreds of dollars to put together a room her in our 2 bedroom town home. Before this, the room was just make spare makeup and computer room but I moved all my stuff out of there so we would be able to start keeping her. So it’s been a good 6 months that we have been keeping her. She would ask to sleep in our room and sometimes we would let her. We only have queen size bed but when she would sleep with us I would end up with no blanket getting pushed off the bed. For the most part we would make her sleep in her own room. Flash forward to now, I just had a baby a month and a half ago and this is our first time keeping her since having our baby. She had asked if she could sleep in our bed and like I usually say I said no. My boyfriend however told her yes, to which I said she couldn’t because of the baby. I know I can’t put up an argument with my boyfriend because of how he is and what he says goes. I make up in my mind I will take the baby and sleep downstairs as we have a crib set up down there and I’ll stay with him on the couch. (we didn’t put the crib in her room because how is an 8 y/o supposed to sleep with a baby in their room) My boyfriend however gets extremely upset with me because I don’t want to sleep in the room with her. Keep in mind i’m not currently going to sleep, it’s already 12am and she was supposed to be sleeping hours ago, and i’m up and down with a newborn all through out the night. He comes downstairs takes the baby from me and says the baby is sleeping where he always sleeps and tells me “you stay down here since you want to be alone so bad”. Then texts me “Don’t you ever make my daughter feel out of place and not wanted again” and “How do you think she feels you won’t even sleep in the same room as her”. Of course i’m not trying to make her feel bad in any type of way I just don’t think she needs to be in our room when we’re not going to sleep and I have to take care of a baby. I don’t think it’s wrong to have boundaries and I was trying to be responsible knowing she wouldn’t go to sleep right away being in there when it was already 3 hours past when she should go to sleep, and also knowing she will get woken up through out the night. It’s about her sleep and my own comfort knowing I can’t move stay up and do things like I normally would with her in there. Am treating his daughter poorly because I feel this way?
NTAH. You’re not rejecting his daughter, you’re just protecting your sanity and the baby’s routine. New moms need rest.
NTA
Baby girl your boyfriend is abusing you if ‘what he says goes’. He may not be hitting you, he may not even be yelling at you, but completely taking your agency and autonomy is ABUSE. He is also not truly concerned with his daughter if he isn’t able to see how she wouldn’t sleep well when you’re getting up every few hours.
Do not marry this man.
NTA, regardless of anything, sleeping with a newborn is not sleeping at all. If he wanted to keep his daughter comfortable he should have slept with her in her room rather than having you leave your room.
I’m more concerned about “because of how he is and what he says goes”, this doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.
NTA.
But, if he thinks it’s a non issue, let her sleep there with the baby too, set up an air matress for yourself on the floor.
Maybe even do a movie night with everyone in the lounge room. It should only take 2 or 3 nights where the 8yr old doesn’t sleep well for her to stop coming in.
DO NOT change your habits just cos she’s there. Partner and step child will figure out it’s no longer working. If complaints are made, it’s baby’s home too, and 8 yr old has her own space, just cos she doesn’t want to use it, isn’t your problem
nta. you’re not rejecting his daughter, you’re setting totally reasonable boundaries, especially with a newborn in the mix. an 8-year-old doesn’t need to sleep in a queen bed with two adults and a baby, and it’s actually healthier for her to have her own space (which you already went out of your way to create). what’s not okay here is your boyfriend steamrolling you, undermining you in front of his kid, and then guilt-tripping you with “you’re making her feel unwanted.” that’s unfair and manipulative. you already tried to compromise, and he’s still doing that to you. his reaction is the real problem here and the way he handle it. he’s def the asshole here 🙂
1. The way you write this post and how you refer to the 8 year old it does sound like you give a bit of a hostile vibe.
2. NTA, but if you do want to have a smooth family integration, you might want to start bonding with the 8 yo to communicate w her better why its better for her to sleep in her room.
3. Saying wtv he says goes is not a great indicator for a healthy relationship. Truly hope he has other very redeeming qualities bcs from this post it sounds like he is abusive.
NTA. What he said is super guilt trippy and gross about making his daughter feel unwelcome. He is raising an unempathetic daughter who looks out only for her own needs and no one else’s. Which he clearly does the same if he cant compromise with the Mother of His Baby. I dont know how I feel about you being in an environment so controlling WITH THE PAIRING of manipulation. Its gross and not okay. I honestly hope you two can sort out whatever he thinks he is doing right because its Wrong.
I’m sorry you as a new momma have to deal with that. You’re comoletely logical in your wants, why’s, and boundaries. Don’t let him manipulate you into feeling otherwise, you’re doing nothing wrong here. How dare HE make his own Partner feel Unwelcome in Their Own Home. what a jerk.
YTA to your baby for not picking a better dad. Good luck 👍
🚩🚩🚩🚩 so many red flags. Oh honey….
NTA and you should take your baby and run to the hills.
I can’t believe you had a baby with this dude.
If he takes the baby back upstairs, he’ll be the one with no sleep having to bring the baby back downstairs to the mother. Stay down there and sleep and let him get no sleep draggng a baby back and forth. As long as that baby is in a crib and not in the bed with them.
I hope y’all don’t last, he sounds awful
Context. You said “what he says, goes.” Why? Honestly. Is he abusive? NTA. But you need to make sure you have a go bag and separate finances. Get nanny cams. I don’t think he likes you.
Also, I wouldn’t sleep in a bed with someone else’s kid. All that has to happen is she accuses you of “something” and your life is over. Ask her mom how she feels about her ex forcing her kid to share a bed with a stranger.
“I know I can’t put up an argument with my boyfriend because of how he is and what he says goes”. And knowing this you stay in a relationship with this man and have his baby?
Step daughter is probably quite concerned about her place in dad’s life and feeling displaced by your child is not going to help matters. Bf should not have overridden you; you should have explained your concern clearer (exhausted due to new babe; no sleep due to no blankets; needing your own space ); you both need to look at the needs of all members of the family.