(Messages are below) (ALSO UPDATE??)
Okay so me and my friend hangout like 1-2 times a week, he’s been a bit busy this week and he suggested that we make plans soon. We never made any plans. We just talked about making them. Anyways, I had a Saturday off and I never get Saturdays off and I just recently turned 21 and I wanted to go to the bar on a Saturday cuz I’ve never been to the bar when it was busy and I don’t go to bars often anyways so I planed to go by myself.
Later on in the night, a man wouldn’t leave me alone and he kept grabbing onto my waist and saying “sorry I just love younger girls like you” (he’s 38) so I texted him since he lives 2 blocks away, I’m not really sure what I was wanting him to do, but he’s also like one of two friends that I have and the other friend is working and also lives A LOT farther away. I didn’t really have anyone else to talk to so I went to him. I’ve never been like this towards him or really anyone, he’s a newer friend and I’ve never really expressed any negative feelings around him ever. I just feel like maybe I did do something and just don’t see it, I want to know what I could have done better so I don’t do something like this again.
Messages: (reminder, IM DRUNK, until the end cuz I texted an apology this morning)
(Drunk) Me:
I need help
Yes
Idk I’m nervous
Him:
Im not your fallback person and I don’t appreciate it
What do you even mean?
Me:
Haha no that’s not what I mean
Sorry
Omg I’m so sorry idk
I’m gonna go home
Him:
I think youre kind of a dick
Me:
Wait what I’m so sorry
I’m so sorry did I upset you? I’m so sorry that’s not what I ment
I apologize, it’s my fault
Him:
I really don’t like the way you treat me
I am not your emotional support for when things go wrong with someone else
(This morning, sober) Me:
Hey, I’m sorry I upset you. That wasn’t my intention at all. I was feeling really nervous and felt the need to reach out to someone, not because I expect you to be my emotional support person. I wasn’t trying to use you or treat you poorly. I care about you and didn’t mean to upset you. If you don’t want to be friends anymore that’s okay
Him:
Hey, i may have overreacted a bit but i just wanna make things clear. I find the idea of you blowing me off only to go do the same plans with someone else very disrespectful and inconsiderate. This dynamic isnt healthy for me and I dont feel respected. I want to step back from things. I wish you the best.
For what its worth, I enjoyed eating mini donuts in the car with you that one time
Me:
I didn’t realize we were for sure gonna go out and do something. I’m sorry I should have made sure before I went out
I didn’t go with anybody somebody just came up to me and was being not the nicest towards me and I got really scared. I just wanted to express that to somebody and I’m sorry.
UPDATE:
He just sent this:
Im sorry that happened to you, I sorta misunderstood the situation. This wasn’t outta the blue for me there were a number of (what I took as) slights over the last few weeks that left me feeling sidelined. So this kinda tipped me over the edge and made me crash out a little bit. Im realizing I should have said something or set a boundary earlier. If you still wanna be friends we probably still can, we can talk about it later maybe 👍
Yeah idk if I’ll respond, lmk what to even do bro 😭
NTA You didn’t do anything wrong other than forgetting to follow up on making plans with him, which he also is guilty of. He is upset because he feels like you ditched him for plans you thought were better with someone else. We know this isn’t the case, but think of it from his point of view. You text him while out at the bar talking about how some guy was making you uncomfortable, a guy your friend thought you probably ditched him for. From his perspective you only were texting him cause you needed something from him after you had already ditched him. This was simply a bad case of miscommunication. Just explain to him what you have told us here, and apologize for not locking down plans with him when you spoke earlier in the week.
He’s just leaving me on read, I’m not gonna text him anymore and just let him text me if he wants
NTA You’re the young plaything that he desires and knows that you have other choices. Let him sulk, he’ll get over it. But you may need to mind your drinking though.
Of course I want to hang out with him. I’ve just haven’t been able to get out and do something myself. I feel like he’s being selfish, but that’s just my opinion. I don’t want to lose him as a friend. I don’t have any other friends (other than the one I mentioned)
“plaything”? ewww
Looks to me like he likes you, got jealous and is overreacting. He is absolutely an asshole for reacting like that when you’re in need.
It’s weird because he doesn’t want to date. He just likes to fuck around here and there. I don’t know why he had such an issue with me doing something myself.
Controlling you but only wanting to fuck around sounds like abuse to me. I’m so sorry this happened. But besides him, are you okay after that encounter at the bar?
I’m okay ^^ I just made some bathroom excuse and then left when he wasn’t looking and walked home.
My friend has never been like this before. No idea wha happened
NTA: you don’t owe anyone else a hang out and texting a friend when you’re anxious is normal. dude needs to get a grip. sounds jealous
INFO: are you sure he’s referring to you going out alone? I’m missing the part where you mention to him that you were being harassed by a creep in the bar the night of; you only mention that the next morning. How did he know you went out? Is he referring to last night or another incident altogether?
Dgmw, I think it was reasonable of you to ask for help if you were feeling unsafe. But there’s context missing between you and your friend, or some miscommunication is going on here.
The guy from the bar is an AH and a creep.
Oh sorry, I forgot to mention that I was on the phone with him for a brief like 20 seconds before he hung up on me and I mentioned it to him on the phone. That’s my bad I should have said that
NTA and if I were you I’d distance myself from him since he decided to whine and throw a tantrum when you were in danger. Never accept anyone like that.