This is so goddamn stupid but I’m actually wondering now. To start off, I’m a 26 year old woman. Everyone involved in this story has been part of my life since high school. Yes, we argue like most friend circles but this was way bigger.
My friend turned 27 a few days ago and had a birthday celebration I didn’t end up going to because she was so entitled about it. One of the ground rules she set for this celebration was that everyone going had to bring a gift that day or they weren’t allowed to be part of it. I had no issue doing this because I typically always make sure I do these things in advance but I found it pretty unfair to the people who a) bought stuff online and had to wait for it to be delivered b) were in difficult financial situations or c) some other reason. I said this in our group chat and her response was “not to be harsh but if you’re broke, why even bother coming?” I told her “you’re doing this at your house so I’m not sure why it’s such an issue”.
We kinda got into it. She told me “if you guys are true friends, you would’ve remembered that your friend’s birthday was coming up and gotten a gift on time”. I asked her if someone hurt her feelings during her last birthday and if that was why she was inflicting this on everyone now and she caught an even bigger attitude. Some people were on my side and said it was pretty unfair and was putting pressure on people. Other people disagreed and said “if you don’t have the money, just make something at home”.
Anyway, it was heated. She asked me if I was broke or something and I flat out told her I don’t feel comfortable attending anymore because of her attitude. She just left me on seen. Some people were asking ME to chill out meanwhile my other friend texted me separately and told me she agreed and didn’t understand why she was being unreasonable. Well, she had the party and texted the group chat saying “thanks to the people who cared enough to celebrate with me” along with a photo with the friends who went. I just opened the message and didn’t say anything.
Am I so wrong for calling that out? I mean personally, I don’t care about getting gifts on my birthday. I’ve had people give them to me a bit later. Then again, I also don’t care about gifts much. I just want to know if I was somehow rude and came off as uncaring. Like yea, people can make things at home but we typically just buy things. Am I the asshole here?
\*\*Some parts were rephrased a bit\*\*
Info- what kind of party is she having? You say it’s just at her place. Is it a casual BYOB or is she fully catering it?
She sounds pretty rude to have an attitude of denying entry to anyone with out a gift- but if she’s splashing out and spending a lot of money, than most people should be bringing a gift
Sounds like you’ve known her for around 10 years — is this the first time she’s acted like this? If so, what’s changed?
NTA.
NTA. You’re adults not 12 year olds.
I don’t give my friends birthday gifts,
They don’t give me birthday gifts, not even for my 50th. They came to celebrate with me, that was my gift.
I occasionally give my friends gifts and they occasionally give me gifts, but it’s a “hey, I saw this and thought of you” kind gift.
Gift giving at birthday parties, as far as I’m concerned end when you outgrow kids birthday parties.
NTA. It is quite stupid for expecting friends and guests to have a gift already with them on the day especially if they’ve ordered something online and delivery was delayed through no fault of their own, even if they ordered in advance. I don’t think it’s wrong to expect a little something on your birthday, even if it’s just a card from Friends who are broke, but her rigid attitude is definitely unflattering
ESH.
Your friend is the bigger offender because of course it’s rude and exclusionary to tell people they have to bring a gift to any party. Even wedding gifts aren’t mandatory, just expected.
But getting into it with her in your group chat also wasn’t ideal. When you actually want someone to walk back a bad decision, it’s almost always better to start with a private conversation. Then, if she doubled down, you could have skipped the event, conscience clear. Public shaming is rarely effective, and in this case you only succeeded in making everyone else uncomfortable.
ESH: I think demanding gifts is rude and tacky.
That said, raising it publicly in the group chat made the situation worse. A private message to her may have avoided a lot of drama.
Since you already had a gift, it did not affect you personally, and you did not know if others were impacted either before you called it/her unfair. It felt like you were starting drama for no reason.
NTA
you probably could have behaved a bit better when telling her what you thought, but your friend behaved in all respects like a jerk. She’s 27 years old fer cryinoutloud, not 12.
How adults have birthdays/parties/ gifts:
1. Plan a party
2. Invite your friends
3. As the host, treat them graciously.
4. Enjoy the companionship of your friends, and work to be sure they enjoy your companionship and that of the other guests.
5. Be grateful for any gifts that may come your way.
>we argue quite often as do most friend circles
fyi – Most *friend* circles do not “argue quite often.”
NTA, but there seem to be so many stipulations to today’s “friend groups.”
No one needs think kind of nonsense.
“If you’re broke why bother coming” – she doesn’t view ANY of your value besides your literal ability to give her things.
I haven’t gotten a gift from a friend in YEARS. Their presence in my life is their gift.
RUN OP. When people TELL you who they REALLY are: listen.
NTA. I have a feeling she would have turned away homemade gift givers
I’m surprised she didn’t put a minimum spending limit on the gifts. Very greedy attitude.
ESH – bringing it up in one group chat was a bad move.
If you’re frequently having fights at this level with your friend group then you need new friends
Once you reach adulthood, demanding gifts on your birthday is crass. It is one thing in a mutual partnership, but expecting adult friends to bring gifts or not allow them to celebrate is childish.
I’m mostly just stuck on the idea of not bringing a gift to a birthday celebration – unless specifically requested to not bring one I’d never show up to a party without one. My pearls are clutched. That this interaction even happened when she shouldn’t have even had to think about saying anything is the weirdest thing to me.
It’s not weird to expect people to bring a gift to a birthday party but it IS tacky as hell to demand it, so I guess I don’t really disagree that a gentle curbing of entitlement might have been warranted.
That being said, she’s putting probably not an insignificant amount of money into a party where people are likely to have entertainment, alcohol, and catered or otherwise prepared food. I can understand being a little miffed at people who just show up empty handed, because, yeah, it would feel like they didn’t put any thought or effort into it or you, and while not getting a gift isn’t the end of the world it is ALSO tacky as hell to not bring something for the host/ess.
You both suck a little but mostly in the ways you went about it. Her for saying the quiet part out loud and demanding it, but she’s not wrong for her expectations. You for being kind of a holier than thou weirdo about it and taking the low road by not even going in protest over something people should expect to have to do anyway if they’re going to a birthday party (????).