Throwaway for anonimity, also english is not my first language. Me (20f) and my friend (22) have quite a history together. We had a really bad episode in summer 2023 that almost ended our friendship. We didn’t have much of a relationship for the following year, and last year we made up, they asked forgivness for the things they did, explained themselves, and we started rebuilding our friendship. Yesterday night me and my friend had those late night texts, mostly because I have problems with hormones, I’m very emotional and we tried to find some kind of resolution so we won’t fight because of my state. I said that their apology year prior really helped me to feel more secure in my friendship, and they said that they made things up so I wouldn’t be angry anymore, when I asked if they lied, they said that they often made things up back then. I started to freak out, and I do admit I became a bit hysterical (maybe due to hormones) because I felt like I don’t know where the true is, what they lied about, and if they lied about important topics for me, I felt betrayed. I didn’t call them names but I sent a lot of messages describing how I felt. I said that I’m gonna ask some questions, because I felt the need to know the truth. They told me to go f myself with my questions. We argued some more, they were angry at me for thinking that they lied, I was angry at them for lashing at me. I don’t blame them for making things up, they were in a really bad mental state back there, I know it, I just now wanted to know the truth about some things so I could move foward and trust them. Then they admitted, that they "did not make things up, they just chose the words poorly, and they made one or two things up because they were lost". At this point I was pretty mad and hurt that all this argument was because of "poor choice of words", I asked them why they didn’t correct themselves at the start, and they said my reaction caught them off guard. They were too pretty hysterical at this point so they started making jokes and laughing at me, which made me feel even worse.
I cried a lot, and honestly I don’t know what to do. They apologised in the way "I’m sorry for using the wrong words" and "Sorry, I won’t say how I feel anymore", which just makes it worse. The problem is, this isn’t the first time of something like this happening. It is a pretty often occurrence when they say one thing, we start talking of arguing over this, in the middle they say "i didn’t mean it like that, It was a poor choice of words, do you really think I would do/think something like that?" and in the end I feel stupid and crazy. Maybe I am just stupid, I really don’t know anymore
I don’t want to lose my friend, they are a good person, I love them very much, but I really don’t know what to do. What should I do? AITA for freaking out because my friend said they made a lot of thing up about our past? What do I even do with that pattern of them saying one thing and then the opposite?
ESH. Your intensity seems to be at an 11. Tone it down a little and have a calm, collected conversation without screaming and hysterics.
Thank you
I try, and I am trying right now, but I don’t see it getting anywhere. I feel like in the future they will just say another hurtful thing and explain it as a poor choice of words, and I really need to find a way to avoid it, because I don’t want to fight anymore
If thats how you feel then I’m not sure this person is worthy of all the effort and attention? That said, until some resolution is reached, you can only control and regulate yourself.
I will do so. Last days have been hell and I’m not in the right place mentally, I really do need to take time and regulate myself
Thank you
NTA. You care about this person and listen to the words they say, then they basically tell you the words they say don’t really mean anything, they just say whatever. I have dealt with this as well, it is almost like other people don’t listen when they’re being talked to, so it doesn’t occur to them we might listen when they’re talking and actually pay attention to what they’re saying. And we might want the words they’re saying to actually mean something, not just be a bunch of crap spewing out their mouths, and somehow that makes us “difficult”.
Thank you, I really do feel difficult or crazy because of that. They do have a problem with expressing their thoughts and I’m trying to be understanding of that, but I don’t appreciate how almost every time they get angry at me for “not understanding them”
I’m trying to communicate with them that but I can’t be sure if they will listen
Take a deep breath.
This does not sound like a real friendship to me. Frankly, this sounds like a hot mess.
You say you “love them very much”, and “they are a good person”, and you “don’t want to lose” them. However, the reality of your words suggests that you love the person YOU THINK THEY ARE, but that is NOT WHO THEY REALLY ARE. You two have a history of fighting, and now you know you also have a history of lying. That is not the way friendships go. They are not your friend. Break it off.
Then, when you have shed that external problem, work on your internal problem(s). Hormone imbalance and emotional regulation are both things you can work on and improve. Talk to doctors and mental professionals. Once you feel more centered and in control, you will be in a better mental and physical place.
Good luck.