My older sibling moved in with my spouse and I last year because they were in a temporary situation that did not allow them any private space and they cannot afford a place of their own. I helped them get a job near me, opened my home to them, and provided support they otherwise did not have.
Due to their debt, they cannot afford a place on their own so I helped them create a budget and plan for them to pay off enough debt so they can eventually get their own place. I am charging them under $200/mo, and that, at times, doesn’t cover the increase we have in utilities and food with them staying. I have spent literal hours combing through their finances to help them (they voluntarily gave me the info). I have found out recently that despite creating a budget that included extra spending money each month that they have not been paying all of their bills, putting them behind even more. I also found out they applied for another loan to consolidate their debt. They have a low credit score so ANY credit hit will hinder them. The new loan was a higher interest than some of the debt they wanted to consolidate. I pointed out the new monthly payment would be more than if they just paid the bills separately. Thankfully I talked them out of it.
They have a vicious cycle of consolidating and getting new loans to pay off other loans. No accountability, just pushing it off further down the road. They are now behind on their car payment for the 3rd time since they bought it less than a year ago. This car loan has negative equity carried over from the last two vehicles on it so they are already paying significantly more than what the car was worth brand new. Our parents have gave them a significant amount of money last year that was instantly spent, yet the debt is still there.
The point of them moving in was so they had stability, their own space/bedroom, support, and could make improvement on their debt. I do not believe they are deliberately taking advantage of me, but it is incredibly frustrating to be asked for help, provide the help, and then they still continue to make poor choices that set them back even farther.
Is it an overstep to request proof they are paying their bills each month? At their current rate they will not be able to move out for the next couple years at minimum, this was supposed to be temporary. They downplayed their situation and led me to believe they would be here 6-9months. If I evict them, they will have no where to go and would need to quit their job to move in with our parents. I was initially going to save the “rent” they were paying and give it back as a surprise when they left to help with a down payment but I have been having to use that money to cover the increase expense of them living here.
I’m drained, frustrated, and it is impacting my relationship with my spouse.
No, it would not be an asshole move. You are going out of your way to accomodate for this immature person who, btw, does not respect you in any way shape or form. If they can’t make sure they pay their bills and instead are actively leeching on you, they need to be kicked out and learn the hard way. They are, as you said yourself, currently postponing and dogging their own grave. It is 100% their own fault they are in this mess, and if they can’t respect you for trying to help then they have made their bed.
NTA
You can help only so long until you burn yourself out and have resentment towards them
Also you just mentioned yourself and your spouse… If you have kids trust me it is effecting them.
YTA. Smart idea but I wouldn’t. If eviction is your only weapon, you don’t want it to appear that you’ve intertwined yourself anymore than you already have. You met with them, gave them a plan, hold them to the plan. If 9 months is your max, give notice and put that in writing. If its 6, thats fine. Don’t make this more messy.
NTA but it sounds like you’re fighting a losing battle. I tried to help a family member in a similar way and it ended up costing me. It got to the point where they werent making any progress and I was losing money because of them. Part of me felt bad because some things weren’t their fault (example being their catalytic converter was stolen off their car) but it was just always something. If you want to keep playing accountant for them then that’s one thing but I’d tell them they got 60 days to move out.
YWNBTA, but there’s also a point where assistance becomes enabling. How much of your own life do you need to blow up before you let them face the consequences of their choices? That’s entirely up to you, of course, but it doesn’t sound like your help is helping them, yet it’s harming you. I’m not sure how that’s a best-case scenario for anyone but the companies collecting on all this debt.
NTA. I would even push it a step further and ask sibling to provide proof they signed up for a financial literacy class at the library or something. Sibling needs to be the active participant in their own finances and you can offer support/advice. You’re doing a lot more than you should. I hope you get a bit of relief and they take more responsibility.
NTA, but you need to lay it out for them.
You are subsidizing them – offering them a place to live and taking a hit on your privacy and living space, for less than the actual cost of utilities and groceries. It would be fair to lay that out, and tell them going forward you will need them to cover your actual cost increase.
Then you need to point out that you are subsidizing them for a purpose – to allow them to budget, pay off debt, and get their own place within 9 months. To do that, they need to pay bills. Going forward, you need proof they are paying their bills so that they’ll be able to keep their side of the bargain.
If those aren’t OK, they can move out. Find a room with someone else or move back with parents.
No, you’re not the asshole.
Show all that to your parents ahead of time, and give your brother an ultimatum. Show what you’re requesting, or pack his stuff and leave.
It’s not on you. You’ve given him a detailed plan, a roof over his head, AND you were willing to save the already absurdly row rent as a nest egg for him, yet he’s still not able to keep to payments.
NTA From what I’ve seen, this is usually how this works out, unfortunately. They may have all the good intentions in the world when you go over finances together, but their mindset about money has not actually shifted. So they just repeat the same behaviors from the past.
They’ve put you in the position of wanting to see receipts because they lied to you. Very reasonable to get proof that they are doing what they said.
They have somewhere else to go, the parents, so that’s not “nowhere”. And they can get other jobs (not sure why they’d lose their current ones if they have to move in the parents). They’ve overstayed their welcome, lied to you and broken their agreement. Time for them to get out.
NTA but get this situation under control before it gets worse. And make sure you lock down your own credit. They could apply for cards in your name. They sound like they’d be okay dragging you down with them.
**I do not believe they are deliberately taking advantage of me,**
You’re NTA, but I’m curious why you would say this. If they’re lying to hide the truth, this is your proof it’s deliberate.
**They would need to quit their job to move in with our parents.**
Why is this a bad thing? Your parents have been enabling them to keep making bad choices when they keep giving them money, so to me, this makes perfect sense. If nothing else it makes more sense than you having to act as their personal accountant.
tl;dr – your sib needs to grow up quickly ,but everyone is getting in their way.
NTA but stop. You are not responsible for their lack of financial responsibility. They are not changing their ways so helping them is only enabling them. Kick them out.
This is not your problem to solve, OP. Your sibling is an adult who makes bad decisions. They need to feel the consequences of those decisions in order to change course.
You mean well, and you obviously care a lot, but you are enabling them and it is impacting your own financial security.
Tell your sibling they have 6 more months of support from you (give them a date) at the current rate, then they need to sort out their own shit somewhere else. Suggest they talk to a financial advisor – they need someone who can look at this independently and give advice that doesn’t have emotion and love entwined in it.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
I have a similar situation but it’s different. I bought a house. Sibling was going to move into the basement temporarily. They were supposed to have a job. They sent all their stuff here then moved three weeks later. Lost their job at the same time. Then proceeded to not have a job for nearly two years. I’ve had to *beg and plead* with them to pay their rent and part of the utilities every month. And they’ve treated me like I am some outrageous asshole the entire time. Also they have been incredibly entitled to like… Everything. I could write a whole book. And we are talking about someone in their late 30s. Oh and for a while my parents have been paying their rent with me.
I told them they needed to move out. They are supposed to be out this week.
Here is the thing… IT CAN NOT BE YOUR PROBLEM what they do next. It just can’t. They have to grow up. And you can’t coddle them. It just enables it. I’m sure they will struggle, but they’ll figure it out. But you can’t bend yourself out of shape to help someone who is perfectly content making you absorb the consequences of their mistakes. NTA