I’ve never posted before but I’d like some outside opinions because I’m starting to feel like the a-hole.
I’m 20 and 29 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend is 22. We’re living with my mum until we can find our own place. Growing up, my mum never protected me from her boyfriends and I experienced different kinds of abuse from them. The only time she seemed to draw a line was if they cheated. When she meets someone new she kind of goes into a “fairy land,” ignores how they treat me and often distances herself from family.
I am genuinely grateful she has let us stay and she has said many times we can stay as long as we need, even after the baby is born, and that she would help me a lot postpartum. But this changed after she met her current boyfriend three months ago. Now she says she’ll be moving to his house once the baby is here and won’t be able to help much.
I met him last week for about 10 minutes. In that short time he insulted me and my boyfriend (who wasn’t there) at least eight times. He also showed me a naked photo of Pamela Anderson he plans to hang in his house, which made me really uncomfortable. Not long after he arrived, they went to bed, even though I’d said my boyfriend would be home soon. It felt like he was avoiding meeting him.
Afterward I told my mum how uncomfortable I felt and that I didn’t like the insults. She shut the conversation down and defended him, like she always has with past partners.
A few days later he liked a selfie of mine on Instagram but ignored a photo of me with my boyfriend. He also sends me random updates. It made me uneasy, so I told my mum. Again she refused to talk about it and dismissed my feelings.
My boyfriend then tried to follow him so he could message saying, “Talking behind my back pissed me off, but liking my girlfriend’s selfie crossed the line.” Instead of accepting, the guy blocked me.
My boyfriend messaged my mum to explain how uncomfortable this is making me. She responded by creating a group chat saying we were disrespectful and controlling. All we did was explain how his behaviour made us feel.
Seeing my boyfriend’s reaction has made me realise how little she protected me before, and that it’s still happening. The atmosphere in the house is now very negative and I don’t want that energy around me when I give birth.
Nta
NTA. Giving birth is one of the most personal things a person can do. You will be vulnerable and stressed. You need support and people whom you trust entirely. I hope you can move out soon. <3 You and your family deserve to feel safe.
Creepy! NTA
NTA. You’re not overreacting, your instincts are protecting you and your baby. Your mom’s pattern of prioritizing her partners over your comfort and safety is repeating itself, and it’s completely valid that you feel uneasy. Her boyfriend’s behavior is inappropriate and boundary violating, from the insults to the selfie to showing you that photo. You tried to communicate calmly, and instead of listening, your mom chose to defend him and twist it into you being “disrespectful.”
You’re not being controlling, you’re setting boundaries after a lifetime of having them ignored. If possible, start planning an exit strategy now, whether that means staying temporarily with your boyfriend’s family, a friend, or looking into housing assistance programs for expectant mothers. You deserve peace, safety, and support during pregnancy, not anxiety in your own home.
NTA. I would wager some of your misgivings is part of you wants to do it to kinda get her to see the error of her ways, and thats just not something that should be considered.
Do what you need for you, not to correct her.
I have a great relationship with my daughters. If they don’t want me a part of their birth plan I am totally fine with it. It’s their life!
You need to move out and create a life that does not involve her.
Presumably, the 20 and 22 year old soon-to-be-parents can’t afford their own place. I’m sure that will change once the baby comes along.
We can afford it, we are just waiting to hear back from different housing associations that we have applied for
Yeah, this sounds like a great time and place to have a baby.
NTA- If you have a supportive partner who can be there, there is no reason to have anyone else there. You aren’t going to want a bunch of people there, even if you have some time between when you are admitted and when it is time to deliver, you should enjoy that quiet time. L&D nurses are the best bouncers in the world, they will keep anyone out that you tell them to.
NTA
First and foremost: It literally does not matter what your reasons are, you are allowed to bar any and everyone from the delivery room if you so choose. Period. Giving birth is a scary and vulnerable event, if you don’t want someone there then they should not be there.
Speaking as a former medic, an old but good rule of thumb with patient comfort is: If if makes/keeps the patient calm and comfortable, and it’s not hurting anything, you let the patient have it. Literally the first thing I was ever taught is that my patients being calm will make my job exponentially easier.
As to everything else in your post: Whenever it is financially/otherwise safe to do so, y’all should get out when you can. Save your money as much as possible, move to a cheaper area (if you can), and get away. You do not want to be raising a kid around this kind of stuff, as you clearly are aware from your own experiences. I’m glad you have a boyfriend who is willing to stand up for you, but I would be very careful. Do you have a plan if mom’s boyfriend shows up to your mom’s house and starts acting like he’s in charge/the man of the house? Build a safety net, save money, and get far far away.
First thing, make all of your social media private so moms creepy boyfriends can’t see it. Then, you and your BF need to make a plan of where to live. You don’t need to keep being exposed to your moms bad decisions and your baby really doesn’t need to be exposed to it. NTA, but look into work from home customer service jobs to save on daycare and boyfriend needs a job that will help support you. Call 211 and ask about social services for your area.
NTA, but that’s not the point I want to make.
20s is when most people start realizing exactly how twisted things were growing up. Sounds like you’re in for a ride. Once that door opens, and you see your whole upbringing through a different lens, that door cannot be closed and it is a PROCESS. Memories will start reading completely differently than they once did. It’s needed, and it’s part of healing, and it really, really fucking sucks.
Godspeed.