Context: I (25NB) have a (soon to be former) friend I met online a few years ago through TTPRG servers on Discord (41M). No, this isn’t a "Discord kitten" situation. We’ll call him Jerry.
Jerry has a college degree but works in food service because of a weed conviction in Tennessee. While we were friends online, we didn’t really have any chance to hang out offline due to distance.
\~2 years ago, I got the chance to move to the DFW area in Texas after a promotion at work. Around the same time, Jerry lost his housing and was having trouble finding a job in Tennessee, so I offered to have him move with me to Texas "until \[he\] gets back on his feet."
Current Situation: After the past almost 2 years, Jerry has made hardly any progress, and I learned quickly that I should never have offered to have him move in with me. Even with us splitting the rent 80/20 (my job pays a decent amount since I work 45-55 hours a week while he’s stuck with part-time at minimum wage), he’s had several times where he’s late or missed rent. The living room is always a mess with his "projects" that he tries to sell from 3D printing or other crafts (to his credit, some do sell for small amounts, but some also just end up as clutter). He’s now gone through 2-3 entry-level jobs and is once again job hunting, but his old car is messed up and he’s stuck walking everywhere.
The worst part is the fact he ***cannot clean up after himself.*** His desk area in the living room is unswept and looks filthy. He constantly forgets to clean dishes unless I direct him to clean them or he randomly feels guilty. He rarely sweeps or mops. He has to have a friend over to even make a half-assed attempt at organizing the crafting shit in the living room.
If it wasn’t obvious, I want out of this situation. I make enough money to where I can take care of myself – but the problem is that he *doesn’t.* Even if he got a job paying above minimum wage tomorrow at the ass crack of dawn, I doubt he’d be able to take care of himself. He used to be my friend, and even if all of the little frustrations have just ruined any friendship I had towards him, I don’t want him to end up homeless.
However, ***I*** deserve a home that isn’t constantly dirty, cluttered, or filled with random shit for "crafting ideas." No more mayo jars or coffee ground containers left in the sink to clean out and keep, no more greasy plastic bowls, no more dust and hair and constant embarrassment that keeps me from having a living space that I’d be proud of.
So yeah, WIBTA if I moved at the end of the lease in a few months without him, even if that meant he’d probably end up couch surfing or homeless again?
YWNBTA roomie sounds like he’s got some neurodivergence to work through which affects how he interacts with his environment and it’s able to initiate and prioritize tasks.
He needs assessment and structure to his environment, but that isn’t your obligation to provide him. You might be able to point him in some directions for additional assistance and knowing the right language to start that research into what that structure should be.
NTA – if you tell him ahead of time so he can make other plans, whatever they are.
You are NOT responsible for them.
Why not swim by yourself instead of sinking with this dead weight?
Just give him enough notice, like a month, so that he can go find places. Just because someone doesn’t have a plan yet doesn’t make them homeless. Adults can and will fend for themselves, even in challenging circumstances
NTA
NTA. You’ve housed him for two years, you’ve done more than most. He’s almost old enough to be your dad, he can figure things out on his own. If you are feeling generous, buy him a one way ticket back to Tennessee or a state of his choice.
NTA, but I would tell him now and give him a couple months notice, don’t be an AH and drop it at the last minute.
this the poor you are the hard it is to find a cheap place to live…
NTA. Tell Jerry that you are not renewing the lease, its expiration date, and that you’ll be moving alone. Memorialize this in text or email and give him the state mandated amount of notice. If you think he’ll be retaliatory, lock up your stuff before you tell him. It’s been a good two years’ run for him. It’s time. It’s BEEN time.
NTA. You’re not responsible for a 41 year old man.
I bet someone will say “he’s neurodivergent give him a pass” but don’t. You’re not his mom, not his maid, and not his caretaker. Move and gtfo of there.
Also – don’t move in with strangers you meet on discord. Lots of sketchy people there.
NTA at ALL. This 41 yo man has been relying on a human that could be the age of his child to support 80% of his weight. Not to mention the mental load and unpaid labor of cleaning up after him. Jerry is an adult who can find alternative housing. Roomies move out and on all the time. You are only responsible for you. Time to go.
NTA, but tell him now, so he can save or get a second job look for a room to rent a a new roommate situation.
NTA! Even if you still considered him a friend, you don’t owe him anything. Let him know in advance that you’re moving and that you’re downsizing (this doesn’t have to be true), so unfortunately he will need to look for alternative living arrangements. Because as I see it, if you hadn’t moved to DFW, he would’ve been in the same predicament. Good luck!