Prior to this I (20F) had already offered multiple times to plan valentine’s day because he’s (24M) not that big on national holidays or big romantic gestures.
Come monday (6 days before valentine’s day), he calls me saying his boss gave him two tickets for this saturday’s game (he had been also offered a bonus but for a smaller amount than the tickets). He’d forgotten about valentine’s day completely and when I mentioned it to him, he couldn’t understand why I was upset and it turned into a huge fight.
for context in my 20 years of living I’ve not once expressed even the slightest interest in football. Due to his current financial state, I didn’t expect much but I expected him to at least know me. am I the asshole?
Does Valentine’s Day have to be a whole day thing? Can he take you on a romantic dinner?
NTA.
Sorry, he “isn’t big on national holidays or romantic gestures” is one of the oldest cop-outs in the book, and even if that was something you both agreed upon, it would be pretty hard to but the idea he forgot considering it’s so culturally relevant.
Yeah, not “being into holidays or romantic gestures” is nothing but a way to set an expectation of minimal or zero effort. He doesn’t want to be big on them because he doesn’t want to put any emotional or mental effort into the relationship. And getting mad about trips me out a bit. Nothing in this post tells me that the boyfriend likes OP much, if at all.
NTA, OP, but I have to ask, is he always setting the bar on the ground and digging a hole to bury it in?
Since op mentioned she offered multiple times to plan something herself and he kind of refused, it suggests it is important to her even if he doesn’t see it that way so he still TA for clearly dismissing something that’s important to his partner. If he didn’t want to go out he could have asked her to plan something at home but he dismissed her outright and only thought of himself.
I think the more important question is, “why did he not apologize for his mistake and try to understand your point of view?”
It seems to me that you may want to consider how often he dismisses your perspective and whether that is acceptable to you.
Can you just make Valentine’s plans for a different day? Honestly, Valentine’s Day is an awful day to go out (crowded, limited menus, often overpriced). Or do something meaningful to both of you on Saturday (in addition to the game), even if it’s visiting a place you both love together, brunch at your favorite place or making a special meal together?
sure that would be a fine compromise if he had suggested it in the first place, but the real issue is he didn’t make it a priority to begin with
NTA. Assuming you made it clear that this day means something to you and he took the tickets over the bonus, deciding that’s how you’d spend your valentine’s day without asking you first. Then I understand the disappointment and frustration. You don’t feel heard or seen. It’s also not hard to understand why you’re upset, so not understanding shows a lack of emotional intelligence imo.
However, I also can’t relate. I don’t particularly care about football either, but I’m a truly a “anything so long as we’re together is a great time” kind of wife. Restaurants and the like will be crowded. You’re in love every day of the year (hopefully). Go to the game and have a great time Saturday, have a date night Sunday or even next week when it calms down. If I were you, I would have told him with a grin that fine, we’ll go to the game. But you owe me a proper valentines date with some romance another night and all the snacks and drinks I want at the game. Life’s easier and happier when you’re both easygoing and flexible
NAH
It’s a classic case of mismatch in values.
He’s not flush with money, loves footy, and got offered free tickets & probably was excited about that. He’s not into Valentines day. He is being dense and a bit selfish but if he genuinely doesn’t “get” the holiday he’s not doing it to spite you.
On the other hand, your frustration is fair enough too. He could have taken cash and gone out for a more traditional “romantic” dinner & you’re annoyed he’s ignored your interests/desires.
Devils advocate, though, how is you expecting him to do Valentines Day when that isn’t something he enjoys/values any better than what he is doing?
You’re looking at the day with two very different lenses.
So, you’re mad that he didn’t think about the fact that you’re not interested in football…but you know he isn’t interested in Valentine’s Day and you still expect him to participate. Yes, YTA. You’re acting like he went out and bought you something you hated, but….his boss giving him tickets is not actually something that’s within his control.
Also, it depends on the situation, but there are times when bosses “offering” tickets to events like this is not really optional, and attending them gives him face time with his boss and co-workers in a casual environment while not attending reflects poorly on him. Not logical, reasonable people could disagree on whether it *should* be that way, but sometimes it *is* that way. The tickets might be less of a generous gift and more of a “hey, the team is going to this, you can bring somebody if you want.”
NTA… but we always ALWAYS celebrate Valentine’s Day on either the 13th or the 15th. Or even earlier or later if it’s close to a weekend.
Since the actual calendar date really means nothing, it’s soooo much easier than fighting for a restaurant reservation, dealing with crowds, cranky maitre D’s, frantic valets…
Been doing this for years.
I do not like v-day. I worked with a young girl who loved it and told me about how it is so wonderful and you love everybody, blah blah, whatever. To which I replied, “You’re supposed to love every day.”
Not that i am a huge fan of people but a special day where they can guilt you into “spend, spend, and spend” (and feel bad if you don’t have an “orher” in your life) they do enough of that on the other holidays.
He picked the option that was the better value. The tickets were worth more and something enjoyable that might be outside of his current budget. You don’t have to have a demonstrated interest in something to have fun doing it with it your significant other. The point is doing something new together. You can combine that activity with a more traditional valentines one to make a nice day of it. Your reaction seems kinda high maintenance. It’s an opportunity to share time with someone you love doing a new activity.
Now I hate football, and most sports, but I love the experience of a fan zone. I love dressing in team colors, snacking on stadium foods, getting a few drinks, chanting with your section, doing “the wave”, the excitement and camaraderie with hundreds of other people when your team scores. It’s a whole vibe. It seems like your BF at least likes football and wants to share something he likes with you.
ETA: YTA, he was trying to give you a new experience. You can’t look a gift horse in the mouth. You both could always plan other super traditional valentine’s day things before or afterwards so everyone gets what they want.