My some friends and I were out one night at a local dive bar where indoor smoking is allowed. We were having a good time, drinking beer, smoking, and just sitting and talking.
At some point, someone from a university group chat messaged asking if anyone was out. It wasn’t a planned group thing, just one person checking (very normal within the group). We replied that we were at this dive bar. They asked if they could join, and we said yes.
About 10–15 minutes later, they messaged again asking if we were still at the same bar. We said we were. They then asked if we wanted to move to a different bar because they don’t smoke.
For some background: when we usually go out with people from uni, we almost always go to non-smoking bars, which is fine with me, I’ll just step outside when I want a cigarette. The issue for me and my friends is that many of those bars play music so loudly that it’s hard to talk, and we mostly enjoy just sitting and chatting when we go out. That night, we were enjoying the quieter dive bar and didn’t feel like moving.
So we replied that we didn’t really want to change bars, but that they were still welcome to join us. The tone of the conversation changed after that, and they replied something like, “Wow, so you don’t want to hang out with me?” We were kinda dumbfounded. We told them it wasn’t about that at all, they were welcome, but we just didn’t want to move bars. They then said we were being assholes for not being willing to accommodate them, since they don’t smoke and didn’t want to smell like smoke for a week afterward. I understand that concern, knowing how my own clothes smell after the bar, even if I think “smelling like smoke for a week” is an exaggeration.
We replied that we often go to non-smoking bars with uni friends, but this time we just wanted to stay where we were. Their last message said they thought we were better friends than this and that we were being inconsiderate.
So… AITA (or are we) for not wanting to change bars?
NTA but “smelling like smoke for a week” is abso-fucking-lutely NOT an exaggeration.
Smoking dulls your sense of smell. This is proven. You, as a smoker, will ALWAYS smell like a moldy ashtray for several days after your last puff. If you smoke more than once a week, the smell is permanent and consistent.
Always.
Yes, even when you check and can swear that you’ve gotten rid of the smell.
Yup. I once helped my SIL move out of her apartment (which allowed smoking). I opened her closet to start packing her clothes, and I was almost knocked backwards by the stench of stale cigarettes.
I’m nonsmoker but before the smoking in pub was banned in pubs in my country I’d often experience smoking pubs – and what you say is an absolute bs – I never smelled after taking a shower and washing my clothes.
Are you suggesting that normal people don’t wash themselves and their clothes?
A non-smoker who spends a couple of hours in a smoking environment will not smell like smoke after they take a proper shower, wash their hair, and launder their clothes. The smell might linger on a jacket, purse, or hat that doesn’t get laundered; but you can make the choice not to bring those items into the bar.
NTA. They asked what you were up to and if they could join, and you told them. From there, it’s up to them if your activity interests them or not.
But uh, yeah, “smelling like smoke for a week” is *not* an exaggeration after an evening in a place that allows indoor smoking. Smokers are often nose-blind to it, but the odor gets into everything and is *very* hard to get out of clothing and hair. An evening in an enclosed space where people are smoking cigarettes sounds like hell to me too, so I get their disappointment even if you were under no obligation to change your plans.
>“Wow, so you don’t want to hang out with me?”
Nope, not with that attitude.
You were all comfortable at that bar, and having a good time. This random person (you didn’t even have their name listed) wanted the group to re-locate just for them. How selfish!
NTA
NTA. I wouldn’t want to join you at a smoking bar either, but there’s no reason you should have left the place you were at.
NTA you were already out where you wanted to be. Your friend asked to join, expecting you all to change location just for them when they weren’t even there is too much. They either join you where you are or don’t.
That said, I couldn’t be in an area that allowed smoking myself, so I would have opted not to join.
If she had been included on the plans from the beginning, it would be one thing, but she was adding herself into your already-in-progress plans. She doesn’t get to change those. NTA
NTA,
I had pneumonia twice growing up. I can’t be around people smoking. I literally can’t breathe. 🫠
That being said, I also know that most of society caters to people like me who can’t be around smoking, or people who just don’t want to be around smoking.
I can’t remember the last time I was in any establishment that allowed smoking, lol.
You and your friends are allowed to have one night at a place you prefer every once in awhile. And it’s okay if some people end up being left out.
It’s unfair to expect you never to go to a certain establishment just because it doesn’t mean the needs of one or two people.
The manipulation tactic of “wow, you don’t want to hang out with me?” when you literally said come on over shows exactly what kind of person this friend is. The entitlement of expecting a group of people to change everything for their single wishes drives the point home. NTA.
NTA. You don’t invite yourself somewhere then start making demands.
I’m sorry I just can’t help but ask where is there a bar in this day and age where smoking is allowed inside. I remember a day when this was the opposite situation so often, smokers would be like I am not going here because I can’t smoke. Anyway, NTA, the person who does not smoke joined an in progress hang out. Either don’t come or come, it is so entitled to think that “you don’t want to hang with them” when the truth is that person is being demanding you literally change bars, sorry but one night does not mean you don’t want to hang out with her. It is one night and she was late to the party.
“Can I join you?”
“Sure, we’re here”
“I don’t want to join you”
“Ok”
“You’re bad friends”
Yeah NTA. Though I don’t blame them for not wanting to hang out in a cloud of smoke, and they are not exaggerating the persistent bad smell, as a smoker you’ve just gone nose-blind to it.