I37M have been married to my wife34 for 6 years. We’re expecting our second child (first girl though.) My wife and I have been going back and forth on baby names but one name she really liked was my deceased sister. When I was 4, I had a sister who was a little over a year who died in a car accident that left my father disabled. I don’t really remember much of it but I remember the hit it took on my mother and father and the years after. Also to my wife it wasn’t even about honoring my sister it was just a plus, she just really liked the name.
We were discussing it with my mother and my mother had asked her nicely please do not name her that. My wife was upset and said well I really like the name. I took my mothers side because it was traumatic for her and I would never want to put that pressure on my daughter as well. When we got home my wife was furious and said we’re suppose to be deciding baby names not my mom and I, and how we could name her whatever we wanted it wasn’t up to anyone else.
I defended my mother still and we got into a big argument. She basically told me I should go sleep at my moms then, I ended up sleeping on the couch. We are still arguing a bit about it.
Add: I didn’t bring my mother into this. We were at my mothers house and my wife and mother were discussing the baby.
NTA. Your wife needs to sit down and understand she genuinely can’t do that and that it’s not as nice as she thinks it is. Not even the thought is okay of she knows how traumatic it is for your family. She can pick a different name, I’d hate to be told that I was named after a dead relative that died horribly
I was ready to support the wife on this, but naming a baby after someone’s tragically dead sister without them wanting you to? That’s gross. NTA.
Same! I was fully prepared based on the headline to rip the OP a new one, but then I read the context and it’s “Oh. Oh, no. Wife, you back down on this one. That’s unforgivable and deeply unkind.”
I figured it was going to end in a Tragedeigh but this is way worse. How you gonna make grandma say her dead daughters name every time she sees this little girl and not realize how that’s fucked up?
Same. I read the title and was fully ready with my Y T A, but after reading it I totally agree. His wife needs to respect his family’s feelings in this matter. [Edited to space out letters per helpful suggestion from kind stranger! Thank you Kittymemesallday!]
NTA, this is not a typical case of some gatekeeping a name for a nonsense reason. There is realized trauma for you and your mother around that name. Baby names should be a two yes/ one no situation. Your wife is being unreasonable and kind of showing her ass.
Taking your mother’s side and simply agreeing with your mother can be two different things.
You are NTA…your wife is only thinking of herself and what she wants, not you. She doesn’t have to think of her MIL but she should be thinking of you.
It would be one thing if she intended to honor the memory of your sister but, as you’ve said, that’s a side benefit to what she wants. And that’s just gross.
The error you made was framing this as “taking your mom’s side” and “defending your mother”.
Names are a two yes, one no decision – meaning if either of you vetoes a name you don’t use that name. All you had to say was “no, I am not ok with that name”. Bringing your mother into it makes it seem like it isn’t your decision, but your mom’s – and of course it’s not your mom’s decision.
NAH – you’re not an AH here but this was a mis-step.
That’s incredibly insensitive and self-centred. You’re NTA. Your wife’s attitude is very concerning.
I was ready to read you the riot act. But yeah, NTA.
But for your sake, stop talking about it as siding with your mom. YOU don’t want to name your daughter after your sister. Full stop.
I think this is a really helpful way of thinking about, OP! YOU do not want to use the name because it will cause pain for your mother, father, and YOU (and honestly probably everyone else in your family who was around at the time??).
Naming a child is a shared parental choice but both parents have to respect that fact that their child will be a person who lives in the world. By living in a society, we accept social norms and expectations. Doing something that would be intentionally hurtful to a family member “just because I like it” is selfish and unacceptable. It would be reasonable for your parents to decide to no longer be in your lives if you two decide to use your late sister’s name. Once again, it is entirely reasonable for YOU to not want to name your child that name.
What’s wrong with your wife? Clearly the name is associated with familial trauma why would she even want a daughter with a name that’s so heavily attached to heartache. She needs some sense and reasoning brought to her. What the fuck
Clearly NTA
NTA, but you’re an idiot. The point isn’t really that it’s not what your mom wants. The point is that it’s not what you want.
Your mistake was framing this as “taking your mother’s side.” Why didn’t YOU speak up when your wife first suggested the name?
The actual issue at hand is that *you* don’t want to name your daughter after your late sister, and of course NTA for that.
But I do think you should be owning that opinion on your own and not hiding behind your mother to have to ask your wife this in the first place.