I (38f) am married to my husband (38m), and we have shared finances since well before our marriage began. However, through the years, I’ve noticed that he’s gone from being frugal to comfortable spending. This wouldn’t be an issue except he keeps not working when he said he will, which means I have to work more.
We recently did our taxes and the amount we are getting back is sizeable. We really need to handle a few things, and I’m worried that it will be burned through instead of improving our financial situation.
I lied about the amount, the timing, and the fact that we already got it. I am trying to protect our financial future and we have been in the hole for years because of these issues, even when I explain how tight we are. it’s like he only sees the money coming in and doesn’t understand that it depletes as he spends.
Am I the asshole for not disclosing our financial realities to get us out of this hole?
Soft YTA. You’re just kicking the problem down the road by doing this. You two need to talk together or with a therapist to get on the same page financially.
If you need to set up tighter financial controls, you need to have that conversation up front.
Lying about money makes YTA – and it’s highly unlikely to end well.
YTA. Lying to your *spouse* about anything save a surprise (or if you are being abused) is never, ever, *ever* the okay way to handle a situation. Period. End of story. Full stop.
I don’t understand how these supposedly 30 + year old people are getting into marriages and then refusing to communicate with their supposed life partners who they claim to love.
It’s understandable but YTA.
Lying in a relationship, especially about something so important, is a massive red flag. If/when he finds out, he’s going to be understandably angry.
Your finances are shared which means they’re as much his to burn through as they are yours to share. You need to sit down and have a grown-up conversation about your financial goals but you have to accept that his opinion may not match yours. If this is a problem, then you need to look at whether complete sharing works in your situation, especially if you are the one bringing in the majority of the money.
ESH. Your husband sucks for the obvious reasons, you suck for being unwilling to address it honestly.
ESH only because you lied and for staying married to him. Your marriage is broken. He doesn’t work but spends money like he does causing you to work more. He obviously doesn’t love or care about you if he keeps doing it. I really hope you don’t have kids with him. It’ll only get worse and you’ll be the only one raising them while he takes no responsibility
Sorry, but YTA for lying. It’s a short term fix. All it does is kick the problem further down the road.
Your real solution is to separate. That means either get rid of your husband, or separate your finances. Either choice would be traumatic, but needed.
You can’t afford to keep being a sugar mama while he spends your money freely.
If you’re at the point where you have to hide money from him, then you either get into counseling, or contact a divorce attorney!
You’re not solving anything and it likely points to a much bigger issue in the marriage.
NTA for this one instance if it’s about getting a hold of that money and paying bills with it, etc.
HOWEVER – this is not a solution. You both need to sit down and discuss finances. Open up a spreadsheet showing income vs spending and what your goals are. He sounds like he needs to see it in front of him to recognize he is hurting your JOINT finances.
Financial issues are in the top three causes of divorce. If you can’t agree on how to manage this, then you have to accept that you are a slave to his spending and your financial future will just ‘be what it is’ or you get him to agree to boundaries. (Create a bill-paying account and a separate ‘spending money’ account and he should not acces the saving/bill paying account at all) He very well may admit the problem is his and he NEEDS boundaries (if he is a see it-spend it person)
ESH.
1. You shouldn’t have to lie to your husband in order to protect your finances.
2. He shouldn’t be freely spending…especially when he’s not working.
This whole situation is yuck. You’re going to have to sit him down for a “Come to Jesus” meeting because the way you’re handling things will definitely blow up on you sooner or later.
He has to be on board with financial discissions AND he *has to be fiscally responsible* too.
Everyone here is saying YTA but not me. I learned to hide 10 grand because I was left with nothing when I left my ex. He was abusive.
I’m with my current husband going on 30 years and I keep what I call my divorce fund hidden from him and always will. I will never allow myself to be in that kind of position ever again at any age. Do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe and some hidden security.
You always see girls saying they have no way to escape. Don’t become one of them
I hate having to say YTA for this because it seems reasonable to believe your husband would make dumb choices, but still.
If you’re not able to discuss financial goals and spending openly, you have a *big* relationship problem that will only fester for as long as that’s the case. Lying about your money will help right up until he checks the bank accounts and realizes what you did.
This needs addressed in serious ways immediately. Financial issues, much like this, are the #1 cited reason for divorce.
Comfortable spending doesnt make a hole. Thats called overspending.
ESH
It’s time to separate your money so you can show him how little he is contributing and how much he is spending. You are treating him like a child though, hiding his mistakes from him and hoping he’ll do better next time. He’s an adult, he should be contributing substantially to he household income, especially when he’s happy to spend as he wants.