So my (20f) friend (20f) has not been doing well lately. I won’t dive into too much detail because of privacy reasons, but she’s having both mental health and physical health related issues.
In my opinion I have been very understanding to her; texting her to see how she’s doing, offering help in case she needs it, and also being very understanding whenever she cancels our plans because she doesn’t have the energy for it. However, it has come to a point where the last time I saw her was over a month ago, and the last time we actually hung out together has been even longer. This honestly is fine with me, I want to give her the space she needs so she can get better.
The main issue I have is that I constantly see her stories on social media, where she posts about hanging out with other friends very regularly. (With that I mean she posts these stories 3 or 4 days a week)
Now we finally planned to hang out together upcoming Sunday. But last night she texted me that she was already very tired this week and wasn’t sure if she could make it. From her message I get the feeling she feels very guilty about it, so I offered an alternative that would be less tiring. (like just watching a movie or talking to catch up for an hour or so just so we can see each other again.) But I also told her if she didn’t want to we could always reschedule. However, I just saw her post a story that she is once again hanging out with other friends. And to be honest it is really making me upset. Why does she have the energy to be with them but not me?
So, would I be the AH if I got angry at her about this behaviour? I don’t want her to feel bad about it or feel forced to hang out with me, but this all just feels so unfair…
Instead of being angry, why not *talk to her about it*?
NTA either way; you feel how you feel, and if your feelings are hurt, your feelings are hurt.
YWNBTA. She’s treating you differently than other friends, you’re within your rights to get angry. But consider that she might be overrepresenting what she’s doing with others as a coping mechanism for how bad she feels? It seems like the kind of thing you could just talk to her about, rather than getting angry with her. Just tell her it feels bad that she seems to prioritize other friends over you.
She definitely might be over representing yes, I have thought about that too. But that doesn’t change the fact she’s still hanging out with them but not me. Anyways, I’m kind of afraid I’ll just guilt trip her into saying yes if I do talk to her
NTA unfortunately you’re getting a hard taste of reality. She does not value your relationship in the same way that you do. It’s painful. I doubt that anything will change if you confront her about it, but it might be worth having a candid conversation about your relationship as a whole.
NTA at this point You don’t need to be rude to have this discussion. Tell her this. Ask her why she can prioritize others and not you. It might be hard but she might not value the friendship like you do and you may need to walk away and prioritize others who respect you.
Info :
Does she ever make the plans with you or are you always the one trying to make plans?
Well lately it’s been pretty much her canceling and proposing a new date instead, but before that we planned the next thing whenever we hung out if that makes sense
Why does she have energy for them and not you? Easy. You’re not her friend.
Rather than confronting her you should just move on and do things with someone actually care about you.
NTA, but honestly don’t waste your time. She’s not your friend and she doesn’t want to be your friend.
It’s a bitter lesson to learn, but i went through a similar thing when I was 20.
You’re better off putting your energy somewhere else.
I’m not saying you should burn the bridge or even confront her (those types will just turn it back on you). Just stop reaching out and stop trying to make plans with her.
She is definitely deprioritizing you, and that sucks. I can think a range of different reasons for that though, and I think that it might be worth investigating what is actually happening for her.
On one side, she may just not be as into your friendship as you are. It is possible that when she does the math, she realizes that she only has energy for X number of visits, and you are X + 1. That is a shitty scenario, but it is better to know than not to.
The other side of the continuum is that she sees you as someone she can rely on. She may feel that her other friends won’t understand how sick she is feeling, but you will. She may also feel that others will split if she doesn’t hang with them but that you are too mutually important to each other for that to happen.
Either way it sucks for you.
Confront is not the word or tone I’d go for here, but I think a heartfelt conversation where you point out how you are feeling, and ask her to talk about where she is would be completely appropriate. The key is to cite your evidence without coming off as accusatory. Whatever is going on, it is only fair that you know where her priorities are. Good luck and keep us posted if you decide to talk with her.
YWNBTA
“Because of privacy reasons”…. Duh! Thats why you post on here. We don’t know you or this person. No need to worry about their privacy.
Fair, but it’s still not my business to throw her personal stuff out here.
NTA, but you might try just stepping back.
It sounds as though she’s using her mental and physical health issues as an excuse to cancel plans with you, but she’s down for whatever with other people. Now that’s not necessarily something to take too personally; it could be that for whatever reason, she finds hanging with you “high maintenance” but the other friends energize her. It would be good if she would level with you if that’s the case, but she may not be mature enough for that. On the other hand, she could be making plans with you and then ditching you when something “better” comes along. You could be her “back up friend”.
The bottom line is, for whatever reason, she doesn’t value time with you the way you value time with her.
“Like” all her stories of hanging out with other friends so she gets the message you see that she’s not too drained to socialize with others, and then just step back. Don’t reach out to her. If she says “I miss you, let’s do something” tell her “OK, you plan it and let me know” Then leave it to her.
But don’t hold your breath.
NTA. Just face it, you’re not a priority to her and it’s fine, people move from friends to acquaintances sometimes