My friend, who I’ll call Elle (18F), and I (17F) go to the same high school. She’s been at our school since kindergarten, but she doesn’t have many close friends besides me. I transferred in 9th grade and made an effort to put myself out there, especially through marching band, so I’ve built friendships in several different groups.
Elle, however, limits herself socially to hang out with certain groups, calling band/theater kids "weird", popular kids "fake", and sports kids "cocky". Because of this, I’ve become one of her only social connections. Shes also very dependent on me, she wont walk into practice, get lunch, or even get water by herself. She’ll wait in her car until I arrive and follows me everywhere, making it hard for me to have friendships or time that dont include her.
Some of her behavior also comes across as passive-aggressive or inconsiderate. At lunch one day, she wanted to sit in a specific spot and kept whispering at me to move even after I explained I couldn’t. When she didn’t get her way, she made a backhanded comment about her seat. Another time, she took my seat while I was gone and asked if we could "share a chair" when I came back. When I said no, she still didn’t want to move, and my friend and I ended up awkwardly squeezed together while Elle sat between us, making my only free time during the day uncomfortable.
There’s also another girl, Lennox, who used to be close with us. Over the summer she distanced herself and clearly doesn’t want to hang out anymore. Despite this, Elle keeps chasing her. Recently, Elle asked me multiple times to go with her to talk to Lennox, even after I said no, and then stormed off when I wouldn’t go.
All of this has been building up, and I feel emotionally drained. Elle isn’t a bad person, but her codependence is affecting me, and I feel like I can’t breathe socially. I want to set boundaries and regain some independence, but I’m afraid of hurting her or seeming like I’m abandoning her.
So AITA for wanting to set boundaries and take space, even if it makes her feel abandoned?
EDIT: grammar
NTA – If she’s come to a point she doesnt make an effort to socialize and others have distanced themselves then she has only herself to blame. High school is a time to learn about your interests, make new connections and begin to think about whats next you want from life. If she cant accept boundaries or respect your wishes then she will find herself even more alone
Join the band, try out for the school play, and take up a sport and see how she takes it. I would tell you to become popular but that’s doesn’t have as clear of an action plan as the others.
She sounds exhausting. NTA.
What is Elle planning to do once you graduate??? Get married?? Have kids??? Sooner or later she’s going to have to learn how to function on her own. NTA
NTA – IMO you need to talk to a counselor or someone within the school… she is basically harassing people and also put your foot down. Elle needs some sort of therapy.
Her mom is a therapist… her parents agree to everything that she’d ever say even if she’s wrong and never let her handle a problem on her own which is probably why at school, she’s so dependent on me
There’s a saying, “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” You aren’t responsible for Elle’s social life, and you are not her therapist. Talking with your school counselor might be a way to get Elle some help. Maybe you could talk to her parents (or ask your parents to do it) and express your concerns about her social anxiety. Hopefully, she doesn’t force you to end the friendship, but it may come to that.