So we’re best friends since college and she’s the longest friendship I’ve had. I love her, but since recently she’s been focusing so much on getting compliments about her looks. A few days ago she told me she’s gotten a little bit into spirituality. Not my thing, but live and let live. She told me every morning she burns a candle and talks to herself that she’s beautiful and others will compliment her. Since she started doing it, she says everywhere guys start talking to her and girls come up to her telling how cool or beautiful she looks. She loves it, and I understand, but I’m questioning how healthy it is that she’s so focused on it. Also, humbleness is really important to me, so when she starts talking to long about what people said or what happened, I kind of… hate it? I am a mediocre girl and men don’t often come up to me. Girl friends also barely compliment me. I thought I’ve found peace with my looks since I focus on my skills and personality mostly the last year or so. Since she started talking how good she feels when people compliment her and guys want her, I started thinking: am I jealous of her? "
I still like who I am and think it’s most important me and my boyfriend love me, but I wouldn’t be mad if people would compliment me all the time. I question if I am just insecure and I gave up on hyper focusing on my looks and more on my skills and knowledge. Is this an ugly people thing? Am I jealous? Or is it normal that I hate it when she keeps talking about how wanted and beautiful she is?
Thanks a lot!
– a confused best friend
I can see how this situation could make you uncomfortable, especially if you’ve always focused on other aspects of yourself. It’s not about being insecure or ugly; it’s just that you’re used to valuing more than just appearance. It might help to talk to your friend about how you’re feeling. Sometimes friends just don’t realize how their behavior is affecting others, and an honest conversation might clear the air.
YTA. You’re questioning how healthy it is that she is focusing on self love and doing something that boosts her confidence? Also, humbleness is a big thing for you, not her. She is talking about how beautiful she is constantly because she is doing a spiritual ritual and it’s working out well for her, of course she is fascinated by it. If you dislike it so much, sure, you’re allowed to be annoyed by people. But it’s not a her thing, it’s a you thing.
If you want to continue your friendship you could maybe tell her, “hey, I love you and I am so happy for you but I am getting a little insecure talking about this all the time, can we maybe talk about something else?” or something. If not you could just pull away if she is affecting you negatively. Also, it’s unlikely that you’re ugly, people just don’t compliment someone randomly unless something bats their eye specifically.
Agree. It sounds more like you’re frustrated with how she’s putting yourself out there and not about her, personally. It’s ok to feel that way, but it’s also your stuff to work through, not hers.
YTA go to therapy
I don’t think it’s about you being jealous but about you feeling insecure many times we think we got over it but it just isn’t the case. I think you need to resolve that insecurity because the way you described yourself it feels like you don’t think you are pretty which can feel very bad and come off as jealous but you are at a good path by acknowledging it try to meet a counsellor. Until you start projecting it on her NTA.
ETA: soft YTA
I think it’s a pretty natural reaction on your end– it can be annoying when someone only talks about themselves, especially when it’s about something that is honestly quite uninteresting to hear about. but I would definitely look inward on this one. is she being annoying? definitely. is she doing something wrong? no. the fact her confidence makes you insecure is not her doing, and her being beautiful and getting compliments does not take away from your own beauty. compliments are not a finite resource.
the thing about manifestation is that it’s bullshit. and I believe in manifestation. but it’s not just, I say this thing and it happens. you believe something with your whole heart, you focus hard on it with intention, and you subconsciously make it happen. she believes she will be complimented, so she moves through the world with confidence and ‘glamour’ as the spiritual people would call it. people are attracted to that, they notice it, so they compliment her.
you can absolutely bring up to your friend that you’ve been a bit down on your own looks and that her new fixation brings up some insecurities for you, but I personally wouldn’t in your situation. from my perspective, that’s not her problem, it’s yours. and I don’t say that to be mean, I say that to tell you that you have the power to change how you feel, not her. her making herself smaller will not make you bigger, you need to do that. maybe give her mad methods a try yourself. all she’s actually doing is practicing intentional self-acceptance and self-appreciation, even if she’s framing it through some sort of ‘glamour magick’ shtick. sexiness is 1000% a mindset, not a look.
you do say you value humbleness, which I’m not sure is true. you say yourself you’d love to get the treatment she does– that’s okay, dude. you’re allowed to want people to admire you and blow a bit of smoke up your ass, that’s natural. it sounds more like you’ve resigned yourself to feeling unattractive, and to grapple with that you call it being humble. you could be buck-toothed, cross-eyed and bow-legged and be sexy. all it requires is feeling sexy and believing it to be true. there are so many women who might not be model-material in pictures, but who are unbelievably sexy in real life because they *believe it,* they *embody it.* sexy is an energy, it’s a feeling you exude that others pick up on. find it!
Soft YTA just let her do her own things and you work in yourself too maybe you should try that thing she’s doing too maybe it’ll help
Regardless of your looks, regardless of your own insecurities, being around someone so focused on herself and her looks would start to grate on anyone’s nerves.
She may think you’re yucking on her yum, but if you think it’s gone on too long, you might say something like, “I love that you feel so good about yourself these days and are getting lots of compliments. But I don’t know if you’ve noticed how much of the time we’re spending talking about your looks. That’s ok to a point, but we’re good friends and we’ve always had a lot to talk about. I always love spending time with you, so I wanted to be open about how this is affecting our time together.”
If there’s also a jealousy component to how you feel, that’s something you might want to get a handle on, but talking to her directly about the amount of time she spends talking about herself will hopefully reduce how much she does it.
Being jealous doesn’t make you an AH; acting adversely towards others because of it does, though.
Urgh… personal opinion but I would already be eye rolling at a friend getting into some light a candle ask the universe style spirituality but then to also essentially focus all of that onto ‘I’m hot and I want lots of people to tell me I’m hot’ yeeesh. The idea of believing you can curb the universe’s will and steer the behaviour of people in it and then using it to basically just stroke your ego because you like it when people tell you you’re hot.
I get we all want to feel beautiful but I’d struggle to smile and nod along to that too. It may be that you and your friend don’t connect in all the ways you used to. Maybe that’s too harsh. Lots of people can be life long friends with people who have quite different personalities but I think it’s reasonably valid to look for a subtle/soft way to say ok this isn’t really an interesting topic for everybody else.
ESH. You sound like you’re a little jealous, and that’s honestly okay. When we see our friends get things we can’t, it makes us feel a type of way and whoever says otherwise is just trying to be morally correct. The truth of the matter is, jealousy is natural so long as you’re not letting it sabotage the friendship/their achievements.
She sounds like she has discovered something she enjoys and is proud of, and that’s great for her; but she also comes off slightly tone deaf and unaware. At the end of the day, when that’s all you talk about it’s just annoying and comes off as bragging or rubbing it in the others face.
I don’t think either of you are necessarily the AH because I see both sides. But both of you should lighten up.