l am a part of a D&D group with other neurodivergent adults, that play in person every Tuesday. Me and one other girl R both have Echolalia (Echolalia is an involuntary tic) and we both tic frequently at D&D. which was never a problem until now, even with X. X came back to the DnD table after a few months of taking a break from the group. at the beginning of the session R and I were joking around and our Echolalia gets more frequent with elevated emotions. when X arrived and heard us she politely asked us to stop because she was overstimulated from the day. we thought she just wanted a few minutes of quiet until game started. as the night the continued, so did our Echolalia, as it’s involuntary. X snapped at us to stop again, we apologized and said we didn’t realize she wanted us to stop all night and that we can’t control it. I offered to move to the other end of the table and X blew me off.
4 days later X went into our discord server to call us out and accused us of using our disability as an excuse. R and I tried to get X in a private message but X kept going at it in the server. saying that we are horrible for not taking her feelings into account. X sent "I want you to know what pieces of human garbage you are, and want to shame you. i want you banned from every space that I am in."
now 10 days later X is posting on social media that R and I are unsafe people. X also posted that we wont apologize but she has us both blocked everywhere.
NTA for this specific occasion, especially since X went so drastically overboard on Discord.
But…if your group is supposed to be inclusive of *all* neurodivergent folks, what normally happens when multiple peoples’ needs clash? I have a lot of sympathy for X, as someone who is driven wild by auditory overstimulation and grew up with siblings more similar to you and R. X handled this particular night really poorly, but if there’s not a game plan for people who can’t deal with loud repetitive sounds, there probably should be. That game plan might be “this event isn’t great for those people”, in which case I’d consider adding that caveat if you advertise that you’re inclusive of all neurodivergent adults.
We do tell anyone wanting to join that we are a loud group. X didn’t have a problem with it for the year that she was in the group. Idk what changed.
It was likely the reason she left in the first place
But then why rejoin if that’s why she left? Im loud but get triggered by random loudness and if I left a group because of it I wouldn’t rejoin and attack other people?
Have you considered that the situation wasnt so much that she “didn’t have a problem with it” but rather that she was *masking*? Exactly the thing *you* don’t want to or are not able to do? Is it possible that one reason X took that extended hiatus from the group was because the masking and constant overstimulation were getting to her?
I get that masking is uncomfortable and requires constant energy and attention. But as it stands, whenever you have competing access needs, you’re placing all of the responsibility or expending that energy and bearing that discomfort on others, and not shouldering any of that responsibility yourself.
You have identified a factor that increases the frequency and intensity of your tics – heightened emotion. You therefore have at least some ability to control them, via managing your emotional state. If you get excited, you can pause to center yourself, try some box breathing, or even step out of the room for a few moments to bring yourself back to a more neutral emotional state. While the tics are not within your control, you have the ability to monitor and affect a trigger for them. You are choosing not to, because you have decided that your ultimate freedom and comfort is of primary importance.
Your title implies you can mask, but your post implies you can’t. Have you given the impression it’s controllable to others before? NTA, and X sounds extreme, but it might help explain (not excuse) her reaction if there’s confusion on whether or not you can control the tic.
INFO: what sorts of things are you saying when you are ticking?
Also, can you explain how you chose to give a few quiet minutes at the beginning of the game if your tics are involuntary?
That’s what I’m not getting. OP mentioned multiple times that the tics are involuntary but also said they kept quiet for a little bit before the game started. That kinda doesn’t match.
ESH. OP and friend should have continued to put more effort into accommodating X and X should have expressed themselves better on the server after.
INFO: Where on earth is your DM in all of this? As a DM of neurodivergent adults myself, I would NEVER allow an argument between players to get this far. If this were my table all three players would be held back after session to talk this out. I NEVER would’ve allowed this to sit for days, and yelling at you over discord? Instant intervention. We’re talking this out. Posting on social media? Removed from the table.
But also, conflicting access needs this severe are a real thing and something a DM should be keeping in mind. How did this not come up in session zero?
X is an AH, but your DM completely dropped the ball.
nta im autistic and your ticks would drive me CRAZY personally so i get the initial reaction, but the meltdown after is just cruel and unnecessary. it’s on her to manage her reaction to others, she should understand that it’s not on purpose.
I don’t understand any of this. I also have this.
Do you not work on it at all? I let my phrases fly alone in my car or room.
This is a great point. Just because the echolalia is part of your disability doesn’t mean everyone else has to be cool with it. It’s great to be aware of it, but you do need to consider other people’s perspectives re: whether it’s making their experience worse. Having a space where you can “let loose” and completely unmask is essential. And you can gradually build up the time in which you don’t do that verbal stim. There may also be things you can do instead that give you relief. It’s a lot easier to replace a behavior than to extinguish it completely.
ESH
X sucks. End of story.
But you’re also saying that your tics get more frequent with heightened emotions.
So do I. If I am having a particularly bad day, me and the word fritter are best friends. I have been known to scream “fritter” like the world is burning down around me.
Here’s the thing. While echolalia is indeed involuntary, if you know that in certain situations that you’re going to fritter like the world is on fire, you’ve gotta know when to excuse yourself.
How do you cope with this at work? Or in other situations? Use those coping mechanisms at DND as much as you can. If you need to fritter, drink water (what I do), or excuse yourself to have a quick fritter sesh.
Forgive me for asking a clarifying question, but I’m autistic as well, ASD 2, and for me and other autistics I personally know, ecolalia is definitely a stim but it’s not what I would call involuntary. If someone told me they were feeling overstimulated and needed me to take it easy on vocal stims I’d definitely be able to do it. It kinda feels like you guys didn’t want to ease off even for someone else’s comfort for one evening, and while the response was disproportionate, it really sounds like you’re hiding behind the trait and not taking accountability for being insensitive to another neurodivergent person’s needs.
So yeah, masking all the time is bad, but sometimes you gotta do it a little bit if you’re being a bit too much for others around you. It sounds like you should have acknowledged X’s feelings a bit and tried to repair somewhat instead of doubling down on how involuntary your ecolalia is.