My (28 M) boyfriend (let’s call him Alex) and I (28 F) have been together for 2.5 years, we’ve known each other for almost 4. We just bought our first house together in our dream location. We’ve been talking about wanting to move to this specific part of the country ever since we met. We finally got to do so a few months ago.
This is our first house together, and my first property ever. I love the house we live in and love the area even more. For me, this place is very close to what my dream home would be. From what he told me while house hunting, he feels the same.
Alex works a pretty physical job and commutes to work everyday. I work from home full time. His commute takes about an hour to and from work because of traffic. Lately, he’s been telling me how exhausted he is because of his commute. He starts work at 7, so he’s up around 5 in order to get to work on time. He gets home around 4:30 in the evening. He’s been telling me how much this and the physical labour involved in his job has taken a toll on him and often comments about how tired he is because of it. I’ve taken on more tasks at home to try to alleviate his workload and let him relax when he gets home from work. To me this seems fair.
Today, over the phone, he told me he would like to move closer to work to shorten his commute. He said he feels exhausted by his 2 hours of driving every day and believes it’s affecting his health. His suggestion is we rent out the house we just bought and find an apartment to live in closer to the city. He believes this would also be a good financial decision if we can find something cheaper than our mortgage.
At first I wasn’t sure if he was serious. I truly didn’t think he would ever consider moving, even with all his comments about his drive to work. I reacted by basically just shooting down his idea. I told him I would not go back to renting when I finally own a home, especially one that I love. I told him that I love the area we live in and that moving was not an option for me.
We talked about it over text after hanging up and I suggested he see a doctor about his extreme exhaustion since he has complained about being tired for our entire relationship, even when his commute was extremely short. However, he still believes the only solution is moving closer to work.
He said there’s no way for me to understand how draining this is for him since I work from home. He believes I’m being unfair by not even considering the move. He also said his exhaustion is making him sick and affecting his health. He says I’m being an asshole and am selfish for prioritizing my “wants” over his health.
So, AITA for not considering moving?
NAH. I would hate driving 2 hours per day too, and it would make me reconsider my living arrangement. I would also not want to give up my dream home and rent again. I think both sides are valid here, and I hope you find a workable solution, which could be moving, him changing jobs, or you two going your separate ways.
You’ve only been there a few months. Change can be hard. Maybe he’s not dealing with it so well? There are other options for him – get a new job that doesn’t involve the commute.
I don’t think he’s being fair by not considering any other options (ie, getting a new job or seeing a doctor to begin with) and saying you need to move out of the home you just bought. But also, you could have gone about it better instead of shooting it down completely – he might be having a harder time than you think and he could probably use your support here.
So for those reasons I’d say a very very light ESH or NAH
Edit: paragraph spacing and spelling
Can you afford the home on your own? Because refusing to take his health issues seriously might cause you to need to be able to if you don’t want to move.
It’s fine if you don’t want to move but maybe consider taking your partner’s concern seriously and supporting him in finding different work rather than focus only on what you want?
Also your partner’s commute should be factored in to his workload when it comes to chores.
Chores should be split such that you both have an equal amount of of leisure time. Which means that if there are 3 hours of chores to do each day, you do 2.5 and he does 0.5.
It’s worth noting, a long commute is really taxing, and imo it’s worse if it’s in traffic. If you’re humming along on a highway at 70 mph it’s not so bad, but sitting in traffic is stressful and mentally taxing. A long commute correlates with a whole number of adverse health outcomes, higher rates of divorce, etc.
I wouldn’t want to move if I were OP, but at the very least you should really consider his concerns and explore other options. I used to have a long commute, and making it by train was so much better for my mental health. It took maybe an extra 10 mins, but I got to the office so much less stressed.
Nta. Sounds like there is more to it. He should have checked the commute before choosing an area to live? That is a huge investment. I’m going to sound like an AH for saying this. But he needs to suck it up, there’s people with longer commutes.
ESH It’s odd that you guys didn’t consider his distance from work, when purchasing the house. No one enjoys a 10 hour commute every week, that’s for sure. At the same time, you just bought the house and it makes no sense to rent it.
However, this may end up being a dealbreaker for him, because it sounds like you may have wanted the house more than he did. And he just went along with it, but now regrets it.
We were both very excited about this place when we visited, he’s actually the one who found the listing and showed it to me. I don’t think he realized how much time traffic would add to his commute when we bought the place though. His job isn’t extremely far, it’s really only traffic that makes it so bad.
NTA. The fact that he has complained about exhaustion even when his commute was much shorter tells you that moving closer to his job will not solve this for him. An hour commute each way is pretty rough though. He really should have considered that before buying the house in the first place. He should check into if there’s anything he can do healthwise to help with the exhaustion. It could be making a change to his diet, doing something to improve his sleep, etc. But ultimately it may be that he needs to make some changes to his work life to bring balance back into his life. This is not something you can fix for him, and wanting to rent out your new house is unreasonable.
NTA.
Buying a house is a very big decision that can’t be taken lightly. You both agreed to the house and honestly, he should have done his research. I remember when I was looking for a house, I would gps the time it took from the house we were touring, to work, during rush hour (Google maps lets you do that).
Also, if he’s been complaining about being tired before the move, he should medically get checked out. I feel like he’ll still be complaining if you do move closer.
My son commuted an hour each way for his construction job for almost 3 years. It was absolutely exhausting. A couple times he almost fell asleep on the drive home. Plus the miles and extreme wear and tear on his vehicle. It was awful. He really didn’t have much choice back then since he was an apprentice, but now that he’s a journeyman he will never commute that far again.
NAH. But your position seems to lack empathy, and is unfairly rigid. We just rented our house out and lived at a place closer to work early in our marriage. It improved our lives exponentially. Now we have 2 properties with family/friends occupying and we left the state entirely. My garden will be there when we get back. We are showing our kids the world one contract at a time. Any commute over 30 mins is just a horrible way to spend your life. It’s inhumane imo, we both did it at one point of another, it’s awful. If you wfh, the question is do you want to stay married? For us, the marriage always comes before the individual. No one is sacrificing because the goal above all is to see each other happy, healthy and well shagged. I could not set this boundary. If my spouse is unhappy and a solution exists, I am going to strive for it every time. I hope all is well with his health and wish you both the best of luck.
Two hours per day is a long commute. It’s essentially a whole other workday (10+ hours per week). His request is not unreasonable. However, that is a consideration that should have been factored into choosing a house to purchase.
The fact that you so easily dismiss is as “he’s just tired” is concerning. You seem to consider him an accessory to your life rather than an equal partner.
NAH
NTA. He needs to see a doctor. And he should have considered this before accepting the house. Unless the house suddenly moved location between buying it and moving in this was a pretty obvious thing.
But the main thing is that moving won’t help the situation. He needs a blood test and a sleep study.
Where I’m from it’s extremely normal to travel 1 hour each way. 18 years ago I’d read a book on public transit, then later I’d burn cds to listen to and then it changed to podcasts.
INFO: How did he not know what his commute would be before you deicded to buy the house? How far was his commute before you moved? I totally apprecaite your side of things, If I just bought a house, i would not want to move and least of all rent it out and move an hour away, only to have to deal with renters, who, unless you find perfect renters will more than likely make your lives hell. Imagine what his commute will be like when he has to drive an hour AFTER work to deal with renter issues. Unless you’re going to pay a management compnay to handle it all, but then that mostlikely drains any potential cost differential benefit you’d get from charging a higher rent than your mortgage, so that that rental income pays for the mortgage and you find a place cheaper than your mortgage.