My partner has 5 kids from a previous relationship. We do a one week on / one week off schedule.
Recently, it feels like we’ve had the kids almost every weekend due to various adjustments. A few weeks ago, his ex messaged saying she’ll be going overseas for two weeks. The second week overlaps into her scheduled week by about 5 days.
In the past, he would usually just agree to these changes without discussing them with me. This time, he asked for my input, which I genuinely appreciated because it does affect our household and daily life.
I suggested that we keep the kids for the two weeks she’s away, and then she keeps them for two weeks when she gets back so things stay balanced. After that, we’d return to the normal schedule.
She reacted by saying he was being difficult. She wants to keep them one extra night of our week before she leaves and says she can’t do two weeks straight when she returns because she already booked a weekend away, which happens to fall on our weekend anyway.
Now it’s turned into a bigger conflict, and I’m being portrayed as the one causing drama or not wanting the kids around.
For context: 5 kids is a lot. Two are teenage boys. The grocery bill doubles. The cleaning increases. We bring in extra help. All of them have extracurriculars, and although I work from home, my afternoons during kid weeks are consumed with school runs and activities.
I do all the cooking, grocery shopping, school lunches, homework supervision, attend extra activities, and most of the cleaning. I also manage the gardener and cleaner to make sure the house runs smoothly. I’m the one ensuring the home remains stable and organised during those weeks.
I don’t resent the kids. What frustrates me is the pattern of schedule changes that seem to default to us absorbing the extra time without discussion or reciprocity. When adjustments are needed, I don’t mind helping, but I feel like it should go both ways.
I also feel that if we don’t set clear, consistent boundaries now, this will continue long-term. I don’t want conflict, I want fairness and predictability.
So AITA for suggesting we keep things balanced instead of just automatically agreeing?
NTA at all. It’s only a conflict because you two are not automatically bending to her random schedule adjustments. However, your partner needs to continue being firm, not throw you under the bus to avoid the heat, and not be afraid to bring these issues to family court. In addition, he needs to do more to lessen the burden on you.
Why are you doing all the extra work when the kids are there? I bet you wouldn’t mind as much (and your SO would mind more) if he was the one doing the extra work.
NTA but aside from the schedule, their dad should be stepping up and doing at least 50% of the extra work. Also teach the teenagers to pull their weight- they can be responsible for all school lunches & cleaning the kitchen after dinner.
Info: Why doesn’t your partner take on the majority of care for his FIVE children??
The greater problem is you are doing all the work, so obviously your partner easily volunteers taking them since he’s not managing the household.
This, when they are with you make sure to let your partner know he needs to take on the majority of the work to look after his own children. Then find ways to be busy, preferably out of the house, so he has no choice but to take on the work he should have been doing in the first place. I’m sure you’ll find he is more amenable to sticking to the 50/50 schedule when it’s his time being take up.
And tell those teenage boys to help, too, as well as the dad.
OP should start NACHO parenting hard.
She should step aside and let hubby parent HIS kids without her input or help. Let him take the afternoon off from work to drive HIS kids to their extra-curriculars. Let him grocery shop and pay for all the increased bills. Let him cook and clean after his kids.
I bet he’ll start saying no to his ex once he has to do all the parenting alone.
But as long as OP is doing all the work, he and his ex will just keep taking advantage of her. So she needs to remove herself, her labor and her finances from the equation.
Question: Did he marry OP because he genuinely loved her? Or did he just want someone to parent his kids for him?
Edited.
YTA to yourself for being the primary parent when your partner has custody. If he can’t manage 50/50 custody he should have them less and pay more child support.
How did you get dragooned into being the primary caregiver for his FIVE kids during his custody time, and why is he agreeing to all the changes?
Because the bangnanny lets him.
Seriously how does she not see that the problem is the deadbeat man? It’s right there…
OMG. It looks like OP is the unpaid housemaid and caretaker for the children in all of this.
Honestly, really confused why you’re doing all the cooking, shopping, homework, extra shit, and cleaning.
Why isn’t your husband doing that?
How did he manage before you moved in with him?
Leaning ESH since it should be obvious that things cost more with 5 kids, but you should be prepared when living with a parent for their child to always be around. But the extra work of them being there should mostly fall to him.
What the….? WHY are you doing all of this? Where is your husband for HIS children??? The homework alone…
Idc how ok you are doing this, if you aren’t setting boundaries in your marriage with your bonus children, how do you expect to handle his ex? And look here: YOU are the one causing “drama”.
Let this one slide but the rules GOING FORWARD need to be as-is. Set your rules. If he doesn’t like it, he can do ALL that alone when he had his kids. If she doesn’t like it, she can get a nanny.