For context me (23y/o f, friend 23y/o f). I’ve had this friend for almost 10 years now. 5 years ago, I moved two hours away. (Context, we still texted everyday, when I went home we hang out often, our friendship didn’t seem to change) She still lives with her parents, and my parents live 30 minutes from them. For the past three years, I have asked her to come visit me in my own home. Every single time I have asked, I am met with an excuse. “My mom says it’s going to rain, and she doesn’t want me to drive in the rain.” “It’s my parents anniversary this weekend and I can’t.” “My lease is over miles on my car.” I’ve given her different options like the train, or even to go and pick her up and take her to my house, and drop her off at her parents house. But it’s normally always something with her parents + some other excuses. Last fall I was about to go through a heart surgery due to my heart defect, I asked her to visit me before, she said yes! But then cancelled on me day before bc her mom suddenly said no. She told me that as soon as December rolls around, she wouldn’t be under their rule anymore, because she would be graduated. She would visit me then. It’s now February. I asked her again to visit me for my university graduation, and she again gave me a plethora of excuses “my car is over miles, I can’t do train bc my parents think it’s unsafe”. I, at this point am very upset with her. But now she’s trying to shut down the conversation, telling me she refuses to argue with me when it’s getting nowhere.
My issue is, is that I have driven down from my home to visit her many times. When I stay at my parents house, I drive that 30 minute difference to see her all the time. And when her and her parents lived an hour away, I still drove and visited her, using up all of my gas, and my miles. Everything. She’s now angry at me that I’m arguing with her, and I’m just genuinely upset and confused. Also bc some ppl were commenting, she’s always contacting me first (I do too I’m not saying I don’t), double texts when I forget to reply, and inviting me to stuff at her own house. If I don’t text her for a few days, she will definitely text ask how things been. She just always makes excuses when I ask her to come see me instead of me seeing her. Am I the asshole for pushing her to visit me??
NTA. Not much of a friend.
NTA but the friendship as you knew it is over. One sided relationships don’t last.
This sort of thing happens often when people move away. Normally these are a N A H but she sucks for not reciprocating at all, as well as the plethora of excuses that don’t make sense for an adult.
Let it go.
This is one of this situations where you might be carrying the friendship single handedly. Which is a nice way of saying that you may have drifted apart and you just have not caught up to that reality. If you are the one always initiating contact, try not doing contacting her for a period of several months. If she never contacts you, you have your answer.
If you two have drifted apart, don’t despair. You will find new friends and over the next few decades you may find that you drift back into each other’s lives again. It happens.
NTA but it’s not worth it to be upset. Just accept your friend will not go to you and decide if you want to keep up the friendship by putting the effort in to see them.
NTA. You might be her friend, but she’s not yours.
She sounds like she might have emotional problems, perhaps social anxiety, and uses her parents as a cover.
Give each of you a break. Stop trying to get her to visit. And you should stop visiting her to see what happens.
If she hasn’t reached out to arrange a visit where she makes the effort, even meeting halfway between your parents and her house, then give up on her.
Maybe contact her in five years and see if she’s still at home, avoiding driving in the rain.
All relationships are investments and those investments should have returns. You are investing a lot of time into something that is giving you no positive returns. If you ghosted her, how long would it be before she came to see what was going on? If the answer is never, then you don’t really have a friend.
NTA some friendships just come to an end, I moved away from my hometown years ago to go to uni and then met my partner and had a family, I also don’t drive so naturally I didn’t see my childhood friends anymore, life just happens and you drift apart from people and start new friendships, if its always you making the effort then maybe just stop and concentrate on the people that make the effort with you or make new friends in your area if you haven’t already x
You have unrealistic expectations of this friendship. She is making it very clear but, you are refusing to move on with your life. As people grow and age, friendships change and are seldom the same as they were during adolescence. That is not to say you are losing a friend, it is that you should be accepting of these changes in age and life. Being a long time friend does not mean that the friendship will remain the same as it has always been, it just means that both parties have accepted the changes in the friendship and have evolved with them.
NTA but, you need to re-access the friendship and make adjustments to you expectations and participate at whatever level you feel like but, not expect it to be 100% reciprocal.
definitely NTA
i’ve experienced smth similar and believe me its not worth the effort.
i see how hard it might be to end such a long-lasting friendship, but you gotta let it go. if she really wanted to hang out with you nothing could’ve prevented her from doing so.
NTA.
However, you’re the only one truly invested in this relationship. She talks big but doesn’t follow up. You may have outgrown her, so just stop communicating with her. Tell her you’ve been there for her and made the effort, but she hasn’t done the same, so you’re pulling back.
She probably will then get all upset and try to say it’s not her fault, but that’s BS and you know it. You’ve made all the accommodations, and she’s coasted. Take the time you’ve been spending on her and find a new friend(s) who would be willing to at least meet you halfway.
Find out if something is going on with her.
NTA
You need to stop. Stop going to visit her. Stop asking her to visit you. Stop contacting her. Let. Her. Go.
She’s clearly not interested in doing anything to uphold this “friendship”.