hi everyone! somewhat of a throwaway, but my partner doesnt use reddit anyways
tldr: i never told my partner i grew up the weird kind of mormon and i refused to take them to go see my sick mother who had to be forcibly hospitalized because i didnt want to see her at all.
i (19f) and my partner (22nb) have been dating for a few months now, i moved to NYC last year to go to uni after growing up in a heavily mormon community back in BC. our relationship is really steady, ive met their parents and we’ve been living together since the second month of us dating but ive never really spoken to them about my family nor have i taken them to meet my parents.
i dont really like talking about how i grew up, i don’t think my childhood was normal in any sense of the word and i no longer have contact with my family back in canada. my mother (39f) was incredibly controlling and cruel towards me and my sisters (18f, 14f). i remember throughout my childhood, alot of women came and went through my house, and my father often had my cousins or aunts staying with us. i cut them off as soon as i moved to new york, and i havent heard from them since.
until late november of this year, at least. i was on the way home from work when i ended up getting a call from an BC number, i thought initially it was just some kind of spam call, or some kind of wrong number situation. it ends up being my sister, for the sake of this story is named, amelia calling to tell me that mom is in the hospital and it’s really bad. my mother is one of those mormons who believes in faith healing and refused to believe in any sort of modern medicine growing up.
apparently, she’s been diagnosed with pancreatitis and it’s only getting worse because of how long she went without treatment for it. amelia’s begging me to come home, i don’t know how she found my phone number or who she got it from, so instead of speaking to her i just hang up. i go home that night to my partner, and my partner can tell when something is wrong with me, but i dont talk about it at all for that night.
a week goes by, and after a really hard day at work i end up cracking and telling my partner everything about my mother having pancreatitis. they offer to help get us plane tickets to go back to BC, but i refuse firmly. my partner gets confused and i refuse to elaborate, i just tell them that we’re not going to see her, and especially not during the holidays. this ends up escalating into an argument over me never talking about my family to them, and how they feel like ive been really secretive about a lot of things in my life, im just not comfortable with talking about my home life, but i didnt communicate that well enough.
obviously its been a while now since december, but things between us are still really tense and kind of awkward when it comes to my family. so, aita for blowing up on my partner and refusing to take them to go see her in the hospital?
Not fully the YTA but you do need to sit your partner down and explain why you don’t want to see your mother. They don’t understand and with the way you refuse to communicate, this is going to become an even bigger issue. You don’t have to go in any great detail, merely the broad strokes.
NTA for not going to the hospital, YTA for not giving your partner some basic context to explain that you’re NC with family because of religious trauma. It’s not like you even have to give as much detail as you did in this post to your partner.
yes your TA they had no idea why you blew up. you have to tell them so they understand at least. tell them the bad part in short, then say that is all you’re willing to say at this time. take small steps.
You are not really the asshole here but your partner was trying to help and you need to say something or it will likely damage the relationship with the confusion and hurt.
You don’t have to elaborate a lot, but it would help the situation if you could even say something short, like that you have trauma from your family and upbringing, you are no contact with them for a reason, your sister broke the no contact and you’re not happy about it, and you are not in a place where you feel ready to talk about it yet. Up to you whether you say it’s also religious trauma or not, but that would probably also be helpful, as that can affect a lot of things in your life going forward, (and religious trauma and family trauma are unfortunately common in queer people’s upbringings).
It would help your partner to have enough ‘big picture’ information and be able to support you without taking it personally.
This is a tough one. You clearly carry a lot of trauma and your partner is inadvertently dealing with it, even if you won’t talk about it, it’s clearly affecting you and them. You need to get some therapy and start unpacking and working through this. It’s only natural that your partner wants to know about your life, they’re only getting a part of you and they’re feeling shut out, whether it’s your intention or not, it indicates that you don’t trust them and that’s going to colour everything between you two. Maybe you could tell them that there’s trauma involved and you’re not ready to talk about it yet…?
I also feel for your sister, it hardly seems like any of this was her fault.
Y just a little bit of the TA because your partner and sister have copped the behaviour that was your mother’s fault. I definitely feel for you too. It’s sounds like a horrible upbringing.
This one is truly hard. I get it. I watched my best friend from when we were 13 years old walk away from her family beginning at 18 and fully in our 30s.
It was beyond crazy and fucked up what she went through.
But. Your partner cannot be a true partner without your past.
Just tell him you were a part of the Mormon cult and cannot return to your home *for your own safety* nor can you mentally talk about it at this time.
Hopefully you’re in therapy and have found a therapist who is familiar with people getting out of that cult.
Gently YTA it’s not easy. Ever. We’re 56 now and she’s still dealing with the trauma from our childhood.
YTAH. You live with your partner, and consider your relationship as serious, but you can’t share how you grew up?! That is really immature and would be a red flag for most people. You need to come clean and share with your partner.
I can’t say that I empathise with your childhood since mine was so very different from yours. I’m sorry it was so traumatic and hope you heal, perhaps with some therapy.
Try talking to your partner again and share a little more of your background and explain why you don’t want to go.
You’re NTAH for refusing to take them, but you need to explain what’s going on. You’re already living with your partner, and personally, I feel should both know one another much better.
NAH
As someone who cut contact with my mother, I can tell you people who have “normal” childhoods will not understand. My mother died a few weeks ago and I feel nothing. Literally nothing. But I have been no contact longer than you have and it took me YEARS to tell my partner the truth of my upbringing. I suggest sitting down with your partner and telling them that you are firm in your decision not to speak to your family and when you are able to talk about it, you will. You probably need therapy, lots and lots of therapy. You may actually never feel safe talking about your life. If your partner can’t handle that you may need to move on. And it’s also worth noting that until we heal, we often seek out relationships that mirror the way we grew up and people who want to treat us the way our parent/ family did, will seek us out. So you may believe this relationship is happy but unless you really look at how your two communicate and the dynamic between you, you may just be repeating patters (making decisions for you, getting angry when you don’t reveal everything, pushing for more information than you are willing to give). You need healing and a partner who is patient and understanding.
Gently YTA show your partner this post and kindly say it’ll take you some time to share the details of your past but you’ll try for them. I hope you’re getting some professional help through this, best of luck and tons of love!
NTA, but Honey you’re going to have to be honest with them about your past. You don’t have a real relationship without honesty and being willing to be vulnerable with them. It’s just what adults do to maintain their relationships. Please don’t be afraid.
YTA for moving in with someone after two months but not telling them this and refusing to discuss it.