I’m part of a church community where members are generally very close. We often organise bring and share gatherings at each other’s homes and have activities during the week, so it’s quite an involved environment.
One of the women there (I’ll call her M) is part of the regional leadership team and helps oversee members and activities in our area. She can be very kind and helpful, but she also has a history of being a bit overbearing at times.
For context, my SIL recently had a baby and M is aware of this.
Because the baby is still very young, we usually alternate sundays: one week my brother goes to church with his wife while my mom and I stay home with the baby, and the next week my mom and I go while they stay home.
Yesterday, M texted me “good evening, how are you? I haven’t seen you for 3 sundays at church so I wanted to check on you. Is everything okay?”
Earlier that same day, she had called my mom three or four times, probably to check on us. My mom hadn’t been able to answer because she was busy, but I also feel like this was a bit much. If someone didn’t reply after the first call, just let them get back to you.
Anyway, what bothered me is that I have been going to church. Just last week alone I went five times as there was a youth event on saturday, regular service on sunday, and a special two-day event on tuesday and wednesday, which I also attended.
Also, on one of the sundays she’s referring to, I went to another branch within the same church network in our country instead of our usual location. So I wasn’t absent from church, just not at that specific branch…
I took her message as crossing a boundary. It felt like because she personally didn’t see me, she assumed I hadn’t been attending at all. I don’t feel like I need to report to anyone about whether I’m going to church. It came across as if I had to justify myself.
So, I replied “good evening M, I’m very well thank you, as well as the family, I hope you are too. Don’t worry, just because you don’t see me doesn’t mean I’m not coming to church. Have a good week”
She then sent me a voice message saying I misunderstood her, that she was only reaching out because she cares about me like a daughter and was concerned.
I reacted to her message with a heart but didn’t respond further. I think she was expecting me to explain myself by telling her why I wasn’t there or to reassure her that I had actually been going, even though she hadn’t seen me.
But I’m wondering if I misread her intentions and if my response sounded harsher than I meant it to. Part of me still feels like her original message was a bit accusatory, especially mentioning 3 sundays, which made it feel like she was keeping track.
AITA for responding the way I did?
You haven’t seen me at church ever. NTA
NTA she sounds like a busybody. Your church business is nobody’s business but yours (and maybe your God’s.)
“Thanks, took that long for Jesus to finally raise me from the dead finally”
NAH sounds like she may have been genuinely concerned but you’re perfectly within your right to set boundaries if you think someone is prying too much or being overbearing.
church is a scam.
NAH. You’re NTA for interpreting her message as being judgey or her being a busy body, I can see how it might come off that way. But if she likes you and cares about you, didn’t see you for three weeks, and is used to seeing you every week, she may have just been genuinely concerned for your wellbeing.
My philosophy is to try not to assume the intent of others’ words or actions, or, even better, default to assuming the best of their intentions (within reason, of course). Then let them go out of their way to prove you wrong lol.
So, for example, you could reply with, “It’s very sweet of you to check in on me, I feel blessed to know I have a community looking out for me. I’m doing well…” then share as much or as little about your recent goings on as you wish.
You didn’t really share how close you two are, but assuming you’re friendly and usually talk when you see each other at church, I dont think she’s necessarily TAH either for expressing concern.
I would respond with, I just want to check on you. Are you doing OK? You claimed to have not seen me at church but I’ve been there. Is everything OK with your eyesight?
She may have been concerned, but she was also being nosy.
Once she got your message telling her that all was well, she should have left it at that, but she wanted to know the details.
NTA. Your reply was very civil and to the point.
NTAH
NAH in the sense that it sounds like a genuine misunderstanding.
In the context of a church where everyone is close, reaching out when someone’s who is usually around has been absent to make sure they don’t need additional support from the community is pretty expected.
I can also see how someone could interpret it as a judgement about not attending or an attempt to shame you for not participating in the community, and being defensive in that context is perfectly natural.
NTA. Cults gotta cult.
NTA: and, I’m going to put some stuff in this that you probably don’t want to hear, but I feel that it needs to be asked.
Why is M so concerned about you PERSONAL attendance, in any way, shape or form?
Last I checked, church attendance was pretty much down to the conscience of the individual church-goer.
And this was ON TOP of your being their FIVE TIMES in a single week?!!?
Here’s the hard part- this doesn’t sound like a church, it sounds like a cult.
The only people I know who go to church 5x a week are old Polish or Italian widows who’ve lost their entire families.
And you’re getting hounded with phone calls on top of the 5x attendance??????
“Part of the leadership team” is very vague as well.
NTA.
You don’t have to justify yourself to her or to us, and you were much nicer than I would have been. I would have gone “Not that it’s any of your business, but I have been attending. Please stop calling so many times”.
NTA
Sounds like the church gossip was cross that she was missing out on some juicy details. You didn’t misunderstand anything, she was fishing for reasons so she could tell everyone why you weren’t there. You have a great response, next time just say “I didn’t aee you either”.