The context is that I (M26) used to be like a co parent for my little brother (M13) for most of my teenage life until I moved out. From getting up at 5 am to prepare him to school, teaching him after work, solely cleaning the house most of the time and cooking for the family. Basically the usual oldest sibling responsibility and I’ve burnt out with juggling work, personal (if there was any) and home all by myself.
However, now I have managed to move out and got my own apartment. Now since rent is expensive I decided to do a live in situation with my gf to share and half the bills. Additionally, I’ve started new work that requires me to drive an hour and a half one way. Aside from struggling from the daily drive, Im also struggling with the new work scope and responsibilities that requires some overtime to meet deadlines.
Recently, my mom has reached out saying that she wants me to take my brother on a weekly basis so she can get some rest and destress. Now im hesitant to commit to a weekly since im already tired through the week of travelling but also I honestly dont have the energy or capacity to be a co parent again.
In order to kind of meet halfway, I called my Mom to let her know that perhaps I could take him from her for a couple of hours on Fridays if I’m not too busy. Initially, she agreed on the phone; however, I get a text message later on saying that it cant be a couple of hours as she needs one whole day to destress and spend time with my Dad. She also implied that if I can take care of "others" (im assuming its my gf) then a weekly visit from my brother shouldnt be an issue.
One more thing I’m really afraid of happening is because i said yes to this itll somehow get bigger and bigger request in the future. Until it slowly becomes the same environment that i tried to get away from.
Now the question that I have is would it be considered disrespectful and ungrateful if I said i cant commit to a weekly day with my brother considering my past situation?
NTA, and this is not just “the usual oldest sibling responsibility”. This was parentification.
I was the oldest I never did any of that for my siblings, also my parents always fed us all and paid for me go to college, also my child is 10 and he needs me to feed him but that is about it, he also helps cook to learn, he does his laundry and puts it away, helps vacuum and mop. A kid that age does not need babysitting a kid that age can be alone and a mom with a kid that age does not need a break.
A mom does need a break. But that’s on the other parent to provide. If they want to spend time together, and don’t trust the kid alone, they can get a babysitter.
But both parents should be doing it. Teaching the kid some basic skills, as you stated
NTA.
They are two adults. They can take turns so the other can destress. You are not his father and you didn’t decided to get pregnant and have him.
Explain to your mom what adultification abuse is.
>perhaps I could take him from her for a couple of hours on Fridays if I’m not too busy
Your mother sounds like somebody that if given an inch, takes a mile. I would NOT agree to any time on a Friday, because she will likely want to leave him with you all weekend. If you must look after him for a few hours, make it a day with school the following day, so there is a requirement to leave your apartment.
It may be worth looking at moving even further away from your parents, possibly closer to your work to shorten the commute?
Why is her time with her husband important, but not your time with your girlfriend? Tell her your sacrificed your life while you were young to be a third parent to your brother, and it’s time for his *real* parents to step up to the plate.
100% this. Your mom is trying to get you to parent your brother when that is her job. He’s also old enough she surely doesn’t need to watch him like she would a toddler. It is not your job to be a parent to your younger brother. You are a saint for having already done that for many years, years you should have been doing normal teenager things. You need to set this boundary and stick with it, for your own health and well being.
If you want some bonding time with your bro, make it a point once every month or two to take him on the weekend and do something. This would show your bro you cared and wanted to still spend time with him on occasion, but in a healthy and normal older brother kind of way.
I bring this up as it would not surprise me at all if your mom will tell your brother nasty things like you don’t care about “them” and don’t want to see him to try to guilt you into doing this, ideally through your brother being upset at you due to her manipulation of the narrative.
“I have a stressful new job and a three hour commute every day. I have no available free time at the moment. I cannot take your child. Please check back with me in 6 months when I have settled in.”
(And then in 6 months say your job is still too stressful and you can’t)
NTA, but if you let your mother manipulate you you will be.
Excuses, no matter how valid they are, can always be countered. And OPs mom is unhinged so she will push as hard as she can right over OPs boundaries.
OP, just say no. No excuse, no counter, just no. “Mom, I’m not going to watch my brother, please don’t ask me again.” If she keeps pushing, maybe take a break from talking to them for a while for your sanity.
Did I miss something? He’s 13 he should be self sufficient enough to get out of his mom’s hair for most of the day every once in a while. Idk NTA but the situation is pretty weird I’d say.
Yeah this, like if OP likes his brother hang out every other week or so? At 13 he needs to be learning how to do basic housework and cooking otherwise it’s going to rough for him later
NTA. If your mom needs a whole day to destress then your DAD can take care of your brother. The fact that you did so much while living at home is admirable but your parents should be raising your brother – not you. Focus on your new job and GF.
You were parentified as a teen because your mother didn’t want to be bothered.
Now, she wants to drag you right back in because she still doesn’t want to be bothered.
“No” is a complete answer.
“You are his parent, so no, I will not go back to taking on your responsibilities, again.”
Your brother is 13, not 3. Unless he has severe developmental issues, there should no reason that your mother couldn’t leave him home alone for a few hours/half a day to give herself a break.
NTA…live your life.
a *whole* *week* to destress? how much work is a 13 year old really? NTA. your mom is very good at guilting you for setting very reasonable boundaries. normally parents pay for a babysitter for things like this.
NTA and I’m just saying: that is NOT “usual oldest sibling responsibility”. That is called parentification and it’s legally recognised in many places as a form of child abuse. That is way more than you should have been doing.
Say no. They’re mad because you moved out and they actually have to parent their own child now.