I (21F) have a friend who is really good at celebrating other people’s birthdays, but she personally hates being celebrated. In the past she’s declined gifts, didn’t want decorations, and has even returned gifts to me.
This year she’s turning 21 and for the first time she wanted to actually do something big. The plan was dinner, going to a club, and staying overnight at an Airbnb. At first I was really excited and said yes.
Later she told me that one of her other friends (23M) would be at all parts of the celebration, including dinner and the Airbnb, and that I might feel uncomfortable because of some past issues between us. She was right about that.
We used to be friends, but last semester things blew up. I told him I was uncomfortable with him listening to people talk badly about a mutual friend. I wasn’t trying to attack him, just saying he should be careful. He got really upset and said some pretty harsh things to me, then later apologized and said he had been overly harsh. I thought everything was fine after that.
After that, we were all studying together one day. During that study session, he later claimed that I bullied and isolated him. The friend whose birthday this is was there and told him directly that I didn’t exclude him. Other people there also said that wasn’t true.
Even though multiple people told him that, he went to university officials and accused me of bullying. He also removed me from a student organization we were both in, even though he didn’t have the authority to do that. University officials later told me he was not allowed to remove me and that what he did was inappropriate. They didn’t believe his claims and even offered to shut the club down because of how I was treated, but I said no because I didn’t want to hurt other people in the club.
Because he apologized before and then later switched up and made serious false accusations to the university, I don’t feel safe being around him. That includes the Airbnb and even something public like a group dinner. If he was willing to lie to university officials, I don’t trust what else he might say.
I told my friend I wasn’t comfortable attending any part of the birthday plans if he was going to be there. I still tried to support her by sending money to help pay for her dinner, but she sent it back. I also offered to take her out separately another day or do a different dinner to celebrate our last semester together, but she said no.
Now I feel really guilty for missing her 21st birthday, and I feel like some of my friends think I’m being unsupportive. At the same time, I don’t feel like I should have to put myself in a situation where I’m uncomfortable and don’t feel safe.
AITA?
Nta. Sounds pretty reasonable after what he did. You offered to support and do something separate, which in my opinion shows that you care.
NTA.
I wouldn’t want to be in the same room as someone who tried to ruin my repuation too. This guy sounds petty and toxic
NTA. Reason? You don’t feel safe. Your friend isn’t acting like much of a friend for being upset about that.
Yeah! She knew the circumstances and chose to invite him anyway. I’ll bet she did it because she knew you would be uncomfortable and wouldn’t come to the party.
NTA but you don’t need to frame it around safety. He’s a two-faced backstabbing snake and you don’t like him. That’s enough reason not to go.
You two don’t like eachother. You’ve got good reason so people can’t expect you two to get along. Its unfortunate but it is what it is. Your friend should have asked you before inviting him if she would have rathered you there. Not your fault you’re missing her birthday party.
Your friend knew that this would be a problem, but chickened out, and invited him, leaving the dilemma of what to do up to you.
She chose him over your discomfort, despite knowing all the trouble he caused you with his lies.
She has also rejected your very thoughtful alternatives – did she *want* the drama of you feeling uncomfortable? She is not on your side here.
NTA.
>I don’t feel like I should have to put myself in a situation where I’m uncomfortable and don’t feel safe.
And you are absolutely, 100% right in this. Don’t feel guilty, and don’t second-guess your instincts where your safety is concerned. Anyone who expects you to do so is not a good friend whose opinion you should consider.
NTA and im really dissapointment your friend would even still consider hanging out with that tool after what he did to you!
I think you need a new friendship group
NTA. Your friend knows that this guy tried to ruin your reputation, illicitly kicked you out of your club, and tried to get you kicked out of your university altogether. What kind of friend would try to invite you to the same event?
I know that at that age, I didn’t have the boundaries to think of things this way, but as an older, more experienced person who is better at protecting myself, I would suggest having a think about how good this friendship really is. A true friend wouldn’t want to stay friends with someone who attacked you the way he did. The original misunderstanding, blow-up, and apology is something I can understand getting past, but his persecution of you that followed is not.
Friends are people who choose you and have your back.
NTA. This guy tried to ruin your reputation, then lashed out at the university for reasons he couldn’t substantiate. I wouldn’t trust him either but your friend seemed to think he’s still got something trustworthy.
The issue, OP, is that you don’t get decide if he felt bullied by you. We don’t know, and you don’t know.
I 100% agree! I even apologized for hurting his feelings and for any pain I might have caused with telling him how I felt about the original situation. The only problem I have is that he specifically told everyone that I “bullied and isolated him by not speaking to him in the study session”, which I did multiple times and was very interested in our conversation(Also backed up by everyone in the room). Everyone is entitled to their feelings, but blatant lies are a little much for me
NTA. But it sounds like the birthday person is not really your friend if they still chose to invite the person who was the actual bully, knowing all that they did to try to hurt you. Why is anyone in friend group remaining friends with this person?
NTA for refusing to spend time with someone who did their best to hurt you.
Ask yourself why your birthday-girl friend is okay with hanging out with that person. And why she invited him to her celebration. Was she hoping for drama between the two of you? Hoping to give him yet another chance at being unkind? Very odd, IMHO.