I (27F) have grown up in a family that some would call transactional. My parents aren’t as loving as I’ve noticed other parents are towards their kids, and they are always going through life checking boxes (go to college, get a good job, get married, have kids, etc.). My parents both got their masters, had high paying jobs, & are well off. They are now retired with pensions, living on a farm they bought in cash, & doing well (millionaires).
3 years ago I was separating from my soon to be ex-husband (amicably) who tragically passed in a motorcycle accident shortly after we began our divorce process. He was 27, we had no life insurance, no savings, still living together, and everything tied together still. After the funeral, I called our lawyers office to notify them of his passing and see what needed to be done moving forward. They informed me that because of the timing of his passing and not all of the divorce paperwork had been filed, that it was null & void. From a legal standpoint, I became a widow at 24. I live in Arizona where everything is community property, but this didn’t really matter anyways because everything was still jointly in our names. I had already been looking for a new, higher paying job when we began separating, but had yet to find anything. He made about 60% of the income, and the total bills exceeded what I made. I was underwater with the sudden change in having to handle everything on my own. I’m very lucky I didn’t lose my house or car, but for the past 3 years I have barely been making it. I was able to find a higher paying job, but things have still been tight. My credit is destroyed. I had to use credit cards to pay for groceries & gas. Bankruptcy was not an option because my ex and I had a rental property together that had 0 equity and wouldn’t sell. My parents helped me a bit after me begging them to let me use the remaining college fund they had saved for me that I never used to stay afloat. They initially pushed back when I asked for help because they are paying so much money for my sister’s vet schooling (which they saved for), but after talking with their financial advisor they “found” the money. For context, this was the first time in my life I ever asked them for help. Prior to this situation I had really great credit, smart financially, figured out how to get into investment properties, etc. I took a lot of pride in being independent so young & figuring it out on my own.
Fast forward to now, 3 years later, and I’m still barely making things work. I have a lawsuit for debt. My parents know how much I’m struggling and give me advice on what to do, but unfortunately I am in a unique situation that doesn’t have an “easy way out”. I am still being eaten alive by debt, but I don’t have active plans to ask them for $. I’m just hurt.
So would I be the asshole for telling my parents they are terrible parents for letting me struggle for years with this alone and not helping me when they are so financially well off?
YTA OP is an adult without children who has investment property but doesn’t want to sell that property to reduce her debt/to support herself. Instead, she wants her parents to support her/pay her debts. Her parents are retired and have declined to do this. Both OP’s and her parents’ adult choices have adult consequences. The death of OP’s separated spouse hasn’t apparently negatively impacted her, just left her with all the financial resources they had together upon his death. OP should deal with the financial consequences of her adult choices using the financial resources she has.
Yes, you would be the asshole. I can feel your entitlement seep through the screen. Are you blaming your parents for your circumstances? Sure they have a hobby farm in retirement, but it sounds like they are carrying large expenses for your sister still, how much do you really know about their finances? They worked hard and earned that money and they have every right to enjoy their retirement, no matter how badly you screw up your finances.
I don’t have a verdict for you, this is likely too complicated for Reddit to decide and the amount of details needed would be endless. That being said, the way in which you take no ownership for your own life in this post may be a bit telling. As a parent, I’d have helped my child (within reason), but you also seem to greatly overestimate your own ability (“smart financially” but zero life insurance?) and take no ownership in how your choices got you into a tough spot. So, it begs the question of what else has taken place no mentioned her to make your parents hesitate.
Just file bankruptcy. Not sure why you think that would be a bad move because you have a rental with zero equity. That actually is a plus because you have no equity to loose. File chapter 7 and start fresh.
YTA
You’re an adult. You were an adult when life happened.
I’m sorry for your loss.
But you’re 27, you were 24 when your soon-to-be ex-husband died.
At some point people have to stop depending on their parents to be the bailout.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but life is often harsh.
You prided yourself on being smart financially; yet no life insurance, investment properties that don’t seem to help any, and no savings.
You got dealt a bad hand, yes. But you were also very unprepared for what you were doing. Investment properties without insurance and savings? Recipe for disaster, as you hopefully see now.
For all this, your parents were terrible? No. They just aren’t a bank/credit card, and aren’t responsible for the bailout.
Info: how were you planning to financially make things work after divorcing your husband if he hadn’t passed away?
I guess I don’t understand how his passing, and you getting all your joint assets, effected you negatively financially?
YTA- why is your circumstance worse as a widow than as a divorcee?? Why did you not immediately sell everything and pay off any debt?
Regardless, none of this is your parents fault or responsibility.
Expecting them to bail you out is entitled.
Sell everything, file bankruptcy and no matter what, do not spend money that you don’t have. No more debt.
You were “smart financially,” but you and your husband had no life insurance and no savings? And your parents have already given you some help, but it’s now been three years and you still want them to bail you out. YWBTA, and you also would accomplish nothing except to further alienate them.
Op owns two properties. There home and the rental and isn’t selling one for some odd reason
Or downsizing in general.
Look, I get it. My parents are very well off. My husband and I have 3 kids and just make ends meet. It’s difficult to watch my parents embark on yet another kitchen remodel and jet off to their international 2-week vacations several times per year, but ask for separate checks on the very rare occasion we go out to eat with them. It’s not fun to struggle when your parents are living so comfortably. However, any time I feel myself getting too in the weeds with my feelings, I remind myself that it’s not my money. I’m an adult. I made my own choices. Life has thrown some curves my way, but in the end, my family and I are not my parents’ responsibility. It’s ok to feel the way you do, but YWBTA if you tell them they’re horrible parents for this alone.
YTA. You and your husband made adult financial decisions and you are now living the consequences of them. If your husband hadn’t have died you would have had less money because you have split your assets. This isn’t your parents problem to solve. File bankruptcy. Sell what you need to sell. Figure it out like an adult. You aren’t a child that can expect your parents to rescue you.
YTA and made some poor financial decisions. Not sure how you think you were financially smart here. Your parents paid for your school and then you got married way to young. Your husband paid the majority of the bills. You guys somehow bought a rental property and a house to live in but have no equity to sell either to get out of debt. You were going to divorce but had no plans on how to support yourself. Now you are mad your parents won’t finance your life as a 27 year old. Please point out where one financially smart decision took place here?
YTA. it honestly disgusts me that someone who owns two homes is painting themselves as the ultimate victim. You were not making smart decisions before, you just had your husband to bail you out.
You’re not entitled to have your parents replace him.
YTA, and your subject seems misleading. Unless I’m misunderstanding, they did in fact help you.
\> My parents helped me a bit after me begging them to let me use the remaining college fund they had saved for me that I never used to stay afloat. They initially pushed back when I asked for help because they are paying so much money for my sister’s vet schooling (which they saved for), but after talking with their financial advisor they “found” the money.
That sounds like help to me. They initially did not have the funds to help you – and there financial advisor helped them figure out where to pull the funds from. You mention having left over money from your college fund – but they likely just rolled that into your sister’s expenses.
\> For context, this was the first time in my life I ever asked them for hel
While it may not be asking for help, it also sounds like you got a full ride to college paid for by your parents. That’s a huge start.
Your post comes across a bit entitled, and unwilling to take any responsibility. Like your husband – having no life insurance. That wasn’t just a him thing, that was on both of you. Why did you jointly own two properties (you mention a rental + house you lived in) while having no savings? It sounds like a lot of bad life decisions being made.