Hi everyone,
Long-time lurker, first-time poster!
***As a disclaimer, there are quite a few factors that have resulted in me withdrawing from the wedding. I can’t include them all in the post, but my decision has resulted in tension within my family and I am being made to feel as if I am wrong for my choice.***
***(Also, this is a “straw that broke the camel’s back” sort of thing. I don’t mean to come off as click-baity!)***
I (F28) am the eldest of 3. I have a younger sister (27) and a younger brother (24). We also have a half-brother (5).
For background, the 3 of us have never gotten along with our soon-to-be Step Father (“Milton”). If anything, it became a mutual agreement that we would not have anything to do with one another.
After they had gotten engaged, my brother and sister made it known that they would not be attending the wedding under any circumstances. Our Mother tried to be diplomatic by saying none of us had to be part of the wedding party if we didn’t want to be, but Milton chimed in that the only one that should be part of it is their son.
So my siblings maintained their stance and couldn’t understand why I was willing to go. In all fairness, I can see it from both sides. Milton and our Mother only ever concerned themselves with each other and their son, they weren’t the best growing up, and it sounded as if they were more concerned about how people would perceive the 3 of us not attending. However, our Mother seemed genuinely hurt that we were not being supportive of this milestone for her. I guess that’s why I agreed to go.
In the past, I have had issues with my half-brother’s “exclusive” behaviour. To clarify: I don’t expect a lot given that he is 5, but the way he talks to and about us is concerning. It almost feels like someone is telling him these things and he is repeating them.
Recently, our Mother had to explain to him that I am also her daughter, but he then said “No. She is one of your ‘original’ kids. I am your only child”.
Last week he told me that I shouldn’t be going to the wedding because I’m “Not part of the family” and “Daddy doesn’t like her”. He said this in front of my Mother and she laughed about it but didn’t correct what he had said.
I did tell her (privately) that I felt she should have addressed what he said at the time, rather than laugh. She said I am overreacting to a child’s comments.
I got my invitation yesterday. Something about accepting it didn’t feel right with me. I’ve declined and will likely send a direct message to explain why if she asks.
She’ll paint it as me retaliating to “kids being kids”, but to me it’s the icing on a poisonous cake.
I’ve already told my Grandmother I won’t be attending.
My Grandmother told my Great-Aunt. They both called me earlier to say that I was the only reasonable one out of my siblings. Now that I am not going, I am being dramatic and causing unnecessary problems.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but Milton doesn’t like you and your mother knows it. She hears him when he says cruel things about you and your siblings to your half-brother, and she doesn’t step in because she doesn’t care.
NTA. In the first place, you don’t have to go to any wedding you don’t to attend. The only reason they want you to attend is so that they can misrepresent the family and lie to their friends–that is, they don’t want all of their friends to realize that your mother and stepfather are shitty people. Well, they are.
*They* have alienated three of their kids; that was the consequence of a lot of deliberate choices on their part. If they don’t want to look like shitty people in front of family and friends, maybe they should not have chosen to be shitty people? Grandma and Great-Aunt should instead be spending their energy trying to persuade your mother and step-father to be better people. Then they wouldn’t have to lie.
NTA! Your half-brother is only 5. He did not come up with those horrible ideas- he heard them and now he is repeating them. The fact that your mother is brushing it off is really disappointing, because it would be nice to believe that this mean-spirited exclusion is all coming from your “step-father”, but it seems that your mother supports it, because she’s not stopping it.
Why would you go somewhere that you’re not welcome, let alone an event that requires time and money to attend? An event that isn’t happy for you or your siblings?
Tell your mother and relatives that your “step-father” has been excluding you and teaching your half-brother that you’re not family, and that your mother, in words and actions, supports that. And then keep your distance. Maybe one day your mother will realize how she has been manipulated, but for now she’s not a safe and loving parent to you, so you should spend your energy elsewhere with people who are actually loving and supportive of you!
NTA. Your absence isn’t because of what a five-year-old said but because your mother isn’t standing up for you and your siblings – she expects your support without giving it in return.
Tell her that until she steps up as a mother in her actions, not just words, that you’ll be keeping your distance.
YTA to yourself honestly. You feel so bad that your mom feels sad about her kids missing her wedding, but not bad enough to get her partner to stop being shitty to her kids. Why are you even trying at this point?
NTA, a 5yr old doesn’t just say that he is hearing it. The fact she laughed shows even more he is hearing it from people. That’s a big slap in the face
Kid said you weren’t part of the family. Mom didn’t correct him. That’s pretty cut and dried right there.
NTA
Yeah, that 5 year old didn’t come up with that on his own. He just gave you important intel…what is being said about you behind your back.
Your mother didn’t correct him or defend her own children.
I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t go either.
No five year old would say “original kids”. He 100% is repeating what his father said. “Daddy doesn’t like her.” Yeah no. AND your Mom laughed? That is diabolical.
For the laughter alone, NTA.
Be sure to remind them that if they die Brother goes to foster care.
NTA
it’s not about what the 5 year old said. It’s about what your mother DIDN’T say.
This genuinely has nothing to do with the five year old.
You need to tell your mother you’re not attending the wedding because *she* has allowed her soon to be husband to consistently and repeatedly act as if and speak as if you are not a part of your own family – so you will not be attending the wedding that formalizes that relationship.
Well, he’s not entirely wrong. I don’t consider her and Milton to be family. Asides from sharing DNA with her, she isn’t a Mother to me.
She didn’t stand up for us as much as she should have, never addressed things in front of us to show we were being taken seriously, and Milton should have been gone long ago.
My relationship with her has been on and off for years. I’m happy to let things end.
NTAS
“Last week he told me that I shouldn’t be going to the wedding because I’m “Not part of the family” and “Daddy doesn’t like her”. He said this in front of my Mother and she laughed about it but didn’t correct what he had said.” **.. your mom made her choices clear. Don’t go to the wedding, and go no contact with her. YOu don’T need her bullshit in your life.**
NTA a 5 year old doesn’t come up with ‘original kids’ and ‘not part of the family’ on his own. That’s being fed to him. The real issue is your mom laughing instead of correcting it, which is basically cosigning it. You’re not obligated to show up and smile through disrespect just to keep appearances