My friend (22F) told me that I (23F) was heartless and cold because I didn’t validate her feelings.
I’ve never been good at sympathizing with people. I have zero patience for what I consider self-pity and victim mentalities. Maybe a part of it is that I went through a childhood full of literal torture and it made me very independent with my feelings.
My friend called me after her dog got put down and I expressed minimal condolences. She told me she didn’t want to talk about it and asked about the huge opportunity I had gotten the same day. I told her after some pressuring, but she failed to show much excitement. She was more upset that she couldn’t go to the event because it’s private.
After the call, she texted me apologized and saying she’s a burden. She said she feels like she’s failing because she wants to be the person that makes my day. I told her that’s a ridiculous standard. She started saying she’s “starting to think” she had a bad childhood because she has abandonment issues. I’ll admit, that comment hit a nerve. She had a normal upbringing besides divorced parents. She told me she’s venting because her dog’s death brought it out, which makes no sense to me but okay.
Then she asked me to be "extra nice" and requested me to send her comforting texts while she was taking a nap. I was also asked to be "gentle" towards her and "baby" her. I told her that I was sorry about her dog, but that I wasn’t going to write long affirmations or validate her feelings, especially while I was at work.
She told me that I was a heartless person and seemingly cold when I refused, which I feel like is not true. She seems to think I should lie to make her feel better.
So… AITA for not validating her feelings or comforting her fully?
YTA – expressing sympathy for a friend when they are going through a hard time is like the bare minimum
Your friends loss wasn’t any less sad just because you had a “more traumatic” childhood. The fact you completely dismissed her feelings – and she **still** showed concern that she couldn’t be there for you during your special time makes you sound even more awful. YTA.
ESH. Asking someone to send them comforting texts while they nap is an odd behavior to me, and telling someone they don’t want to talk about something and then getting upset when they honor that isn’t entirely reasonable.
However, you do sound kind of cold. Pets are like children to some people, and expressing, in your words, “minimal condolences” is questionable if you consider this person a friend. And grieving a loved one, human or otherwise, is not “self pity” and a “victim mentality”.
Also, boy howdy, does dismissing someone’s mental issues by saying “she had a normal upbringing besides divorced parents” rub me as incredibly entitled and cruel. Divorces can be life-altering and brutal on children.
YTA. having a traumatic childhood explains why you have a low tolerance for emotions, but it is not an excuse to be heartless. A pet dying is amajor life event for most people. by offering “minimal condolences” and then comparing her grief to your past torture, you are plahing a game of suffereing ilympics where everyone loses. you are effectively punishing your friend for having a normal emotional capacity just because you had to learn to supres yours.
>I’ve never been good at sympathizing with people. I have zero patience for what I consider self-pity and victim mentalities.
This is how assholes talk. YTA.
100% this.
YTA and you’re lucky this person is still your friend. Showing some sympathy isn’t difficult and doesn’t cost you anything. The fact that you can’t even do that shows that YTA and probably in a lot of situations, not just this one.
When we care about people we try to help meet their emotional needs. That’s part of the role of friends. It doesn’t sound like she is normally like this so wanting extra care and attention at this time is valid thing for her to want.
She also verbalised her needs and wants clearly you which makes me think that you might have a history of not understanding what a person is feeling or what they need to be supported.
While you never have to do something, if you want to be a good friend and help the people you care about these are the sort of things you should do. I think sending a few short texts throughout the day which have taken less than 5 minutes all up and would have made a real difference to your friend and had a minimal impact on you.
Honestly, if I was in your friends shoes and this situation happened to me I wouldnt want to be friends with you anymore. If friends aren’t there in the hard times, I don’t think they’re really friends at all.
While you may have had an awful childhood, that doesn’t mean that other people didn’t have things that impacted them either. You don’t need to minimise or ignore their experiences because yours were worse. Its not a competition.
YTA. I am actually surprised you have friends.
YTA
YTA. get therapy. I’m not sure what about putting her dog down is victim mentality. Her asking to send you sweet messages while she’s asleep is over the top, I will agree. But pets are family to apparently everybody except you and it’s incredibly hard to lose a pet especially when you have to put them down. Honestly, you don’t sound like a great friend.
Also, unless you were around for every single second of her childhood or you know, for certain she has told you every single thing that ever happened to her in childhood, you don’t know what kind of childhood she had. Things can look great on the outside, but not be great on the inside.
Of course YTA. Just because her experiences haven’t been the same as yours mean they don’t affect her just as deeply. She told you she was sad, and asked you to help cheer her up. That’s not a big ask . All she wanted was for you to nice, and to send her some texts. That’s too much of a burden for you? Really? For fuck sake, even if you don’t care, at least pretend to. The hell do you think friendship is?
Who needs enemies when you have friends like these? Is it too much to ask to express empathy for someone?
You’re so much of an asshole that I don’t even have words
Do not compare trauma, regardless of whose benefit it’s for. I’m sorry that you had a horrible childhood, but a lot of us did. I was emotionally neglected and abused by my family until just before I graduated, but when my girlfriend’s cat died, I wasn’t a heartless ice queen like you, even though I was (and still am) actively grieving the death of my own father, the only safe parental figure I ever had.
You need to take a long look in the mirror. You clearly have a lot of issues that need unpacking. Being emotionally independent shouldn’t mean you lack empathy. If you care about your friend even slightly, then apologize. She asked for a few texts, she didn’t ask for all of your attention to be on her. Typing a quick, “You’re going to be okay,” or, “Just reminding you that people love you,” isn’t difficult. If you’re that scandalized by the idea, it says far more about you than anyone else. YTA