For context, I (21M) am Russian American and have been living in the US since childhood. I speak perfect English and perfect Russian, which was my first language. My dad’s parents also moved here from our hometown in Russia, but barely speak the language. They can read and interpret some words, but cannot hold any meaningful conversation in English. My grandmother unfortunately has multiple health issues, so my father or I are frequently driving her to appointments and translating whenever the doctor isn’t Russian-speaking.
Today, I visited them as usual, to help my Grandmother with a video call. The doctor was American and obviously didn’t speak a word of Russian, so I was the median. It went fine, but there were some connection issues. The doctor herself was this older matter-of-fact woman who spoke pretty fast. So, I was making sure to say "okay, understood, thank you" as she was giving instructions, just to make it clear that we heard and understood what she was saying. She also wanted to schedule my grandmother for an in-person visit, so I had to clarify various details and be 1000% sure about the logistics. At least for me, it’s pretty common in English/the US to politely periodically say "mhm, yes, understood, good" while nodding to make it clear to the other person that you are actively listening.
Well, my grandfather (who sat out of view) thought otherwise and made sure to let me know of it after the call ended. He thought my "yeps; good; makes sense; thank you’s" along with clarifying interjecting questions, and me occasionally pausing my grandmother during her long sentences to ensure translation accuracy was socially incorrect. He comes from a Soviet/Russian military background and can’t fathom that I would interject or slightly interrupt the doctor during the conversation.
His argument was "You often talk too fast and your interruptions can cost you at work and with your friends, etc." I was getting pissed that he was lecturing me about cultural speech mannerisms he has no clue about, and decided to let him know of it politely at first. I tried to explain the doctor’s older age/temperament required clarifications/interjecting questions on behalf of my grandma. It’s a brief call and I need as much info as possible, as we can’t simply talk to her forever or call her 10 mins later if we forgot to ask something. So yes, sometimes I need to politely interject when an important question comes up.
This led to a pretty stiff back and forth where I ultimately told him "you don’t speak a lick of English and don’t understand the cultural difference, so please just respect my skills and leave this to me." Ultimately, we dropped the matter and ate lunch together peacefully.
Still, I was maybe too harsh in my response and wanted to know if I was wrong. He’s an old Soviet dedushka and can get super stubborn/holier than thou sometimes, and it drives me nuts.
Honestly, NTA. As the person responsible for translating medical advice and information that can, in many cases be life and death, you need to be accurate and have the full understanding. You did good.
Thank you, I’m always just super cautious and need the doc to make everything super clear, especially when it comes to my grandmother.
The only person with the right to criticize you is the one who can do it better than you. All other comments are just thoughts and suggestions, no need to act on every single one of them.
NTA. Maybe a tad harsh, but you’re right. He doesn’t speak the language he’s critiquing you on. That’s understandably frustrating.
NTA. I’ve done this kind of thing for my parents and we all speak the same language and it’s been difficult even then to make sure I was getting all the information I needed.
Especially when it’s online and you have connection issues, you need to show you’re actively listening.
NTA. Yeah, you maybe could’ve said it nicer, like “There are different customs in American English”, but really you needed to explain it so he’d stop correcting you and you did. I’m sure he’d let you know if you were disrespectful.
NTA
1. I am a doctor, and the professional interpreters often have to interject with me when I get going on a long spiel. I never mind, I know it was my bad to not break it up into smaller parts (that’s literally part of the training everyone gets about to effectively work with interpreters)
2. It is very nice and appreciated that you do this for your grandparents, but just an FYI, US healthcare is federally MANDATED to have 24/7 available (and free) interpreters. Every health system must have this. Most contract out through a remote company. I have never ever had an issue getting an interpreter for a common language like Russian
There’s another good reason why OP’s family would do well to consider a professional interpreter, at least occasionally: the possibly intimate nature of the medical details they are conveying back and forth.
For example, OP’s grandmother might not feel comfortable relaying menopausal issues, sexual health issues, other gynecological details, or bowel or bladder problems, via her grandson. If Grandma is too embarrassed, she might simply not mention what’s troubling her – and a doctor can’t treat a patient effectively unless they have the full picture.
Or it might be OP who is embarrassed. I grew up with English-speaking parents and grandparents so it was never a problem for me, but I’ve spoken with countless people who grew up having to translate for THEIR parents and/or grandparents in the doctor’s office – and several of them have confirmed, it can be excruciating. You learn way more about what’s going wrong with their body than a son or daughter would ever want to.
Having family members do the translating may be quick and convenient, but it’s not always ideal. Calling in a professional translator avoids that problem.
Yes to all this! Gold standard is to NOT have a family interpret. I don’t mind/allow it if the patient asks for it, but have had times when it clearly wasn’t going well that I made the family member stop and get in a professional
Quite apart from the embarrassment issue, there’s the risk of miscommunication.
One of the most horrifying-but-funny examples I ever heard of was in a book called [How to do a Liver Transplant](https://www.amazon.com.au/How-liver-transplant-Stories-surgical/dp/1742233422) written by a transplant surgeon.
She writes of a family of recent immigrants, who collectively had limited English. One of them had a failing liver. The surgeon explained to them that a living donation was possible – that is, taking a portion of liver from a healthy living family member and transplanting it into the sick person. The recipient’s portion would regenerate to the size of a normal liver, as would the remaining portion in the donor’s body.
Or at least, that’s what she THOUGHT she was explaining to them. She had no idea that they either hadn’t understood, or some information had been lost as the details filtered through the family.
They went away to discuss it among themselves. When they returned, the family patriarch announced “Our cousin will be the donor!”, and pushed forward a very nervous young man. Of course he’d be a bit nervous – anyone would be! – so the surgeon didn’t think anything of it at first. She began the necessary tests and paperwork to get the ball rolling, but observed that this young man seemed far more distressed than your average living donor. She reminded him that he could withdraw his consent at any time, but he responded stoically “No, I am ready to die. I am ready to make this sacrifice for my dear cousin.”
And that’s when she realized. Somewhere along the line, the “living” part of “living donation” had been lost in translation. This poor young man thought he was about to be killed so that his cousin could live.
The surgeon writes “*You can imagine his shock when he was told that not only could he be a good cousin and donate his liver, but he could stay alive too! I’ve never seen someone so relieved. Eventually we all began to smile cautiously, followed by laughter when we realized what had happened*.”
If that isn’t a salutary lesson on the dangers of relying on family members to translate essential medical information, I don’t know what is.
You did well. Unfortunately you can’t change him. He meant well but it was not relevant advice. The dedudskas and babuskas tend to micromanage.
My dad came to my graduation in Alaska and missed a plane in Seattle. He was refusing the hotel saying he will sleep in the airport. I had to tell him he may get arrested as a homeless person. So he let them drive him to a hotel. Sometimes you can make something up lol.
NTA.
The thing about America is that it’s not just one culture. Even the English speaking population has norms picked up from multiple countries and customs. When you mix so many cultures together, miscommunications are common and inevitable. Younger generations have to adapt to a wide array of mores.
The affirmations in between sentences are a way of letting the person know that their words and suggestions are understood and acknowledged.
The younger generations also have technology as a norm. Video freezes and lags often. Having someone silent and still the whole time you’re speaking makes it harder to notice when the connection is spotty. Frequent affirmations show that the information has been passed successfully.
Russia and eastern Europe have some mannerisms that make sense in their communities but are often seen as rude to others. This isn’t to say that one is better than the other, just that what’s polite and respectful in one area can be interpreted as disrespectful in another. Old fashioned Russian manners can be abrupt and abrasive to those unfamiliar with the customs. It’s lovely that your grandfather wants to make sure that you’re polite to the doctor. It’s lovelier still that you’re able to adapt your manners to be respectful for both.
NTA he’s an old dedushka mentally stuck in the USSR. Guarantee the doctor prefers you ask questions and understand, vs just nod and say yes but actually have everything go over your head… which a lot of elderly people do when at the doctors, and end up not following instructions properly because they didn’t understand 🤷♀️
Linguistics major here.
You are correct, and your grandfather is not.
Knowing how to speak politely involves far more than just knowing the words for “hello” and “please” and “thank you” and “excuse me” and “sorry” in a particular language.
You need to know WHEN to use these words. (There are cultures where you never say “please” and “thank you” to family members and close friends because it’s considered to be too formal and distant, and therefore insulting.) You need to know whether you can speak when you like, or whether you must wait your turn. (There are cultures where people speak in order of seniority, eldest first, and what they say doesn’t necessarily flow directly on from what the last person said.) You need to know whether (and when) it’s OK to interrupt. You need to know whether it’s OK to ask personal questions, and exactly what’s considered a personal question. You need to know whether it’s OK to come straight out with a request, or whether you must circle around the topic for a while, getting closer and closer to the point, and backing off as soon as you think your request might be met with a refusal.
There have been entire books written on cross-cultural communication, and how to avoid these minefields.
You are correct that in western culture, it’s considered polite to demonstrate active listening by saying “yes” or “uh-huh” or “I see” or nodding, and that a silent fixed stare can be considered rude or hostile.
*This led to a pretty stiff back and forth where I ultimately told him “you don’t speak a lick of English and don’t understand the cultural difference, so please just respect my skills and leave this to me.”*
Fortunately for you, Russian is famously blunt, along with most or all of the other Eastern European languages. From what I have read, Russians say what they think, and don’t sugar-coat it. So I suspect that your grandfather isn’t at all insulted by what you said. Although I could be wrong, because I don’t speak Russian and my knowledge of its politeness conventions is very much second hand.
Even if he is insulted, you are NTA. A person is not in a position to judge what they think is someone else’s lack of politeness in a different language unless they know what the politeness conventions of that language are. Your grandfather does not.