I (late 20s F) have been seeing my boyfriend (early 30s M) for a couple of months now. Overall, he’s genuinely great. He’s kind, caring, emotionally available, and very thoughtful. I really do think he’s a good person with a lot going for him.
The issue is that he’s constantly self-deprecating. He makes comments about not being good enough, not being that smart, not being attractive, or downplaying his accomplishments. It’s rarely in a joking way. It feels like he genuinely believes it.
Whenever he does this, I reassure him and tell him how I see him. I hype him up, remind him of his strengths, and try to be supportive. But it keeps happening. It’s starting to feel like a pattern.
At first I felt empathetic, but now I’m finding it kind of draining. And if I’m being fully honest, it’s becoming a bit of a turn off. I want to be with someone who has a baseline level of confidence and self-worth. I don’t expect arrogance, but I do want a partner who believes in themselves.
I’m not sure how to address it without sounding harsh or insensitive. I don’t want to shame him for struggling with self-esteem, but I also don’t want to keep feeling like I have to constantly build him up or pretend it doesn’t affect me.
So WIBTA if I told him that the constant self-deprecation is bothering me and that I’d like him to work on it?
NTA
Nothing wrong in telling him, if that’s the way you really feel. If you say nothing and he continues, you’ll get irritated and break off the relationship sooner or later.
From my experience when people do this they either;
Have low self-esteem genuinely
or
Use it as a way to get compliments.
The former needs some care and encouragement, the latter is just an annoying trait.
But either way, you can totally raise this with him and NOT be an asshole.
NTA. It’s reasonable to set boundaries around how his self deprecation affects you. You can frame it gently, like let him know you care, but that constant negativity 100% draining and affects your connection, and encourage him to work on building his confidence.
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Hmm I don’t think this is the way. This could lead to him thinking she doesn’t want a boyfriend that’s confident, and end up making even more self-deprecating comments. If anything, hyping up confident people might go down better, as long as it’s done in a gentle way.
NTA. I dated a guy like this and ultimately broke up with him because of it. It was draining. It’s one of those things that the person themselves needs to deal with. You can keep telling him how good he is and how attractive he is, and it will never be enough. You can say it over and over and over again, and it won’t change how they feel. We all have insecurities, but with people like that, there’s nothing you can do or say that will change anything. He needs to deal with why he’s constantly self-deprecating, and therapy would be where i would start
NTA at all. But don’t tell him it “turns you off”, tell him you’re there for him but that he needs to work on it. And it will take time.
NAH I’d say as a terminally anxious guy absolutely you can discuss it with him… it’s not necessarily the case that he actually needs hype at all (and if it is, weeeell, that isn’t so good), rather he probably needs to be able to talk through root causes of how he feels.
To be clear you can also talk about him getting therapy for this. It’s an unfair emotional burden to have to bear the full responsibility. But one step at a time.
It is completely reasonable to get tired of this. Let him know that you love him, and thinks he’s amazing, so it is hurtful to hear him not valuing himself. Let him know that he needs to make a genuine effort to speak positively about himself and get counselling to address his need to self-deprecate or it will continue to damage your relationship. NTA
NTA – I stalk mine like a horny paparazzo *snap snap* he used be a lot more timid but even he can’t argue with the candids 😂
NTA if you say it differently. I feel like being told it’s a turn off is just more defeating, rather then “hey I’m concerned this is a pattern, can you consider doing counselling as I feel I’m not a professional to give you the proper help you need”
NTA
You might be able to nip this in the bud with a semi-joke. “Dude? Stop criticizing my taste!” and similar.