My friends and I were having lunch yesterday when one of them got a call from his grandma. He put her on speaker. She asked him what he’s up to and he said ‘I’m having lunch with Sam and Andy.’ And his grandma said ‘Ah, the yellow boy?’
He got very embarrassed and said loudly ‘You can’t call Asian people that anymore!’ Normally I’d get upset at being called yellow but since this is an 86 year old dementia patient I didn’t want to upset her. She only occasionally says this and is very kind most of the time.
So I told him it’s okay. I’m not angry. But he said we should still call her out on it and that next time she might say it to someone who’ll get really pissed at her.
It’s hard to change an 86 y dementia person how to behave. They won’t remember being corrected. Let it slide.
NTA. I’m so glad you have common sense and general knowledge on dementia. She cannot help it…I cared for my mother for 5 years until she passed from dementia and that was the wildest ride of my life… Lots of racism to cussing (never swore in her life) some of the most horrendous accusations you can think of you …she made against others.. police involved and all . It’s just going to get worse, confronting her would have just agitated her. You did the right thing ..it’s like wasting your breath you know confronting the dementia person cuz no matter what you say it’s like half and half like they start talking and then their brain just slips into delusions.
NTA she has dementia enough said
NTA. There is no reason to educate or enlighten an 86 year old person with dementia. Also, nobody should be upset with what such a person says too much given the circumstances.
NTA saying you can’t call people that anymore was plenty
NTA quite the opposite
NTA
You call out people who need to learn or at the very least are able to learn to do better. Calling someone a racist name is far from the worst thing I have seen/heard a dementia patient do/say. Even if she said what she did with hate-filled or evil undertones, she can’t be “taught” anymore. She can’t make legal choices for herself anymore. Thank you for knowing this and not taking it to heart.
No way, NTA- You were being respectful! I have one of these too! At their age and brain capacity, it’s not even worth calling them out. They don’t get it, they’re like toddlers to some degree. But dear god- the things I’d never expect to come out of her mouth sure are coming out now and to whoever is in/near the room. I definitely worry that she’ll say something disrespectful to her nurses, request that they tell me if she’s misbehaving, and apologize profusely when I think she’s being a brat, but they tell me they’re used to it, understand her status, and not to worry. I don’t like it, but there’s really no changing it now lol.
People with dementia can’t learn. They forget what they shouldn’t say. With my grandmother, she was the opposite. She was in a care facility and was talking about one of the staff. She couldn’t remember the woman’s name. I, trying to be helpful, NOT racist, asked if the person was white or black (the only options). Grandma didn’t understand what I meant, she had forgotten that there are different races, people were people. You were right in not calling her out. You would have only upset an old and infirm grandmother. You took the high road.
They corrected her once, that was enough. You didn’t want it taken further so they are TA for pushing it. ‘White knighting’ is almost as bad as the initial -ism. People should stop being offended on other people’s behalf when they are there and able to express their own feelings. So, no you are NTA but your friend very much is.
NTA. My dad, who is one of the kindest, most respectful people I know, called his care workers his “servants”. I was horrified- they smiled and whispered “he can’t help it and he means no harm. Let it go”.
NTA, you dealt with that really well actually, not getting flared up when you would be excuse for doing so.
NTA. A person with dementia can’t be blamed for using a term they grew up with, they can’t help it or learn to use a new term.