My parents live on another continent so I don’t get to see them very often. Usually once for Christmas and maybe another one or two times depending on schedules. My parents are visiting my for the weekend because it’s my birthday. They’ll be staying at my apartment for three days.
My mum has always had problems with alcohol, we’ve never outright called her an alcoholic, but that’s basically it. The last time she stayed with me she hid a bottle of vodka and drank 3/4s of it within a few days. When I confronted her about the fact that she was clearly drunk and drinking she apologised and said she wouldn’t do it again, but in the classic cycle denied everything once sober. I took a video though and showed it to her and she said she would get her drinking under control. I told her she needs to stop fully but I can’t do anything about that.
My dad tells me she’s been drinking only on weekends and not that much, but to be honest I don’t know how much I trust his assessment.
I reiterated my general rule of not wanting alcohol at my apartment to my mum the other day. I tell her this every time she visits and pretty much every time we fight about it. This time my dad texted me before their flight saying ‘if you don’t want alcohol at yours shall we stay somewhere else’ this from the man that barely agreed to visit me because of the costs of the flight (my parents are visiting my brother as well so the flights they’re referring to here are an hour long and generally not that expensive).
I told him I’d like them to stay with me, I got some of their favourite non-alcoholic soft drinks. He asked why and I told him I found having alcohol around stressful. He then pushed and asked why and at this point I’m stumped. I think he’s just trying to set up to argue but I truly do not understand what they even want from me at this point. They’re both aware of why, they’re both aware my mums drinking is a problem.
At this point I feel like they’re gonna book into a hotel and spend my entire birthday either drinking regardless of what I’ve said or complaining because I won’t let them.
At this point I feel like I’m losing the plot on what a reasonable boundary is because shit like this keeps happening. AITA?
Just say it’s because you don’t like it. Most parents are familiar with “my house, my rules”. But then you have to mean it, even if it means they get mad at you. Boundaries only work if you enforce them.
“He asked why and I told him I found having alcohol around stressful. He then pushed and asked why and at this point I’m stumped.”
Because mom’s historic alcohol abuse has made me uncomfortable, and being near her when she’s drinking is a problem I want to about.”
If the answer makes your parents uncomfortable… Tough.
If they’re being this purposefully obtuse and trying to counter your boundary, they are choosing alcohol over your reasonable comfort levels. At this stage it might just be better to celebrate your birthday with other people.
NTA.
Nta
If your mum is drinking 1/4 a bottle of vodka a night, it might not be medically safe for her to just stop. Alcohol withdrawal can be very dangerous.
But you shouldn’t have to deal with her drinking. Probably best they don’t stay at your house.
NTA
If a person cannot get through a celebration without alcohol, they have an obvious alcohol problem. It’s reasonable to wish for people to not drink at your place, it’s a normal boundary. And if your mother didn’t have a severe case of addiction, it wouldn’t bother her to spend a couple of days not drinking. And father is enabling this addiction of hers.
Clearly NTA
Addiction is such a horrible thing and the fact that your dad seems to enable it makes it even worse. I can’t really offer you any good advice here, except for maybe talk to other people who know about the situation. e.g. your brother.
It’s really simple, your house your rules. You don’t have to allow anything you don’t want into your home. If they don’t like it let them stay somewhere else. Problem solved! NTA
NTA, but you need to start being honest with your dad. “Honestly, I think mom has a drinking problem and it makes me extremely uncomfortable and worried for her. I love her, but I would prefer being around her when she is sober. If she can’t handle not drinking for a few days then she obviously has a problem.”
That being said, you can’t stop them from getting a hotel and drinking there. Your mom is an adult and can make her own choices. But maybe voicing your opinion from a place of love and concern might help to open some eyes.
NTA. Just tell them outright you didn’t want it, you don’t owe them an explanation.
NTA
You want an alcohol free home and have had issues with your mother’s drinking in the past.
Father offered to stay elsewhere to me suggests that he knows mother isnt going to be willing
” This time my dad texted me before their flight saying ‘if you don’t want alcohol at yours shall we stay somewhere else” … a good solution.
spend your birthday with better people than your parents, maybe with some friends.
You’re not unreasonable for not wanting alcohol in your home. That’s a fair boundary.
I do wonder if your dad’s reaction is less about arguing and more about trying to protect your mum or avoid another conflict. If he knows this has caused tension before, suggesting a hotel might be his way of keeping the peace.
That doesn’t make your boundary wrong. It just sounds like everyone’s navigating a sensitive dynamic. You’re allowed to want your space to feel comfortable.
Your mom is sick and your dad is in denial. Since they refuse to face the issue, they have to find another cause for the friction around this visit. That “cause” is you.
Obviously not really, that’s just them displacing things. But the key from your end is whether or not you hold fast to your no alcohol boundary. If you don’t, this will continue like this for years and your mom will keep drinking and your dad will keep being obnoxious.
If you don’t, well, your mom might still keep drinking and your dad might still be obnoxious, but at least you won’t have them making you anxious and upset in your own home. And who knows, maybe it’ll start the process of waking them up.
My mom and I had a strained relationship for years. Every conversation included her commenting on my diet or activity level, etc. Repeated requests for her to stop were ignored. One day I’d had enough and told her that while I couldn’t control what she did or didn’t do, I could control whether I subjected myself to it.
Therefore, from now on, if she ever talks about my health I will end the conversation. I will get up from a restaurant table, I will hang up on her, I will end my visit to her house. Period. She can decide if harping on my habits is more or less important than having a relationship with me.
Our relationship improved dramatically after that. I have had to enforce it a couple of times, and did in fact hang up on her at one point, but overall it’s worked.
Lastly, it sounds like your parents are awful about favoritism when it comes to their kids. One explanation is that they literally like you less and are super obvious and terrible. Another, slightly more charitable explanation is that your brother doesn’t give them any grief about drinking so they prefer visiting him. I think you need to talk to your brother and get him onboard with setting the same boundary so your parents can’t just roll their eyes and claim it’s a you problem.
NTA