I’m Donald (40m, married w/ a 3yo kid) & my mother Lurlene (73) was kicked out by her roommates for alcohol abuse about 6 mos ago. Her roommates called me in early Sept hoping that I would help my mom get packed & moved out by the end of the month. A month earlier, they gave my mom a 2-page letter outlining all of her transgressions while drunk (I.e. fall down the stairs, a DUI, peeing in their closet, trying to get into their bed, ER visit, etc.) & an ultimatum that if her behavior didn’t change in the next month then she would need to move out. I was aware of maybe 1 thing on the list that had occurred while she lived there for \~5 years.
I was aware of my mom’s alcohol abuse for years but not the gravity of it bc we live 2 hours apart. She was ok in person but during phone calls she’d ramble/repeat things over & over then I’d ask “are you drunk?” Or “you been drinking?” & she would always get upset & say no. (I began to suspect dementia or early Alz’s but could never rule out alcohol) This strained our relationship to the point of not talking bc she fiercely protected her relationship with alcohol (& wouldn’t go to the doctor or a therapist), so much so that she didnt come to my wedding bc she wouldnt commit to not drinking.
So it’s mid-Sept & my mom calls me crying that she’s getting kicked out. She didnt know her roommates already contacted me nor does she mention the letter/ultimatum (total lack of accountability for her actions). I agree to drive up & help her pack. She was so thin & acted helpless. She couldn’t muster the will to start packing up her room knowing she was to be out ASAP. Her room was a hoard. I bought all of the boxes, tape, etc. She said “keep”/“toss” & I did everything. Final step was getting her boxes to storage.
She had 3 different storage units packed to the brim, easily costing her \~$600/mo. Just more junk, knickknacks, Xmas decorations, & furniture. She kept holding onto this stuff for when she got her own place again.
Fast forward & my mom is living in a skilled nursing/memory care facility. Shes been sober for almost 4 months but her memory is severely impaired. She forgets the date, my name, my wifes name, her grandchilds name, her own bday. She had to be reminded to eat & take her medication. Her only income is soc security because she didnt file for her retirement, which is an ongoing stressor for me as I try to get access to it for her so she can pay for her living/med expenses. She didnt file for Medicare when she was supposed to & now doesnt have health insurance.
She randomly asked me if I made the monthly rent payments on her storage units & I said “yes”, knowing full well that I had just gotten a letter saying that the units were to be put up for auction bc of delinquent payments (\~$2000 owed in rent & fines).
AITA for not telling her the truth?
Knowing she’ll never live on her own again & cost/mgmt of the units isnt worth the contents within
Why did you tel us your name
lol right! I was like wtf
NTA. She’s never living on her own again, and telling her you aren’t paying is going to add stress to her that she does not need, and it’s going to cost you more than it’s worth and she missed your wedding because alcohol was more important to her. You were not priority enp7gh for even a day. She is not owed someone else taking care of this for her, and given the circumstances, it feels absurd she asked at all… though this seems to feed back into an ongoing lack of accountability. You’ve done your part.
Alzheimer patients will sometimes randomly remember the weirdest things. I’m not surprised that she asked – not because she doesn’t feel accountable, but because she just remembered that these units actually existed.
NTA
You have been put in a difficult position of having to sort out her retirement and health insurance for her and you based the decision about her storage units on her best interests.
Lying is wrong, but there are limited exceptions and this is one of those exceptions. Memory impairment can be tricky because they may completely forget or they may get stuck and obsess about that topic. She gets peace of mind by believing those things are still in her storage unit, and letting her continue believing that is in her best interest.
NTA for letting the units go. That money needs to go toward her care not knickknacks. The lie is understandable but risky. If she’s in memory care and this impaired, you should be working toward formal financial authority so you’re not stuck in this moral gray zone. This isn’t about being cruel. It’s about reality.
Yeah, well, you lied.. that makes you an asshole.
If it were my mother, I’d let her live with me, but I don’t know your relationship with her. At the very least, I would have gone through her stuff and selected the obvious sentimental items. I’d feel like a complete asshole if I let all my mom’s stuff get auctioned off.
With memory issues, which could be dementia or Alzheimer’s, it’s only going to get worse and trying to be a caregiver with zero experience and a full-time job and family having her live with you is a terrible idea. I watched family members go through this. The one closest had a hard time seeing the changes because it was so slight from day to day. Then the Alzheimer’s one developed extreme anger outbursts, which is common. Placing her in an ALF was the best and safest place for her.
NTA, ignore the negative comments. If they are so concerned about your mother’s storage units, they can pay the monthly bills on them.
NTA but are you sure theres nothing valuble/sentimental in there? If there is go get it otherwise just let them go
How is she affording a skilled nursing facility with no insurance?
YTA