I (18F) made plans to hang out with my friend V (17). About an hour before we were supposed to meet, I told them I might be a little late and that I’d text when they should head to our hangout spot so they wouldn’t have to wait.Half an hour later, I started feeling extremely unwell, I was dizzy, had a bad headache, shaky hands, could barely stand. I already felt off that morning, but it got worse as time went on. I’m anemic, have fainting issues, and this month has been rough due to depressive episodes and school problems. I was so shaky I couldn’t even do my makeup properly.I texted V saying I felt really unwell and might be more late than expected, and that I’d text when I was in the car. They live 5/10 minutes from the hangout spot (their permanent home is 45 minutes away, but they rent a place here for school/vacations). They said we could hang out another day if I felt bad. I said I’d feel guilty cancelling half an hour before meeting when they made an effort to be here and that I’d probably feel better after eating.They said that they were gonna come either way but didn’t want to hang out if I was going to be in a bad mood. I told them I wasn’t in a bad mood, just not feeling well, and only letting them know I was gonna be later than expected. They said “you do you.” and by that point I realised they were upset, so I asked them what was wrong.They said hanging out with me makes them feel desperate, that they’ll stop asking me to hang out, that it’s embarrassing they’re always the one planning things, and that 80% of the time I make excuses not to go, bur that’s not true. Our schedules clash (I have class 8am–2pm, they have 2pm–8pm), so weekends are the only option, but they’re usually out of town on weekends/vacations. This was a rare day they were here.I apologized if I made them feel that way and explained I’ve been struggling mentally and physically, and didn’t mean to give that impression. They said they knew I was struggling and we could just not go out if I didn’t want to because it wouldn’t be a good vibe.I repeated that I did want to go. They said “ok, you do you.”, so I asked if THEY wanted to go. They said they were indifferent. That hurt because I was pushing myself to go despite feeling awful. I told them it wasn’t nice to say that, and that if they were indifferent about hanging out with me, knowing I was making an effort because I care about them and didn’t want to make them feel bad, then I’d rather just stay home. They responded by asking why they would want to hang out with me if I wasn’t feeling good and said we’d obviously have a shitty time. I told them that’s not true and if I truly couldn’t function, I would’ve cancelled. They said they were excited and I knew that. I said I was excited too and only mentioned being sick to explain being late. They said they won’t make compromises to hang out when I “obviously” don’t want to. I said if I didn’t want to, I would’ve said so. They said ok and left me on read after. AITA?
NTA. I feel like your friend doesn’t want to listen to what you say, no matter how you explain. Interestingly, they said they didn’t want to “feel desperate” to hang out with you, but they are okay with making you desperate instead. I don’t know your history, but in my opinion this might just not be worth it. Not only your schedules are bad, they don’t seem to care about your perspective, and then they seem to treat this relationship as a chore (in my opinion). I’m sorry.
Thank you for your opinion, I appreciate it. Also I really like your pfp 🫶
Yes. Their concerns seem valid.
You were invited for a specific time and place. They made the plans. You could not make it. That is fine. You want them to change the time to better suit your “mental and physical” health.
If you can make it without inconveniencing the others do it. If you can’t, you can’t.
But they didn’t say that me moving the time inconvinienced them. They said that I don’t wanna hang out with them which is why they got so mad. But I will apologise and try to make things right, and communicate better.
Regardless, making someone wait around in the hopes they MIGHT show up is an inconvenience whether they say it or not. If you just say you can’t make it because you don’t feel well then she can make plans for the rest of her day and hang out with someone else or enjoy her time alone, whatever. You didn’t even say a time frame just that you’d probably feel better after you ate something and would text her when you got in your car. So is that 30 mins? Is it 90 mins? Can you guarantee that you’ll even feel better afterwards?
I was gonna show up. It wasn’t a might. And I meant eating something with them, not home alone. I obviously wouldn’t make them sit around waiting for me to eat.
Next time you’re feeling unwell but want to hang out with your friends anyway, skip mentioning that you’re not feeling well. Just go and have fun.
I mentioned I was feeling unwell so they know the reason I would be late, because it would suck if they thought I was late because I don’t care about them.
> They said hanging out with me makes them feel desperate, that they’ll stop asking me to hang out, that it’s embarrassing they’re always the one planning things, and that 80% of the time I make excuses not to go, bur that’s not true.
Maybe they were exaggerating about the frequency, but this also lets you know how they are feeling and how you can fix it. Put in more effort to schedule things and show up when you say you are going to.
Yea I understand but this was a one time thing. We always plan stuff together, it’s not just them planning. Thank you for your comment though, I appreciate it.
You might be right that this was a one time thing, but it wouldn’t be a bad thing to reflect on the past and see if that’s actually true or not, and maybe talk to your friends about it.
I have a friend that is chronically late to everything but insists that it barely happens. I’m currently sitting in her living room waiting for her to finish getting ready and we were supposed to leave an hour ago. Sometimes it’s hard to really realize how frequently we do things while it’s easier to spot with others.
Yeah I understand. I think you are right. Thank you for your reply.
NTA mental and physical health is important and should always be prioritized. even if you do this often, it’s still out of your control and by now your friend should anticipate that. is it fair? no. not to either of you. but as a friend you work around it. you still tried and made an effort, I’ve had friends who just cancel all the time because they have a headache. it sucks, but when they still try and hang out I don’t get upset with them because I recognize that they’re trying their best. and when they have to cancel I get disappointed and (maybe) frustrated but I don’t hold it against them. its one of those things where I get frustrated at the situation, not the person. but idk that’s just me and (respectfully) you’re both so young, its kind of expected to be lacking some empathy at your age. some people grow out of it, some don’t. but NTA, you’re trying your best!